Shiloh

Shiloh Sep 2015

Victory.

Once again you have won.
Not my heart this time, but the sanctity of my soul.
I am my own enemy in my mind.
Easily bothered, can't be touched,
acting like I want to lash out at everyone...
This is ******.
I can clearly see, how I am supposed to be
the actual being inside that screams.
I knowingly know change is the only constant.
But I can't move, breathe or see things clearly.
My Self is forcing its own reflection.
It was easy to erase you from my life.
Ever since that moment, it's all been bright.
I can taste the edge of happiness,
I recognize the idea once again.
However the nightmares creep ever closer.
You seep into the cracks of my night.
I may have won by losing you.
But you have successfully destroyed who I want to be.

Shiloh Aug 2015

Janelle

she whispers to me, like it's a secret
but we both know that it's not
she hums with desire

the beauty in her black has long left me in awe
with so many wounds she finds the strength
to get up and smile through the beautiful days

she does it all so flawlessly, soaked with class
her laugh vibrates within me
I've longed to get in between her ripped up fishnets

there is no one on earth like her
with all the good lighting up her heart
it makes me realize this cant be the first time

we have wiggled in many lives
for souls like hers never die
she's my sister, all you other ******* ain't got ****.

she turns eighteen today, loving us in many ways
I hope she get's what I'm trying to say
in my sloppy, ragged poetic mind

she whispers to me, like it's a secret
but we both know that it's not
"I'm awesome." she says.

"I've always known." I whisper back.

Shiloh Jul 2015

Disconnect.

you say you feel disconnected
do you really wonder why?
all you talk about is what I owe you
I've had it with your filthy lies

so just in case you are left
with your ******* thumb up your ***
here is what went down:
to put it simply...

you helped me realize my dreams
only to dangle them in front of me
to have one up, to feel the bigger man
all you have actually gained is
fear and disrespect
I loathe you, never have I been able to
fully say that before
and mean it
all that's left behind your eyes
are those ******* dollar signs
the actions you take to
"get you back for all you have done to me"
far outweigh my consequences
your priorities are skewed
and who the hell are you
to condemn me to such darkness
you must have forgotten what it takes
to fully get me to that place
where I seek serenity
and fully trust a human being
driving at top speed
screaming you were going to **** me
telling me I deserve to go to jail
just to see how it felt
well
how do you feel?
knowing you have truly
severed this connection.

Shiloh Jun 2015

Hollow.

I think about it
but I can't move
I try to cry
but it's still too soon
the music has fallen flat
there are just too many things
I still can't get past
the room is spinning
I'm terrified to find
the only cure
will be escaping myself
but I can't be sure
you took everything
the start of the spark
that began in a pure place
deeply hidden from my heart
you kept taking
lying, demanding and stealing
it all kept adding up
to this horrible feeling
you kept pushing
so you came to understand
all that was left of me
was my blood on your hands
you changed all of the good times around
forced me to face your darkness
burning the love that remained
scarring the pain to my skin.

Because of you I trust no one.

healing process.

Shiloh Nov 2014

Shark.

Woke up in the middle of a loveless night
Carefully clutching what is left of faded memories
Terrified of what it means to know you
That if I do, or if I don't, I'm doomed either way

Consistently twisting the definition
Of what it feels like to be alive
Dropped into a musical daydream
My thoughts diminish, pouring out of my fingertips

I wish the rain would wash my hands away
Or drown me in my fears
My waves, my shark, my demons in the dark
The blue tide is pulling me under

I can't tell what is worse, the bite or the cold
If you would just hold me until the sun dies
Good times always had a heartbeat
If only you remembered...

You somehow managed
To be a chapter in my book
While I was simply
A sentence in yours.

inspired by Oh Wonder - Shark

Shiloh Nov 2014

Almost

We could have almost made it
if only this, if that, and the other thing
if it weren't for those reasons...

I could have been the one you needed
if it weren't for the fact that I needed
but we always come to this stalemate
because we come first in our own lives

I could be a happy person
if I didn't know you
if I could find a way
to never let you keep talking me back into

You could maybe be the one I need
if you weren't so busy
seeing in everyone else
what you alone provide

in your paranoia
you are blind to the facts
I have learned from my mistakes
while you are still living them

how can you claim you love me
when you are the first who told me
that it never matters
love is never enough

I wish I could wade through
everything you put on me
all of this is too sticky
and I am just sinking

I wish I could delete
the things you think about me
telling me I'm worthless
just because you can't have your way

the madness in your eyes
telling me all you want is more
of my pain, for your gain
your desire for me to expire

I wish I could rinse off
the bruises and scars on my skin
to wipe the slate clean
to become whole again

I wish I could forgive myself
but there are only so many times
you can keep making the same mistake
before it becomes a choice

well.... almost....

Shiloh Aug 2014

Popsicles and Cigarettes

Memories on Memorial day
can't take those away
although I wish I really could
all this time you had me fooled

Letting you lead the way
all you had to do was say
from the very fresh start
that you didn't have a heart

All those hippos in those crates
some might say that this was fate
you should really let them out
but I knew you wouldn't amount...

...to much.