This life in this time
is so painful
not to say
everything has been easy
but at least I know where I came from
I dream of things long forgotten
of lessons still needing to be learned
but happiness never being one of them
how contemplative it makes me
to discover hidden messages
everything that was lacking
in all my previous lives
now present in my current one
but sacrificing all the simplicities
having none of it be my own doing
instinctively I long for
such contentment
being only because
I know where I have stood
what is yet to come
having to choose
not only my direction
but my intention
is simply terrifying
all I can do is practice
and learn to dream of the future
I have done it before
now I am armed
with everything
my existence forced me
to overcome.

Sunlight makes me sleepy
sometimes I can sit and wait
so patiently for someone with little time
I awaken with the sunset
letting the blackness surround
hearing nothing but the sound
of the emptiness so full
hardly noticed by most
but I am so thirsty
fill me up
of your whispers and secrets
being the only one who noticed
with all senses closed off
instinct and intuition
bleeding through
making way for me to find you
being made from dirt and stone
I bite my lip bursting with forgotten innocence
there is so much we hold
in skin and bones
blood seeping with heat
always so curious
to know how we confine
and hide inside
in plain sight
but no one ever knows.

if I had only known then
what I seem to know now
but I kept spinning around
in stupid circles
you would think I knew better
and maybe I did
still trying to find
the motivation
the drive
I'm clueless as to why
I must like pain more than I realize
down
I keep spiraling down
but the dark doesn't hurt
as much as it used to
I don't cry about things anymore
I'm empty
firing blanks
my reflection is a stranger
glancing for too long
it becomes broken and ******
there is no turning back
can't even pretend to
even if I wanted to
my self is abandoned
and this new shell has replaced
everything I thought I knew
I guess they were just lies
no solid ground to stand on
how am I still alive
when I finally find something to believe
then I turn the corner
and like a slap in the face
sometimes an actual punch
telling me every single thing I have learned
is wrong
is chaos
when all you have is yourself
but your self
is gone
taking things at face value
is a trait I now have lost
nothing is what it seems
simplicity is fallacy
as much as my heart pounds for it
it will never be
so all I have
are those moments
just those small moments
in time
flashes of light
soft skin
sleepy smiles
glances of appreciation
fingers running through my hair
toes in the sand
fuzzy blankets
breeze that brings lavender
creaky stairs
candlelight
twinkling stars
but I can never relax
I am never safe.

In my wildest and most vivid dreams
this was what I wanted
I craved and ached for the thought
that maybe one day
you might come back
realizing the obvious truth
of wanting me back
because despite all my imperfections
you are aware of the potential inside
and there is nobody capable
of being quite like me
it took me the longest time
to actually believe just that
but all on my own
all by myself
I did just that.

Clumsily staggering blindly
unconsciously for so much time
I came to.

In shock with part of me still angry
becoming fully aware of all I was repressing
instead of progressing
eventually the choice weighed me down
trying to accommodate the idea
of my dreams melting into reality
but feeling my enclosed emotions
with the chance of sharing secrets
and surprisingly harboring intense changes
within myself I saw the light
my whole life what I thought of as the classic fairytale
has turned into the best thing I never thought possible
I am my own prince charming
and as a result
I finally know it's too late.

You will always be perhaps the most important person in my life.
But I believe our time has passed.

Having been both there and done that
it's my time to move on.

I'm not the answer to your questions.
Stop asking.

Let us be
not as one
but as each other.

Happening too soon
I'm beginning to lose
it in the back of my mind
coming at me from all sides

different ways of everyone
telling me there is a right
and wrong always so caught up
in having every answer

and somehow missing the point.
I never loved you to get anything in return.
When I love
my reasons are for
that one
small
feeling...

I thought I had this planned
set aside the gas money
marked the map
packed the snacks

but the way things turned out
I was on the completely different road
going in the opposite direction
and I'm not sure how to find my way back...

Things are much better from afar away stand still.

Fingers are shaking
Lips are bit
I stare at my feet barely registering
the fact that anything else is happening
waiting is always the worst part.

