i call them
friends
but if i was
a pill
they would swallow me
without a second thought

I love you
And you
And you

Find me in
the place where we began
Swirling
Breathing
In
Out

I’ll be waiting

so many pieces I’ve left behind
its hard to see the whole
  this ache is held in other hands
    you know how I feel

i understand
how goldfish feel

my thoughts are trapped
in the bowl of my brain

fairy boy is
nothing but the past now
I’m not even sure
what the color of his hair is
Or if his eyes are still blue
he’s not mine anymore
but I hope
his wings grow strong
I hope
He can carry himself
Far, far away

i don't remember the day you decided to leave
the pills were pink
this is the only thing I know for sure

the lampshade crashed to the floor
along with my tears

“It’s better if you go” he says

there on the carpet along with
Plastic and Salt
Is my bleeding heart

You told me you love me
You only want to protect me
But you don’t know
There’s nothing left of me

my baby
Smokes Marlboro red cigarettes
And sways happily to his favorite songs
He reads me poems about his anxiety
and reminds me that it's not my fault
when he kisses me the warmth inside him flows into my veins and thaws my frozen blood
I am lucky
To have met him at this time of my life
I know that god introduced him to me
So that I could clearly see and know the path I want to take in life
Without him
I would be dead in a few short years
and that was not gods plan for me

the pink in my cheeks
and the pink in my soul
has faded to blue

now the pills
are the only pink I see

and suddenly
it’s no longer my favorite color

when i wake up
the sun is in the sky
and i can hear the chickens

today is a new day
and i am excited

all the letters
and the phone calls
crying about
everything
yet nothing

because in the end
that was all we were-
nothing

half a white moon
take me
up up up
way into the sky
and while the view was nice
the darkness couldn't hide
and when i fell
down down down
I realized I wanted to see it again
a whole moon of magic
makes me see the backs of my eyes
heaven- was it near to me?
many moons make me
throw
up up up
help help help
I am falling too fast

No one is jealous of
Your secret ******* life

I don’t know

i dont want to wakeup
anymore
please just let me
sleep

dissolve disintegrate decay

i dont want to see the stars anymore
i just want to see the backs of my eyes
i just want to see the black eternal night

i love you and im sorry
but this is
goodbye

that night

we screamed and laughed
we kissed and fought

we trudged through slush and snow
we huddled in a tiny concrete basement

you barely smoked
you wanted to leave

i smoked a lot
i told you to stay

you dropped me off
you said I love you

i said goodbye
i said I love you

if

i had known
that was the last time

i would shut that old blue car door
i would not have gotten out.

hooded blue eyes
are the hardest to watch cry
but the absolute best to see smile

i love the way you laugh
even though we are apart
I know you admire the same stars
I am waiting for the day when
I can dye your hair soft pink
then it will match the color of our hearts

I was so baked
Sautéed
The tv
Rick and morty
She looked at me

You're the morty to my rick
I giggled
Unfocused green-brown eyes

Ashley!! You're the rick to my morty!

Mortynotrick?
Ricknotmorty!

when I see my mother's worried eyes
and I know that I let her down
I wish I could go back in time
and turn my life around

there is a magical man
who lives down the street
he has many names
and it would be rather unjust to refer to him by only one

somedays he sits in my brain and rearranges
it feels good to have my file cabinets emptied every
once in awhile

after he sits outside my window and watches and waits
for an invitation back in

the most peculiar thing is his appearance
he is lovely,
eyes of the darkest dead star
perfect white teeth behind blue lips

i couldn't help but wonder
what would become of a conversation with him
so i invited him to tea

since that day
we have come to know each other very well
his eyes are darker than they were before

probably because my light that shone upon them is dwindling
i am running out of time
i apologize, but it is time to see him again
and now my mind and i must go

purple tennis shoes
and
middle-part hair
makes her Jill

my dad is a wonderful man
he tells me stories about growing up poor
his mother
she was schizophrenic

he reminds me that it doesn't matter where you come from
it only matters where you go

at 1 am i wrote my mother's bike to Elliott
we met behind the elementary
in the grass with the mosquitoes
we had ugly, painful ***

when we were little we used to play here
in the grass, yoga and football
now we play a different game

instead of scraped knees
broken hearts

we were
powerful dangerous limitless
kids .

never content
eager wild electric  
hearts .

taking trips to
escape disappear melt
away.

