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Dec 2020 · 59
Palms
Brianna Sich Dec 2020
I cannot hold in my palms

How many times

You've placed self doubt there
Sep 2020 · 57
anxiety
Brianna Sich Sep 2020
Sometimes I have to remind myself that my mom being mad at me for going to lunch with my sister and aunt is unreasonable. And yet my heart goes from 0 to 100 when I get a passive aggressive text.

What is a normal occurrence in other families can be a war in mine.

I didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to be anxious. Because I didn't do anything wrong. It's her problem, her feelings to work through.

Note to self. Thank my therapist next week.
What is a normal family
Aug 2020 · 209
Untitled
Brianna Sich Aug 2020
I never want to forget the way the curve in your back feels under my fingertips.

The way the skin on your shoulders feel beneath my lips.
Jul 2020 · 56
Motherhood
Brianna Sich Jul 2020
There is light in these small moments that I can steal away surrounded by the glow of my screen.

Nothing is ever mine alone. Nothing is ever myself anymore. Who am I even?

Grabby hands reach for me
and through me all day.

Every day.

I am a ghost.
Translucent.
I ache to simply be.
I am culpable for wishing I could exist as even a mere silhouette of the woman who threw her head back,
carefree.
Jan 2020 · 169
at night
Brianna Sich Jan 2020
she lives in the dark


in the dark she glows
Apr 2019 · 293
When she's angry
Brianna Sich Apr 2019
When she's angry
folding a towel becomes
an undertaking that causes everyone in the room
To flinch each time a fold is made

her movements are pointed
sharp
like a needle
used to embroider the word
failure on your forehead
like a scarlet letter

When she's angry
you'll never see it coming
until
the pigmentation in her neck
slowly creeps
from ivory
to a shining crimson
piece of armor
preparing her for battle
preparing her to unleash
her barbed tongue

When she's angry
you tip-toe around
what you truly want to say
dancing on glass
shard in foot
you smile as if
you don't notice

When she's angry
I love you
comes out as
a bee sting
you may experience
swelling at the site
instant, sharp pain
and a welt where your heart
should be
When she's angry
Mar 2019 · 664
saturday mornings
Brianna Sich Mar 2019
I awoke
folded up like a purposeful piece of origami
placed delicately between two bodies.

Happiness
Dec 2018 · 203
Decorations
Brianna Sich Dec 2018
Sometimes
it's hard
to stop and notice
the things around you.

My son tilts his head
up to the sky
and announces,
"mom
the clouds
are decorations!"

The clouds
indeed
decorated the sweet
morning sunrise.

Peppered in
nonsense patterns.
For you and I
to marvel at.

Decorations.
What wonder
to see life
through your eyes.
Dec 2018 · 224
love
Brianna Sich Dec 2018
Close but distant
Feeling dismissed.

Hot mess
Cant catch

My breath.

Dont blink
Heart sinks

Love stinks.
Dec 2018 · 111
Unravel
Brianna Sich Dec 2018
A put together girl
puts on a put together grin.

Adds a dash of makeup
then her day begins.

She goes through all the motions.

Breathe in.
and then
breathe out.

No one questions her ability
or shows her any doubts.

No one that is
except herself.

She gently
tugs
on all her loose threads.

Unraveling slowly
thoughts consuming her head.

Each new day passes
and she continues to wear down.
That put together grin
slowly fades into a frown.

No one notices
as she endlessly frays.
So she silently suffers more every day.

She has a hard time admitting
needing someone
anyone

is okay.
Nov 2018 · 205
Good morning.
Brianna Sich Nov 2018
A good morning
Is feeling your
Small sticky hand
Wrap around two of my fingers
Telling me you missed me while you slept.
Sep 2018 · 531
Morning Mantra
Brianna Sich Sep 2018
My new morning mantra;

I am a warrior goddess

and I woke up today

to slay.
Positive self talk
Jun 2018 · 5.8k
Husband
Brianna Sich Jun 2018
My mother used to tell me I'd never find a husband.

Because I had ugly hands.

My hands are still ugly.

I smile every time I look at our
Interlocked hands.

Because his are ugly too.
May 2018 · 293
summertime
Brianna Sich May 2018
your love is like sun kissed skin in june
like the smell of sunscreen and the pool
like the glow of the green, green grass.

your love is like gentle kisses brushing my freckles
like learning the ukulele, joyful and bright
like perfect toothy smiles.
like long sunny bike rides.

loving you is like embracing summer.
May 2018 · 180
Ex's
Brianna Sich May 2018
Just know that when he's with you
he's thinking about me.

Even if it's about how much he hates me.