Trying to convince my mind
that everything will be just fine
completely on the verge
of being gone.

Preparing myself
in every way
besides actually being prepared
for things
that happen
in life.

Finally the light shines down on me
I smooth out my shirt
take those first few steps
take a deep breath...

At that moment
when I come around to thinking
I can do this, it's not so bad...

I figure out
I didn't practice my lines
I don't even know what show I'm
supposed to be in.

These people expect something
There they wait, quiet, staring
some start laughing at my silence
because everyone should know what they are doing.

just how far is this all supposed to go
the best thing for me is to never let it cross my mind again
but yet it does
there it is
lingering
refusing to leave
I almost wish I knew what went through your mind
if you honestly forget or if you are really full of it
do you expect anything from me
there is simply nothing I can do
you have gone ahead and crossed the line
wasting every last bit of my time
you could have just kept pretending to pretend
I would have been fine
but you waited to use the fact that I never speak to you
as an excuse
to come back around
trying to apologize for something I don't even remember
super miniscule on the novel of things you have to apologize for
I wouldn't even care
but you are the worst at being the worst
you can't do anything right
please leave me alone
and continue doing absolutely nothing worthwhile with your time.

surrounded
enveloped
covered by you
always around
but wanting more
my passion has come back
you are my only inspiration
lying in wait
in the background
so patiently
I could never have asked for something so close to perfection
not knowing what I would do without you
now I have the reason
the motivation
the trust
the fire
it's all back
what I prided myself on
for being such the Virgo
the will to endlessly serve
to create
to love
is now engrained in my DNA
and is here to ******* stay.
<3

Never being able to sleep
always seems to be the theme of my life
the soundtrack so dramatic
action packed and inappropriate

However the reasons now have changed
my heart beating at a different pace
thinking I can finally answer
all the questions burning in my mind

Being the being I have always wanted to be
is fulfilling in so many countless ways
having lost so much time over chasing this concept
never expecting to actually capture it

Not endlessly striving for perfection
just wanted to be relatively understood
my thoughts always so busy in my before
with everything else in my now has been soothed

Feelings sometimes get the better of me
like the rug pulled from under me, caught unawares
the best I can do is follow the direction they lead
but this time the end result completely unknown

With complete anticipation
yearning, aching, and almost desperation
I take one tiny step forward
and, clumsy me, fall flat on my face

The difference is
as I lay with my inbetweens
I will forever always get up
never letting the fall get my very best

Not anymore.

A smile kisses my lips
as the darkness disappears
another endless night has faded
hours lost with lack of sleep
I tremble with anticipation
as my heart burns with inspiration
of so many others that have come before me
my skin humming with the beautiful notion
of their passion and devotion
my blood set ablaze
something is awakening within me
so far inside I had feared it was almost forgotten
but the dawn of each new day keeps trying to explain
all the many reasons I am here in the now
if you were to catch me in this fleeting quiet
there is nothing I would hide
I would bare all that lay inside
if you were to pay attention
this moment holds perfection
with its entirety of the unique
perched atop my hidden corner of my world
seeing nothing but knowing all
praying with the aching desire
to only keep getting higher and higher
to climb with worn hands
the rocky mountainside
to dance with bare feet
in the frisky river waters
with my days of sobbing on the bathroom floor
far enough behind me only to see a faint outline
tracing with my fingertips of aftershock
the bits of ridicule and criticism popping up
just as quickly fading to black
and instead of being riddled with tiny little holes
stealing that pain
making a statement
taking a stand
I notice all that has made and kept me strong
for so very long kept in the background
my heartbeats pounds with the bass boom boom
all of a sudden the syncopation hits the room
the terror comes in waves so strong
shivers send electric static currents up my spine
as if for one split second
not one atom around me is the same
almost dreamlike comes the realization
that I have always been
painting, writing, sculpting, singing, building

my very own reality........

I was led to believe that in life
whatever you have going for yourself
was meant to be broken
you can build and form the clay
but one day
it could all go to waste
when someone says hey
sorry, didn't see you there
after walking all over
what you spent so long creating
and slowly getting used to.

