I took a long hard look in the mirror,
And I didn't like what I saw.
Staring back was a sad, hopeless, lost loser.
Surely, that's not what I see.
I'm sending out a search party
To find myself
Because when I look in the mirror,
I don't know who's staring back at me.

I am sad.
You are happy.
Like clouds and rain,
We work perfectly together
In keeping everything sane.

When you first meet me
Just know
I'm a century plant.
I start as a seed,
Yet I do not grow.
It takes years
For me to open up
And experience
True happiness.
For this,
I'm Sorry.

Standing in a place of familiarity
Yet feeling so distant.
The unwanted emotions
Are coming up my body
And closing up my throat.
I’ll be okay.
Keep saying it.
Then it’ll be true.
I’ll be okay
I’ll be okay
I’ll be okay.
Why isn’t it working?

How is it
I build myself up
Void to no emotion
Then when you come along,
I'm putty in your hands?
All that hard work
Out the window,
Just for You.
Mold me,
I'll be anything you want.
Just don't leave me.
 Again.

I write poems to express my feelings
        But the problem is
   I don't know how I'm feeling.
The search party is still out
 Because I know somewhere out there
Deep down inside
Is the little girl I used to be
Just trying to hide.
Hide from all the hate that was so foreign
The hate that's  part of her life now
But she just won't accept it.
  She's looking for the rainbow
But the rainbow isn't there.
She's just trying to find herself.
But there's hate everywhere.

The feelings have stirred up.
The unwanted anxiety.
"No one invited you, please leave."
It's not listening to me,
So I run.
They say you can't run from your problems.
Watch me.
I'll run.
Mentally.
Physically.
I'll run until my cheeks are wind burnt.
Until my lungs are on fire.
I'll run until my problems melt away.
I'll run until pain
Is just another irrelevant word.

Looking into those eyes
And trying to find hope
Is a task in itself.
You scour fields
And hike over mountains,
You find puddles
Of lakes left behind
From dreams forgotten.
You try to re-emerge the memories
Of that dreamer child
Who promised herself she’d be a doer.
Looking at those hands,
Studying the calluses
You’ve made from the strength
You’ve tried to gain
Makes you self aware of your journey.
You look at all the scars
From the years of an adventurous childhood.
You think of when you weren’t so secluded,
When you weren’t so scared to live.
You look up and wonder
How you slowly lost yourself
And didn’t notice until it was too late
To go back.

I sit,
A silent dandelion
Tending to itself.
You come in,
A thundercloud
Waiting to ruin my day.
My petals don’t hold strong,
You know this.
You don’t require much wind
To clap,
And wash me away.
It happens again,
Your thunderous quake
That ruins everything.
I’ll wait for the storm to pass,
I’ll act unbothered.
Then I’ll sit.
A silent dandelion stem,
Tending to itself.

I sleep too much.
Yes, I've been told.
But,see, when I sleep
Everything bothering me
Seems to disappear,
Just for a moment.
The more I sleep,
The longer the moments last.
So yes, I sleep a lot.
Maybe too much.
But it's my escape
To the only happy I know.

It's been a long time
Since I've seen you happy.
I miss those days.
I wish I could go back in time
To fix whatever broke
Your beautiful smile.

I’m enjoying myself.
Living freely.
But when you come in
Your booming voice
Runs through my veins.
And next thing you know,
My wish is your command.
Oh, what love does to me.
I know you don’t care.
But I tell myself you do.
Then when your through,
Im here.
Again.
Broken hearted.
Then I build myself up.
And I’m enjoying myself.
Living freely.

I seem to forget i am only temporary.
I forget i am just the bandgage
On your miniscule wound.
And when you heal,
You leave me once again,
Vulnerable,
Waiting for my next broken heart.

He was the sun
On a cold day.
She was the shadow
On a sunny day.
Working hand and hand,
Making the world go round.
But sometimes,
It just didn’t work.

Sweetie,
You’re a sidewalk daisy.
It takes a certain special
To notice your worth
<3

Sometimes,
I’m not asking for much.
Sometimes,
I just need to hear those 4 words.
“I’m here for you”...

Once he regretted his mistakes,
It was too late.
For she had already moved on.

And you were the apple
I couldn’t help from poisoning myself with.

A straw house
In the middle of a tornado.
There's no being "ok"
That straw house
Is ruined.
Time to pick up the pieces
And start to rebuild.
There's no recovery.
Only a clean slate.
That little straw house
Will never be what it once was.

in the thoughts
of everything that has been
and everything that could have been.
looking back at the storms
caused by uncontrollable weather.
how selfish of me to compare my situations
to weather that is no one’s choice,
like I didn’t make the choice to create
the tornado in a bottle.
i feel as if i am God,
but only bringing havoc.
i’m so far down in a rabbit hole
of nothing but chaos
i’ve forgotten how to grab a branch
and slow myself down.
get it together
is such a small phrase
but a much larger task.

You don’t need to write an essay
To prove to me you care
Because actions speak louder than words.
Check on me when I need it,
And for you I’ll do the same.
But when I need you the most,
Please don’t banish
In the midst of everything insane.

Sitting in the dark,
The soundless void consumes me.
Where did I get to the point
Where even my thoughts have no sound?

I love how when you lie,
Your snake like words
Slither across your tongue
And out of your mouth
Oh so effortlessly.

Some nights i sit up and wonder
If you think about me the way i think about you.
If i race across your mind like lighting
If i make your heart skip a beat
When you hear my name.
If the butterflies in your stomach
Let you reach the clouds when you see me.
But most nights i sit up and wonder
If you even cared enough
To remember my name.

I don't like to express myself
Because I know I'll be put down.
You say you wouldn't do that to me,
But darling,  don't you see?
You already have.
So now I sit silently
Having nothing to share.
No individuality.
No importance,
No need to be here.
I'm about as needed
As a white crayon is
On white paper.

My advice to you:
Feel with your heart,
Love with your mind.

Your touch.
It send jolts
Of electricity
Through my veins.
Your smile.
It sends swarms
Of butterflies
Through my body.
Your voice.
It soothes me
On horrible days.
You.
All of you.
Is what’s saving me.