**** the world
**** the warning signs

we were the kids who discovered
bliss

loving him was a new beginning
the happiness i longed for
the love i had always wanted
the highs i had never reached

losing touch with reality is bliss
but the sky slowly cracks with every
second you leave this earth

loving him taught me
how not to feel
and for a flicker of time in all of eternity

i thought i knew it all

but now my sky has fallen
waves of murky blue rage violently around me
and i reminise to when

i pretended the cracks weren't there
now i float on an endless sea

there are no cracks anymore
there is only nothing and me

so much love contained
within sad chocolate eyes
you never told anyone my secrets
you never left my side

happiness is two long floppy ears

i could have never asked
for a better best friend

or one with larger paws

I miss you in the yard
I miss the frenzied greetings
I miss tipped- over trash cans

but most of all

I will miss loving you
Lola
it was your sad face that made me so happy

Lola walks much slower now than she used to
Her round spotted paws seem as if they are made of lead
she no longer bays her soul out
And she seems to eat much less

But her tongue is still posey pink
And her ears are still as soft as cotton
sometimes you can see her powerful nose snuffling around, weary of some wild animal's scent

And while she is long past her prime,
in her soulful eyes you can see that the love she has for the world has not and will not grow old

I’m lonely for you
Her
Someone
Anyone

my friends
smoke cigarettes
constantly

they are looking for a stronger high
and that is all

but you

seemed to be looking for something else
and I think
you found it
when you met me

I think
I finally understand
Love

The fact is,
It's completely
unpredictable

I hold the cigarette to your lips
I love you
Is that why I feed you cancer?

sitting in the corner in
a big red chair
is a tired looking girl
with ***** brown hair

my little fairy boy
has light blue hair

when I run my fingers through it
I see his delicate pink scalp
and I admire what shields
the most beautiful mind I have ever seen

my mother
Has short brown hair that frizzes up in the heat
And warm brown eyes that inform
An eisteinian brain
She is beautiful
Inside and Out

my head feels
like a stomach of alcohol
bursting, sick, warm, dizzy
i can't steady
my train of thought
itisfallingoffthetracks
there's a fire in my head
and when I look in the mirror
there is blood running down my face from my eyes and
from my shorts
and suddenly my mind starts working again
remember? it whispers
yes i do

hi
my name is anna
and i am an addict

hello anna!

the sky is dark
but I know somewhere south
blue hair and blue eyes
look north to
brown hair and brown eyes
and inside of me I am filled with sun

i am sad
i say
but i don't need to
my eyes scream it
even if you
don't want
to hear

the television is a haze of
grey black white
and it's TOO ******* LOUD

oh.

how peculiar,
the tv wasn't plugged in the
whole
****
time

must be the silence screaming
again
must be the hallucinations
again

i long for tranquility

I used to believe
he had eyes the color of the ocean

I’m not so sure about that today

but I know his heart
is the color of the bottom of the deepest sea

many boys have touched me
and made me moan
but only one
has made my heart sing

I heard our song today on the radio
the one we blared together in the car
while having ***
through the chaos of our poisoned "love" affair in the late hours of the night

and for the first time
my heart wasn't heavy
no tears came to my eyes

just a quiet nogstalgia

and I am so happy
that you are gone

but I am elated
that the feelings have finally passed too

rob has
soft hands and a soft heart
not to mention
a lovely soul

I can see into it
through his hooded blue eyes

After the first glimpse I had of paradise
I never want to look away again

the clock in my heart
has only been ticking
for seventeen years
so why
do i feel it slow
and its gears grind painfully
to a halt

a pink jacket that
came from pink cheeks
the day you had the pink above your eyes
i became infatuated with the color

i see pink in the darkest of things
i see it in my dreams
and when i close my eyes it's no longer darkness
but a pink warmth
it makes me calm and tranquil

i used to take pink pills
to give me the same feeling

now i just want to see
the pink of your cheeks
and
the pink in your heart
and
the pink in your soul

my body is sitting in an old storage closet
my brain is floating somewhere in space
my heart is still with you

veins underneath your skin
dark purple life spidering out to the edges
soft green borders that meet perfectly
to form a teardrop
pink and yellow blooms across your face

hello friend

my little fairy boy
sits at a marble table
he has a book to guide him
and help him overcome his disease
along with a notebook
filled with worries, passions, and dreams

my little fairy boy
is still wearing his pink dress
his sky blue hair
matches his eyes

everyday my little fairy boy grows stronger
instead of putting pills in his mouth, he draws my lips to his

and I know the high is much, much sweeter