It took the nerve to finally run away
to take a step back from everything
I had ever known and loved in my life
to crash at the very rock bottom
to think it was over
only to have even bigger rocks
with even sharper edges
keep falling down
to never thinking it would end
to having it suddenly stop.

Since being caught
in the whirlwind of emotions and lies
always trying to believe the best in people
I now know I was right.

The ones I love
My real family
even though we don't share blood
I keep in my life
for a reason.

I will forever be in love with love
simply because.

This morning I woke up
The sun foreign to my eyes
Not wanting to fall into reality
Trying to sink back into
My deadly but sweet dreams.

I remember distinctly thinking
With a smile sneaking around
How grounded I am finally getting
How okay I am with just being
My moments are just that, mine.

For the first time in my life
Being alone doesn't feel lonely
There isn't someone that I need
I don't need someone I imagined either
I enjoy the quiet now, instead of being terrified.

I used to always try to make myself busy
Distractions from the noises in my head
Drive at full speed
Volume all the way up
Can't stop, keep going.

Ever moving, ever changing, ever loving.
But live for the moments
That hit your heart
In slow motion.
<3

How intriguing to comprehend
what causes the symptom of small butterflies
spinning around in dizzy circles
half asleep, lucid dreaming
dancing with smiles on their wings

Only ever an afterthought
When I think of everyone and everything altogether way too much
How did I push things so far
I guess I just see things so differently
I am so incredibly unable to show where I really come from
That I get left behind
Perhaps it is just meant to be
Why else would I get so used to
Being forever alone.

Something that has always been easy
For someone like me
It is always the hard way
I have to learn how to trust
how to relax
how to really smile

When good things happen
The back of my neck will get tight
I brace myself for the fall
Because being happy never
lasts for too long
The way I treat myself
Nothing is ever good enough

I have always known you can only be better
Your life is made of up moments to try harder
So I would always be searching, forever wandering
Not fully understanding
What I have been looking for
Has always been
Within me
Waiting

Hoping that the minute I stop wanting
With full realization
That everything I have to give
I deserve to give to myself
When my smile lacks
Based off what is missing
It gets easier to forget
How lucky I turned out to be
The entirety of what I need

The universe always listens.

Clear or cloudy days
The love for both is shared

The sun never unnoticed
Keeping me alive
Just a few steps behind

What I have always believed
It makes no difference
Where or who you happen to be
It always comes around to the simple idea

What questions your heart seeks
Will always be answered
In one way or perhaps another
If you take that chance and walk around those corners
You'll see this Earth has all kinds of different worlds.

so softly summoning
the undiscovered beauty
from underneath me

scared to believe
trembling with relief
with the belief

it can be
real.

Knowing that I
will only ever have time
to learn of the things
that I have always known.

It all fits together
all having pieces
to put together
a yin
to every yang

Since I have
noticed that
symmetry
I don't have to believe
I just feel.

All I know
You make me smile
Every once in a while
I wonder
If we can just make things simple.

Understanding the complexity
Having such sympathy
For all of the living
Is the only
Way to Be.

Words are a powerful thing.

oh no
here we go again
sand is getting in my hair
but I just can't seem to care
the fire crackles and pops
and the drinking just won't stop

so much drama
and fake laughter
I light the ***** on the end of the chains
I have always loved being surrounded by flame
the rush of adrenaline, the night that surrounds
the light that illuminates me, I can't hear anything but the sound

of the blaze, in my hazy daze, I count the ways
that my favorite element surprises me
it uses all the senses
claims no pretenses
but demands respect and understanding

as the third empty bottle falls
eventually nature will call
you see me sneak off to the cliff
come hold my hand and spark a spliff
the blend of getting so cross-faded
and memories get me quite jaded
your laugh brings me out of reality
and your sloppy smile so genuinely silly
tripping over our feet
the flowers smelling so sweet
we crash, embrace, and kiss
taken away from this moment
in our corner of bliss

flashbacks make me nervous
not daring to go further
knowing what is underneath the surface
lurking right around the corner

terrified of what my mind holds
about the secrets that I keep
about what thoughts could unfold
when my soul falls deeply into sleep

I am running out of distractions
finding the only way
to not feel insane
is to walk barefoot in the rain

circles of obsession
always coming back to you
so many nightmares in succession
what has my world come to?

we never were in love
how could we have been, really?
with no trust, respect or security
full of lust, but lacking peace or understanding

with all of everything that happened
just like a tornado
destroying everything in its path
and left with no where to go

I feel I should know better
most certainly by now
but something still keeps creeping up
those circles going around...

