my arms remember razor blades and spiked needles
and my veins ache to feel the warmth of her
swimming perfectly through my bloodstream
and engulfing my every fear, my every desire
until i am nothing but a pool of sticky tar

my nostrils burn without the powder
flying into my brain, and dripping down my throat
keeping me awake for days on end
and opening up my mind for my pen
shaking as i hold it to the paper; scribble

my tongue dwells on the bitter taste of hallucinogens
that made me dance in the coldest rain
and swim in the smallest pools of warm blood
that erupted from the belly of an orange tiger
who held my hand, and danced to the beats

my stomach remembers the feeling of pill bottles
emptied out; the tablets dissolved
coaxing me into warm slumbers, and forgetfulness
i miss the feeling of letting go
of love, of pain, of regret

it takes
many months
fit into
many years
to drink your way to
to smoke your way to
to **** your way to
to lie your way to
to trick your way to
to swallow your way to
to consume your way to
to fiend your way to
to light your way to
to hate your way to
self-sabotage

it is wanting
everything
and denying yourself
everything
you need
to get there

I was young, once
I went out and I
Swam
The water coated me
And I felt free
But I grew up,
And grew fond in new liquids-
Codeine and Whiskey

I was drunk, once;
I stole my parent's liquor
And hid
In my closet
I felt brand new;
It wore off,
And I cut my wrists...
Again

I was scarred, once
(And I still am)-
From razorblades and bad boys
But it was never enough-
So I tried the sticky green,
And felt at peace
In my own smokey clouds;
I was dazed

I was high, once.
And then I met the queen-
She was an ******!
I shot her through my veins,
And she swam
And made me *****
And addict...
I went swimming,
            and I drowned.

gentle, slow, soft breathing
tugging at my focus lines
dazing & hypnotizing wide eyes
reaching far into my mind
laughing- what a paradox
imagination splinters into understanding
my conscious and subconscious matter are two

i merely wish to realign my chemicals;
i'd rather work as one.

i feel what i feel
with such depth and aching despair
my chest is caving in
at times; i am filled with water

i'm a finely tuned banjo
in a sea of horned instruments
and no one wants to play me
or open me up
i'm so closed up

but on days when the mania is gone,
the depression isn't so bad anymore
i have my lovers and
the pills i eat with dinner
work

i'm swallowing down my pride
paying attention and trying to decide
where i can hide my nervous sighs
when i'm in a room of people
and still feel alone

i needed a break
i don't know how to find that
exactly
without the dependence
of chemicals

i am pursuing a lighter path
will it impress you?
my muscles ache
my heart aches
my brain... it aches

finding a way to end a poem
when you're still sad
is the hardest part
of trying to cope
positively

i can't end here either
because then anxiety swoops in
like a hawk
or some other bird she named
when we were under the trees

i'm swimming in a pool
of bad nostalgia
and beautiful synchronicities
i'm so sick of
the ups and downs

I told you that you were loved and you didn't believe me.
What made you think that I didn't love you?
What made you believe that you were a lost cause?
Who the **** told you that you weren't good enough?
I want to know.
More so, I want to wrap the noose around his neck BEFORE he touched you,
Before you got the chance to wrap it around yours.

Ever since you left, I have suffocated underneath your death.

I do not sleep with blankets on anymore because I can not stay warm knowing that you are lying cold in the ground.

I no longer open up my windows and let the let shine in because I know that you are drowning in the darkness.

I can not put my hands to the steering wheel and drive because I will never be able to let go of the day that we stole that blue minivan and tried to get away.

I just want to know why you didn't tell us what was wrong.
I want to know why we weren't there.
I want to know why the last words that escaped were: "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone."

When you're gone? When you're gone? You can't be gone. I won't believe that you are gone, that your beautiful body is buried somewhere beneath the dirt when you deserved to stand on stars.

I want to know why you didn't leave me a ******* note, some type of ******* answer.

Because now, I'm stuck. I am stuck, and I am haunted by your ghost. I am missing every bit of you.

I am missing your voice.

I am calling you. Please come back to me.

Your voicemail.

"Hey, it's Meagan! Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

But you're NOT getting back to me. Sometimes I pretend that you will.

Did you know that I would be broken without you? That these needles are the only thing that can possibly puncture me enough to make me feel again?

Did you know that whenever anything goes wrong, my first thought is: "If only she were here"

When you left, you took every bit of hope from me.
When you left, you took my will to live.
When you left, when you left, when you left,
WHAT made YOU think I was strong enough to handle THIS?!

It's been seven months. I am not sure I can make it seven more.

I have become filled with you, your sweet little laugh,
and the stupid ******* jokes you played.

It was not a joke when you hung yourself.
No one laughed; no one dared make the slightest of sounds.
We held our breath and danced with candles until the moon in itself faltered and fell down.

today i did not get out of bed
today i do not feel like writing poetry,
or finishing my novel,
or being productive

today i am my scars,
today i am my thoughts,
today i am exactly what terrifies me
and makes me not want to
breathe, today

often, i let my mind wander off
unto thoughts of you, and your moustache
tickling me beneath the mistletoe-
smoke lingering, your fingertips ridden with ash,
and you kiss me and pull me in,
closer
closer
closer
until the miles distancing us
become nothing but a mere illusion

i imagine the scent of your pillow,
and the warmth of your blankets,
i am in a frenzy for your love
that will never dance across my skin
and tickle my sides,
with laughter and white lines
(healed, healed, healed)

you'd drift off to sleep,
and i'd lie awake and memorize
the exact locations of your freckles
and i'd trace your scars with shaking fingertips;
my aching legs would carry me,
to make toast
in the early hours of dawn,
to eat and wash down with water,
and keep it down, down, down
and let the numbers go

i'd drop every blade,
every bad habit,
as i walked to you,
even though i know
you'd never shame me

there are reasons behind the worry,
and tears behind these rivers,
but i'd walk three-thousand miles,
if only i could
             save
             you

pick up the pieces
from my favorite vinyl,
the one you smashed
over my head
like a drunk would
with a bottle of whiskey

pick up the pieces
from my beating heart
the one you tore into
with your rage
like a rabid wolf would
with his sharpened teeth

pick up my needle
filled with my favorite
the ****** i bought
with the money
in your wallet
stolen, like my emotions

pick up my body,
deadweight
wrists bleeding, eyes shut
shatter the windows
with your screams,
as i fade

Kaleidoscope raindrops fill in low eyes,
and blotter tab lunatics jump up high-
Alice is missing! Chesire's loose!
The Jabberwock is drinking a burning juice
The ceiling's melting, and the clock's been moved;
Hey White Rabbit, you're gonna get bruised.
We need order in our not-so-sober minds,
Oh, Mad Hatter! Could you be so kind?
Have you seen the Caterpillar yet?
Where is he- can you bet?
I'm willing to gamble; that's not tobacco in his pipe-
Let it be known; he's high as a kite!
Alice, oh Alice...
What have you done?