His mind is still elsewhere.
May 2018 · 220
For you (her)
Brianna Sich May 2018
He'll never be able to love you the way he still loves me.
May 2018 · 153
Hands
Brianna Sich May 2018
I've always found hands
                              to be an attractive feature.
                                                        ­            Long and slender.
                                                        ­                                  Gentle and tender.
Rough and overworked.
                                        Exploratory; searching.
                                                      ­                      A place of comfort.
Or
           Grasping.
                            strangling
                                              the life out of  
                                                                      my heart.
May 2018 · 782
...
Brianna Sich May 2018
...
Strength is a fragile, fragile thing.

One minute.
I'm a warrior.
Sword drawn,
***** face in tow.

The next
I am putty
in your palms.
Transformed to tears.
May 2018 · 149
Untitled
Brianna Sich May 2018
I stopped writing pretty words for you.
Now I cry instead.
Mar 2018 · 620
Stuck
Brianna Sich Mar 2018
What do you do when nothing inspires you.
I don't know what to write about lately.
Brianna Sich Mar 2018
See,
I was always told that
actions speak louder than words.
So I ignored how ingenuine your words felt,
ignored the weight your words never carried.
Like a forced apology.
A hallow hello,
or a fake smile at a stranger.
Instead I watched your actions
which said something I
didn't recognize
as spurious.

Actions speak louder than words
and now I know the difference.

When you said you loved me,
you meant
only the idea of me.
I was never anything more
than a silver trophy
put away on a shelf.
A pat on the the back for effort.
A pretty face to add to your collection.

When he says he loves me,
his eyes crow at the corners.
They look at me like I'm
something to treasure.
He smiles so wide,
cheshire cat huge.
Heart beats,
face flushed.
He always tells me
that I am enough.

Thanks to you,
I can tell he means it.
Feb 2018 · 473
Brianna Sich Feb 2018
Loud woman
Proud woman
Can't keep me down
woman.
Wear a frown
or a scowl woman.
Wont wear a guise
Or apologize
woman.
Dance in the street
Most clumsy
on my feet
woman.
Take up space
Make my own place.
Woman.
Feb 2018 · 162
Ghost
Brianna Sich Feb 2018
I fought for you
every day
for a long time.
you never chose me
back.

I  was merely
the background
noise
in your life
for far too long.

Today
I packed my things
and left you.

Now

My ghost will
wander the halls
of our apartment.

You will watch me
throw my head back
and laugh on the couch.

You will miss my bad jokes,
my huge heart, my tears, my fears,

me.

Choke on things you wish
you'd said.
Replay things differently
in your head.

and me.
I will finally be free.
Jan 2018 · 1.7k
Plastic Boy
Brianna Sich Jan 2018
We all know him.
We've all met him
at least once.
He's shiny like that trophy husband you've always wanted.
Articulate.
Charming.
Highly intelligent.
But just insecure enough that he doesn't seem unbelievable.
Like he's just within your reach.
That boy is gonna swoop in
make you feel like no guy ever could
your heart will swell
you will fall in love with his
hipster
pretentious persona
until
you find out
that your boy
plastic boy
has
one girl who lives in colorado
one who lives in new york
you catch my drift?
your smooth talker
your jazz player.
your dazzling
plastic
boy.
Jan 2018 · 3.6k
Trich Tic
Brianna Sich Jan 2018
You say,
"Oh, I have OCD too."
The words roll off your tongue with ease.
Meanwhile I try to explain that it's not OCD
that I have.

It's a compulsive disorder on the OCD spectrum
That I have been
carefully
professionally
diagnosed with.
Over a period of time
The words often trapped in my throat.

You say,
"Oh I just know I'm OCD because
sometimes I like things neat and orderly,
and I prefer things in even numbers."

In my head I want to shake you to your core.

When the Trich Tic
is bad.
When the Trich Tic
is unmedicated.

I want to strand by strand
rip each individual hair
from the depths of the root
and roll it between my fingers
satisfied.
Pull
Pull
Pull
until there is nothing left but
a shadow of where
an eyebrow should be.

An animalistic urge to start in
on the other brow.
Until I stop
and become so embarrassed.
That I cry
when I look in the mirror.

I used to sob in therapy.
Because I couldn't catch myself in the act
soon enough.
Then I would have to start
the rebirth of a new eyebrow
all over again.

I carried fidget spinners
stress *****
down the halls of my college campus.
Hid my "toys" in class
shamefully told each professor
I was sorry if my actions were
disruptive.

My moods were eruptive.
Paranoid someone would see.
The ugly monster I was underneath.
The made up eyebrows
I plastered on my face.
Put in place
of the real thing.