I wish I knew just what it was
that keeps on coming back
when there was nothing good you brought
your heart nothing but black

part of me will never be able to forget
not without lack of trying
you will always have that piece of me
that seems to be frozen in time

it is all I can do not to wake up screaming
have only ever been blinded by tears
telling myself nothing is what it seems
but still faced with the sheer fear of searing pain

I am careful with my movements
as to not rock the boat
as if I am still on water
as if I am still filled with hope

I would have never been able
to see things the way they are now
but at least I am finally stable
I always find a way somehow.

Looking out at all the choices that lay before me
Watching me with quiet eyes, they appear so peaceful
Knowing the moment I step forward that will all change
What once was picture perfect, now a mess of infinite crossroads
Difficulty lies in getting past my muddled thoughts, everything they are I can truly see
If I make the wrong choice it would be so easy to implode.

the lace feels like a waterfall
as it moves across my skin
I dig my fingers into the edge
hoping for something to grip onto
but I just keep sinking

I start to lose feeling in my toes
but I keep moving deeper
not caring one bit
about the biting cold
that I have long since grown used to

needing to be surrounded
by something other than emptiness
I shut out the endless quiet
with the pounding of my heart
and I lift up and let go

trying to quiet the whispers in my mind
cannot distinguish them from the night
if I said I was happy I would be lying
you want me to try hard, but I'm hardly trying
so many pieces of me scattered I have lost sight
you will find me wherever the dark lies

I am no longer what you think of as okay, just ask the sharp blade
the path you laid out for me I have long since strayed
digging myself deeper, all that is me will now fade
the pain only growing stronger, knowing who I have betrayed
knowing you don't know me, but the person I portray
it was all a big mistake, but I know you are afraid and I can't blame you

I'm driving myself crazy with all my hollow tendencies
trying to bury my rage, but I am just endlessly pretending
time is running out, leaving me restlessly pacing
counting down the minutes, I should die eventually  
that's what I find myself hoping for, it should make you smile especially
it doesn't matter, I never amounted to what you wanted me to be

you were always saying how that was all you wanted.
not to worry, when I go I will stay long gone.
whether I'm alive or dead you will forever be haunted.
and you have to live with what you did every waking dawn.
save for the nightmares, without you my life has been better than I had ever imagined.
without me you cry every time you hear that song.

falling asleep is a constant battle
I lose myself so strongly in remembering
that I forget to take a step back
the walls I've built are now a castle
the air so fresh I can finally breathe
my peace and serenity are a matter of fact

Muddled, confused, dark... its getting difficult to sleep
cracked, dried up and lost, the air blows away the dust that makes me
the chaos and destruction that lies within my mind
I sort out through the voices that tell me everything is fine
on my hands and knees I crawl through the smoke
I keep going even though I know life is just some big joke
with nobody on my side still I tremble on
finding no reason to keep living, most of my essence gone
as I take my last breath, just as I'm about to call it quits,
a flare of the brightest light bursts through all my ****** up ****
my instinct is to run, anything so bright usually burns
I never thought with even a flicker of recognition it could finally be my turn
the rock that falls off the cliff finds it hard to realize
where it's going until it gets there, but with time sees everything through new eyes
now that I have finally fallen, and the dust is settling,
the air around me lifts me higher, I cant imagine where it will bring me
Air is the answer, it makes even the smallest things take flight
to you I owe my everything, my heart, my soul, my life
my love in its most truest form, my strength, my power
even if we are both extremely raw, I'm ready to bloom until we flower