I am ashamed
At how broken i am.
I apologize
For the amount of stress
I may cause in the midst of your
Efforts of trying to keep me held together.
I apologize
that i continue to fall apart
Before your glue has time to dry.
I apologize
That every time you pick a piece of me up,
Yet another breaks.
I am trying.
You are fixing me slower than i am breaking,
And i am ashamed.
Thank you.
Thank you for not giving up
On a broken piece of nothing.

I am standing on a tightrope
As you’ve taken the net from beneath me
Once again.
See one wrong step,
One wrong move,
And i’ve ended it all.
So as your words
Shoot arrows past my head,
I haven’t the time
Nor the energy
To dodge them.
So please,
Take the net,
Shoot the arrows,
And hope i survive the outcome

I don't like to express myself
Because I know I'll be put down.
You say you wouldn't do that to me,
But darling,  don't you see?
You already have.
So now I sit silently
Having nothing to share.
No individuality.
No importance,
No need to be here.
I'm about as needed
As a white crayon is
On white paper.

looking into your eyes
reminded me of a galaxy,
too far to discover.
you were venturing your thoughts
while i was locked out.
looking at your lips
reminded me of the clouds
on a stormy day.
so tempting to touch,
yet so dangerous.
hearing your voice
brought me into a blissful peace
i have yet to discover on my own.
everything about you
screams into my soul,
reminding me that you are
my forbidden fruit.
but oh what I wouldn’t do
to take one more bite.

When I say I’m a hopeless dreamer,
I mean when I think of traveling the world,
I think of the 35 cents
Sitting on my counter:
I can travel to the couch and back.
When I say I’m a hopeless romantic,
I mean when I think of you and I,
I think of finding a *** of gold
At the end of a rainbow:
Not going to happen.
See, I’ve got dreams,
I think of romance.
But I’m also quite aware of reality,
And I’m aware of things that just aren’t possible.

You were my first love.
My first kiss.
My first butterfly feeling.
You were my everything.
But first and foremost,
You were my first heartbreak.
Fall nights with our bodies huddled up
Intertwined together liked roses on a fence.
Those nights I wished would never end.
But she called you up and you went running.
Everything we once had was gone.
****.
In one moment, my whole world changed.
My soft heart open to anything you asked,
Shut down and isolated itself.
I cuddled with my anxiety
On those fall nights.
You told me you loved me
For more reasons
Than there are stars in the sky.
Come back please,
And feed me one more lie?

I keep saying “believe in yourself”,
but i won’t believe in me.
to expect you to do this,
how much of a hypocrite would i be?
i’m in a garden
of roses
But still see a ****.
I’m expecting to grow,
but won’t move to new soil.
every time i have the opportunity
i recoil.
it’s time to notice my worth
instead of viewing myself as the dirt.

I write poems to express my feelings
        But the problem is
   I don't know how I'm feeling.
The search party is still out
 Because I know somewhere out there
Deep down inside
Is the little girl I used to be
Just trying to hide.
Hide from all the hate that was so foreign
The hate that's  part of her life now
But she just won't accept it.
  She's looking for the rainbow
But the rainbow isn't there.
She's just trying to find herself.
But there's hate everywhere.

And you were the apple
I couldn’t help from poisoning myself with.

I took a long hard look in the mirror,
And I didn't like what I saw.
Staring back was a sad, hopeless, lost loser.
Surely, that's not what I see.
I'm sending out a search party
To find myself
Because when I look in the mirror,
I don't know who's staring back at me.

You were like a kite in the wind
I was the hopeful little child
Who could never get you
To where you needed to be.
Running for hours
Hoping you would catch up
And fly
Ever so delicately.
But you never did.
I couldn't control you.
Maybe that's why
It was so hard
To say goodbye?

Depression is
Invisible.
Depression is
Not a joke to be made to friends.
Depression is
Like being in a car
Going to fast.
Uncertain of the destination.
Depression is
Drowning in water
You could save yourself from
If you would just STAND.
Just
Stand
Up.
Depression is
Lating in the same water
Weights tied down on you.
Depression is
Being trapped in your own prison,
Everyone you love surrounding you,
They can’t reach you.
If you would just REACH OUT.
Just
Reach
Out.
Depression is
Laying in your fortress of solitude
Rotting away.
Depression is
A drop of water in a drought.
You are useless.
Depression is
Not a feeling.
In fact,
There’s no feeling at all.
Depression is
Finding out who cares the most
When you’ve shut yourself down
And they still care for you.
People
Still
Care.
I promise.

I try too hard.
I know, I've been told.
But I just want to fit in
I just want to be liked.
I guess that's too much
To ask for.
I can't please you
And you don't accept me either way.
I be myself,
You hate it.
I try changing,
I'm 'fake'.
Who do you want me to be?