Please tell me again
how you can possibly understand.
How your undiagnosed
non-maddening habits
are the same.
You can't begin to imagine
The shame.
A girl who suffers from Trichotillomania.
Jan 2018 · 170
coping
Brianna Sich Jan 2018
My therapist says I'm coping with my grief
well.
for the first time in my life.
if you call

Eating so many doughnuts you want to puke
dyeing your hair green
and binge watching tv
healthy.
getting tattoed
writing things that make you want to cry
getting lost in so many books

healthy.

I will be okay though
Dec 2017 · 143
In the middle
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
What are you putting on?  Speed Stick Ocean Breeze I say. Old Spice anything is better he says.

Over the next two months I take care to put on his deodorant because Old Spice anything is better.
Dec 2017 · 216
The meeting.
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
Meeting you
Was like bathing
In the sun
On a balmy summer day.
A cool breeze
Gently swept through me.
Goosebumps rose
From the dead,
Rippling across my skin.
You radiated sunshine
Into my body.
You hungrily asked me
a thousand buzzing questions.
I eagerly fed you.
I wanted this day to last
Forever.
Dec 2017 · 222
Pick up your phone
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
if you called me right now
would I even answer?
do i know better?

the thought of listening to your
sweet honey voice
makes my body tremble.
knees weak
heart beat
nauseous.

i don't.
i would answer.

i would hold my breath.
clench my jaw so tight.
knuckles white.
smile through the phone,
pretend that i'm alive


i'm just not strong
enough
to resist you
today
or
ever.
please call me, please.
Dec 2017 · 384
It will happen
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
When the tears finally fall.

They will fall harder than any
summer rain I have ever danced in.

They will roll like rivers
down my face.
I will fall into those raging rivers
pouring from my eyes
and gasp for air as I begin to drown.
in the overwhelming feeling
that we
made a mistake.

I will swim to the surface
and cry out
for you .
But I won't be able to
hear you over the
cracking thunder
of my
thoughts.

They will fall harder
than I did for you

yes

The tears will inevitably fall.
But only
after I have convinced myself
that I no longer love you.
no longer need you.
But I do.
Dec 2017 · 187
shedding you
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
i will try
to remove you from me.
evacuate your scent
release
your grasp on my wobbly heart.
forget the details of your face.
evict you from my memory.
peel your magnetic personality off of me.

shed you like a snake skin.
brush you out like a thousand loose hairs.

when I'm done there will be no one
named you,
left within me.
Dec 2017 · 90
Wondering.
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
I can't help but wonder
if you ever miss me too.
You left and I stopped getting your calls.
You left and I stopped hearing from you at all.
I wonder what you're doing and
if you're okay.
I wish that I knew what to say.

I can't help but wonder if tears well up in you eyes too
But I can't make them fall.
I don't know why, how about you?

I often wonder if it's me on your mind
If it's possible a love like ours could be so unkind.

I wonder if your heart feels empty like mine.
All I feel is the empty spaces where your presence should be.
All I hear is the way my heart used to sing.

Maybe I don't want know,
What happened to us?
Maybe with time I can let it go.
Dec 2017 · 170
Survival
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
In order to survive this
I
will
have to pretend
that
I
Never loved you.
Dec 2017 · 344
Truth
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
The truth is
I'm alive.

But I stopped breathing
A long time ago.
Dec 2017 · 479
Preoccupy
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
I will drown myself
in things to do.

Since I can no longer
drown myself

in you.
Dec 2017 · 205
Trains.
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
My apartment starts to shake
as yet another train rolls through
downtown.

I can't hep but think of you
and how
much like these trains
you rolled through my heart.

never slowing down
until coming to a screeching halt.

I watched them in silence as tears fell from eyes.
Dec 2017 · 1.8k
I knew
Brianna Sich Dec 2017
The funny thing about love is people are always trying to tell you how to feel it.

"You hardly know the guy, you can't be in love."
"You're too young to be in love."
We've heard it all before.
From my experience though,

Love has no time constraints.
Yes, love is complicated,
But it is also very simple.

I knew I loved him when
I heard him laugh for the first time.
when I watched his eyes light up,
while he talked about airplanes.

I knew I loved him
when he made me an egg volcano for breakfast
and we pretended to be his roommate's parents.
(even though I had never met his roommate before that)

I knew I loved him
when I sat across from him on the dock
and watched the starlight dance on his face.
when I felt like I could tell him anything.

I knew I loved him when
he told me he had to leave.
I knew there wouldn't be a spot missing
in my heart where he once existed.
But a spot that he still lived
and bloomed,
where my heart still throbbed for him.

Where I still smelled his cologne,
heard him laughing,
felt his lips pressed against mine.

I would cry,
boy would I cry.
But I knew I would love him forever.
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