Turning over reaching out
the moans slowly fade
with the realization
that beside her lay
nothing but air
she takes that in deeply
and with a smile goes on

Waking up
rubbing the sleep from her eyes
to her instinctive surprise
she can't find her glasses
laughing it off
knowing she doesn't need them
she gets up anyway

Still slightly half asleep
and images not as clear as they are usually
she stumbles into the bathroom
where she regularly brushes her teeth
not being able to find the toothpaste
she laughs it off
she must have simply forgotten to get more
after running out
seeing this as nothing
to make a bad morning over

Tiptoeing to the kitchen
in the cold, she hugs herself
blinking in the bright light
not quite ready to face it all
her muscle memory kicks in
automatically she reaches for the
coffee maker, and finds it has disappeared.
sighing she finds contentment
in heating up a leftover cup from the fridge.

This being the third thing,
and maybe partly the caffeine
she starts to become flustered
her mind starts trailing off into
different scenarios of what could be taking place
she tries her best to examine her surroundings
maybe she is in the wrong house
she goes to the front door
to check for an apocalypse
and finds joggers, then children playing down the street
making sounds of frustration she closes herself off to the world
she walks back through the house trying to see
a sense of entitlement washes over her
this is what she deserves,
what she has set in motion for herself
the questions are endless and her bad mood tide is rising
she wishes to call
the lover she lives with
but quickly discovers her phone to be misplaced

Running her fingers through her hair
the location of her brush is now unknown
her heartbeat beating faster
right when she can't calm herself down
the front door opens again
her love walks in
the sight of him holding
what seem to be the shape of two coffees
makes breathing better
she doesn't have to say anything
her face questions all
he quickly apologizes for not being there
when she awoke
he had to act quickly
handing her the coffee
her fingers rapidly warm with contentment

she asks about her glasses
he places something in her hands
saying he knocked them down which broke them
hence why he left, to fix them
putting them on she looks around
everything is safe and sound.

Still can't sleep at night
Something keeps me going
Lingered in the moments
Traced back in my thoughts

I can taste it with my fingers
But the reason why escapes me
Slips away so slowly
But somehow focus only

On how lonely
I've been allowed to become
Obsessed with
The last vestige

Of the happiest I have ever been.

So knowing how long it takes
Calculating all the stakes
Letting myself escalate
As I dream of running

Never wanting to wake up.

The irony of the day and the age when we met doesn't escape me.
I can't foresee this bringing happiness at least for a while.
Now being on the far side of this avalanche, I am aware.
What this experience bubbled up inside me, I needed.
I am not what happened to me.

I would have never guessed things to take this direction
was hiding in my corner on the edge of extinction

but isn't that always how things tend to happen?
you keep to yourself and don't take very many chances

you make the time to distract and busy yourself
putting what you know you can't deny up on a shelf

and right when you least expect it
it bites hard and you get hit

your heart races quicker
the flame starts to flicker

and you find that even in all the little things
they pull at your heartstrings

and try as you might
you can't help but take flight
and in the cold rainy night
you just know everything is going to be alright.

I wish I didn't know you
but it hurts too much when I don't
forever lost in this paradox
you keep slipping and making me watch
because I could never help you
you are too far gone

circling the same questions in my mind
not being able to answer just how we got here
thinking about you makes me sick
especially knowing how much time I have spent
waiting, understanding, giving you chances
it should have killed me

I may have lost all reasoning as to why I exist.

left to my own devices
taking not a **** word
of any good advice
my mind can get absurd

I think you scare me so intensely
because you flow so smooth
I can't think of you lightly
because you are all I have to lose

surprising me like no other can
the way I feel I just can't get a grasp
but I wish you would take a stand
for my patience never lasts

cautious to lay bare my thoughts
encumbered in my awkwardness
like molasses,* you thicken the plot
simply making this version of me the best.

The timing seemed so perfect
To find someone like you was a dream
I made wishes on stars and dandelions
My passion inspired by all things on your mind
The freedom I felt was something I never had before
There was no denying the connection
That was literally not of this world.

Then, like the flick of a switch, it all faded away.
It isn't easy for me to be that way, but I tried.
You are worth it, but I guess I'm not good enough.
I call *******.
Dreams happen for a reason.
But life goes on.