Looking into those eyes
And trying to find hope
Is a task in itself.
You scour fields
And hike over mountains,
You find puddles
Of lakes left behind
From dreams forgotten.
You try to re-emerge the memories
Of that dreamer child
Who promised herself she’d be a doer.
Looking at those hands,
Studying the calluses
You’ve made from the strength
You’ve tried to gain
Makes you self aware of your journey.
You look at all the scars
From the years of an adventurous childhood.
You think of when you weren’t so secluded,
When you weren’t so scared to live.
You look up and wonder
How you slowly lost yourself
And didn’t notice until it was too late
To go back.

Can we forget about now?
Can we not think of tomorrow?
Let's go back in time,
Where things were happier.
Simpler.

I had a wonderful night.
I have a great life.
But something feels empty,
And I don't know why.
I feel like I'm dieing ,
Yet I'm perfectly fine.
Something's not right
And there's no way to explain.
I want to go live my life freely,
No bonds tieing me down.
I don't want to think about the consequences.
Because I don't know if there will be a tomorrow.
I don't want to be here,
But I'm trying so hard to make the best of it.
What is wrong with me?
Someone tell me.
Please.

Some nights i sit up and wonder
If you think about me the way i think about you.
If i race across your mind like lighting
If i make your heart skip a beat
When you hear my name.
If the butterflies in your stomach
Let you reach the clouds when you see me.
But most nights i sit up and wonder
If you even cared enough
To remember my name.

Time flies.
You know this.
Yet you use it up so selfishly.
No one is promised tomorrow.
You know this.
Yet you use your days to criticize people,
Instead of trying
To make they’re unknown tomorrow better.
Words are strong.
You know this.
Yet you throw them around
Like they’re paper *****
And not hand grenades.
You hurt people.
But once again, you know this.

in the thoughts
of everything that has been
and everything that could have been.
looking back at the storms
caused by uncontrollable weather.
how selfish of me to compare my situations
to weather that is no one’s choice,
like I didn’t make the choice to create
the tornado in a bottle.
i feel as if i am God,
but only bringing havoc.
i’m so far down in a rabbit hole
of nothing but chaos
i’ve forgotten how to grab a branch
and slow myself down.
get it together
is such a small phrase
but a much larger task.

A straw house
In the middle of a tornado.
There's no being "ok"
That straw house
Is ruined.
Time to pick up the pieces
And start to rebuild.
There's no recovery.
Only a clean slate.
That little straw house
Will never be what it once was.

The feelings have stirred up.
The unwanted anxiety.
"No one invited you, please leave."
It's not listening to me,
So I run.
They say you can't run from your problems.
Watch me.
I'll run.
Mentally.
Physically.
I'll run until my cheeks are wind burnt.
Until my lungs are on fire.
I'll run until my problems melt away.
I'll run until pain
Is just another irrelevant word.

I seem to forget i am only temporary.
I forget i am just the bandgage
On your miniscule wound.
And when you heal,
You leave me once again,
Vulnerable,
Waiting for my next broken heart.

How is it
I build myself up
Void to no emotion
Then when you come along,
I'm putty in your hands?
All that hard work
Out the window,
Just for You.
Mold me,
I'll be anything you want.
Just don't leave me.
 Again.

Its been a long time
Since i even searhed for the real me.
Instead,
i’m too busy apologizing
For not being the person I used to be.
I miss her too,
Don’t get me wrong,
But i feel like at this point
She’s too far gone.
I wish i could go back
To the simpler days,
Where the only thing to worry about
Is what song I’d sing on Sundays.
I can’t focus and i can’t see.
Which is why i’ve given up
On finding the person i used to be.

lips like poison,
eyes as green as envy,
one word and you have me
falling to your knees.
one kiss and i have blood dripping
from my own lips.
you chase me,
until i’m intoxicated by lust.
your body finally intertwines with mine.
yet i wake up feeling loved,
but to no one around.

I apologize.
I’m sorry that all of your responsibilites
Are washing over you,
Pushing you into a worrysome bout of aggravation.
I’m sorry thar you don’t feel you’re parenting well,
Not keeping me satisfied 100 percent of the time
I’m sorry that i’m so much to handle,
Adding onto the unbearable weights you carry.
I’m sorry that you feel meaningless
When you’re my world,
My inseperable half.
And most importantly,
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to help you.

Actions speak louder than words.
You won’t fully understand this
Until you’re standing in front
Of a broken heart
From the lies you’ve told.
You won’t fully understand this
Until you’ve turned the light drizzle of rain
Into a hurricane.
You won’t fully understand this
Until you’ve watched someone’s trust
Leave their body and crash
Into a million pieces below.
And you won’t fully understand this
Until you’re standing in the ruins
Worse than Athens
That you’ve created from those actions.