Stop.
Stop apologising for him not loving you.
Stop apologising for having
small hands and a loud mouth
and a big heart.
Stop searching for reasons why you're not good enough:
you are more than enough.
Stop expecting apologetic phonecalls
or his car parked outside the front of your house.
He isn't coming back.
You don't want him back.
Girls,
you're so quick to see being a woman
as being weak, used, desperate.
You confuse fragility with weakness;
yes, you are delicate
but you are strong
strong and beautiful
and I promise it will come to you;
I promise that love will come to you.
There will be someone
who is more in love with the fact you woke up next to him
than the fact you fell asleep next to him.
He will love you in ways that fill your lungs
and he will love you because you are you.
There will be someone
that adores your small hands,
someone who considers your loud mouth to be music,
someone that wants to love your big heart.
There will be someone
that considers your body to be valuable art
rather than a mere object.
There will be someone
that doesn't tell people you're *'just friends'.
There will be someone
who is proud to have you.
There will be someone who will love you
the way you want to be loved.
There will be someone who will love you
and cause you to finally love yourself.

i am a mess of the mistakes
others have made;
thoughts of you
and what you did to me
cause me to grind my teeth.
i thought you were an angel
and yes, i mean that metaphorically
but i mean it literally, too.
i was drowning in depression
and you came along to save me
and honestly,
i really thought you'd stay.
but no,
you are the devil's replica
and oh my god you know how to lie
and tempt
and burn.
you found me in a place no map could portray;
dancing with my own darkness
as if the shadows were somehow a comfort
for my delicate little heart to love.
why did you take me away from the dark
just to throw me in to it further?
i wish you'd disappear, somewhere miles away.
i wish you'd go somewhere as cold, empty and isolated as yourself.
i gave you everything
and you left me with nothing,
causing me to start a war with my skin.
do you know how much it hurts
to have to search for countless reasons
as to why you're not good enough?
do you know how much it hurts
to know you're not enough for someone
who is more than enough for you?
i do not love the person
who walked away from me that day
i am in love with the person
i thought you were.
do you know how much that hurts?
i am in love with someone who doesn't even exist!
i've spent weeks wishing you'd come back
but now,
i do not want you back.
you were only in love with the concept of me
and the thought of that makes me sick
to my stomach.
i hope that it
was worth losing me for.
it's clear her skin served you
better than mine ever did.
it's clear her body was more of a masterpiece
than mine ever was.

Things change and people do to.
It just ***** when the ones changing are the ones you never though would leave you.

i’ve spent the last
six months of my life
dying to die
with no results.
and in that time i’ve
been walking
on a sidewalk that
is crooked and cracked
into some godforsaken
place. through my journeys
i’ve come to rely
on two certainties:
that i will go to bed
unsatisfied and hungry.

and every night is
a rainy one and cats eat
the fur and bones of dogs dead
in the flooded gutters. the grey
monoliths of the city
are always a step away, but
i don’t get any closer.

and if i could give back
all the cigarette ash and whiskey
i’ve drank i’d do it because
i’d be losing blank meaningless
memories, or at least
they mean nothing to me. i can’t
say the same about
those people in the memories.

and i passed the corner
where i sat drunk on the brick
with my friend, smoking
a cigarette and i remember
telling him that it was
going to be alright. i don’t
know if i was lying or if
i didn’t know the truth
but he left.

and i walked by the home
of my first love and the windows
were dark and the cars were
gone from the driveway.

and i found myself in front
of the house of the girl
i loved who didn’t love me
and the air was black, save
for the glare of a lighter through
the rain and i remembered
a dream i had.

I am falling
back to where I used to be
except
you're not going to be there for me.
It hurts
knowing I was in love with an illusion
of what I thought you were,
knowing I am in love with a ghost,
knowing I am in love with someone
who doesn't exist.
It hurts
because I am still seventeen
and you were my friend
and you used me
and I'm still naive enough
to think that maybe you'll call
or maybe
I'll come home one day and see your car
and I'll see you
and you'll tell me it was a mistake
and you'll say you know what you want now
and you'll say you want me,
and you'll say you love me.
I guess I'm just deluded, right?
Stupid,
Psychotic,
Blind.
Let me tell you this:
I never wanted anything but you,
but you never wanted anything
other than my body
which I gave to you.
But it wasn't enough.
I wasn't enough for you.
*******
for making me feel worthless again.
*******
for making me think you were my friend.
*******
for not coming back to me.
I thought you were an angel
sent to save me,
to put me back together again.
I thought you were a masterpiece.
I thought I found God when I kissed you.
I thought that above all,
you would keep me safe,
you would protect me,
you would care about me.
But no,
you broke my ******* heart.
*******
for breaking my heart.

Mamma don't you love me
the thought goes through my mind
over and over without a clear path or destination
like a tumbleweed in a desolate ghost town
it rolls around unseen
unlike on the movie screen

her tongue was a battalion
it fired through my soul
with metal shards of hateful love

her words were like a leather belt
that licked me time and time again
hit straight through tissue blood and veins
and hit my heart , my lonesome bitter heart

my house is painted in tiny black lines
the shadows from the bars
that surround the now empty and cold chambers of my heart

last night you ruined a lot more than just a tiny little crush
your ruined an opportunity for love
one for smile
one for tears
one for memories
one for some more fears
you ruined the chance for me to love again
one for me to be loved back
you ruined a chance for me to fall
to hurt myself and cry over the pain
you see...
you didn't ruin my night
or my crush
or my dignity
you ruined my chance at another chapter in life

I can't write a story
if you edit out the chapters mother...
the story would end and seem unfit
to ever be published
I can't write a story, If you take out all the chapters
I'd rather just stop writing
and leave it all unfinished

because you loved me to death
and the contradiction killed me

And once again her so called friend,
will leave her to go off with yet another guy.
And once again she'll be alone at lunch,
sitting in the bathroom while she cries.

So I guess it's true.
Everything is true.
You don't ever stop loving the first person you fell in love with.
You just deal with not having them in your life.
You learn new ways to go throughout your day.
You reconstruct your life.
It's almost as if you're building an entirely new life.
You no longer have to take another person into consideration when making plans.
And as freeing as that may be to some, to others it's as painful as being stabbed with a knife.
It's as if a part of you is empty.
The nights are suddenly longer and lonelier when you don't have the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.
The days are lonely too.
No sweet texts to brighten your day and make you smile.
No more daydreaming in class and drawing his name in hearts all over your notebook.
Losing your first love causes you to have to reconstruct routines.
It causes you to always wonder what more could have been.
But most of all, it reminds you that nothing last forever... And there is nothing we can do about it.