This is why I used to cut 'til I bled and made no fuss, and why I wish I never stopped.
This is why I drink 'til I'm drunk, I chug 'til I'm ******, hoping I will get kidney failure.
This is why every plane that flies above, I wish I could be on just so I could jump off.
This is why I hide, keeping most things inside, to myself so nobody can find what really lies there.
This is why I try so hard not to cry, knowing I will not get by until I am all dried up.
This is why running away has always been my first choice.
This is why you think I don't have a voice.
This is why I make you think I am so mean, so cold, so angry, so controlled.
This is why you will never be able to unfold what can never be foretold.
This is why even though I lost you, I know you will lose me right back.
This is why I will never give myself any ******* slack.
This is why I write all the time.
This is why I will always **** at rhyming.
This is why I get so lost in fairytales, stories, dimensions, other peoples minds.
This is why there are no mirrors so I will forever stay blind.
Knowing that if I ever catch a glance, looking at myself, I will know this is the reason why.

Thick, hot carelessness
The air ripped from my chest
Sticky with disappointment
This is only for the best
As you gracefully gloss over
My lingering words which only ever
Try to hold such meaning
Seemingly to myself
This ongoing drought
Void of all emotion
I have little doubt
Of comprehending notions
With heart in hand I walk away
Painfully forcing every step
I don't look back because I know
This is only for the best.

Things are winding down now,
I can see it clearly
I never meant to be like this
It's not who I am, not really.
You told me so many things
That I now see as lies,
But when I try to tell you
You just desensitize.
I'm somehow really good at
Messing everything up,
But I always try to be a good person
Even though I should just shut up.

breathe in
breathe out
others find the mundane in routine
I discover the freedom
the hidden frequencies
connecting my downward spiral
to the teeth that grind
feeling stupid as I shake my head
if only I had listened
but you should know
you can never be told
lessons can only be learned by experience
confined by the walls I created
when in reality my existence is limitless
I cannot contain my joy
so pure and light
smiles sneaking onto the corners of my lips
as if this happiness
were a secret, sometimes kept from myself
I now cherish
Everything
I
Am.

Your insistence pressing upon the dragging
Mustered false enthusiasm on both sides
Endless questioning expressions
Continually asking why
This prolonged sense of obligatory nonsense
Persists and carries such weight with importance
When none of it really matters

when all I want is
to be held by you.

Music and books will always be my oldest friends
Pretend worlds and the notes in between the spaces
The moments lingering, keeping me hanging by that thread
Which is the only reason I have...

Not looking for this love
has become tried and true
there were lots of reasons why
I never seemed to want to try
but you obliterated that whole train of thought.

Not letting myself see before
convinced myself, I was so sure
that I had this figured out
leaving little room for doubt
you came, you saw, and oh the love you brought.

Two thousand miles was nothing to you
knowing what I needed, you little sneak
you tiptoed 'round my heart, crept behind it
and grabbed on with all you got.

I miss you like the honeydew
forever staring back at you
dribbling over fingertips
letting just one moment slip
into a smile, quietly kept.

I analyze,                                                         ­           my whole entire world
I specialize,                                                      ­            always in acting a fool
I socialize,                                                       ­ but the truth trickles through
I vocalize,                                                        ­                 not wanting to undo
I internalize,                                                     ­     everything that matters to
With surprise                                                         ­                   the ones I love
I realize,                                                         ­          they never left my side
Then I visualize.                                             Always believing what is right.

As I lie in wait
bubbling over
tipping the scales
I'm ready
but for what I have no clue.

You took the part of me
that would have been so easy
to go with the flow
and it would have been the best
but you just didn't care to know.

You climb so high up
but I know you are scared
you went too far
and can't find your way back down
lucky I'm not around to fall with you.

I'm sure in your mind
the blame is put upon myself
you have been so blind
to the weight that you are carrying
that it falls on everyone around you.

I spent my time grieving your demise
you are as living as the dead
not sure how else to put it
even if part of it was up to me
I all but failed to bring you back.

That was never my responsibility
being so broken I crumbled before your eyes
needing the help you never could provide
I couldn't realize, that behind your smokey glare...

You just
weren't
there.