dark rooms lead to
darker thoughts
i keep waiting for the sunrise
but it never comes

brown eyes and
slender thighs
used to belong to
me

i can't remember
when or why but
i gave them away for
free

i love you
           read at 1:47 a.m.

I met you and it was like
two stars colliding
beautiful but dangerous
you melted into my core and we
dissolved
into something new

it only lasted for a minute
and before I could love what we had become
our light winked twice and faded into black

but i swear that minute with you was a whole lifetime

never tell me
those bats and blue badges
have the right to judge
you say
his tattoos
his hair
his what?
skin
look around
we're tired of the
same old story
white cop black man
we can't ******* breathe
how much is a black man's soul worth?
he's twenty years old but
he's a drug addict
he's a gang member
he's black
look me in the eye
tell me it wouldn't be different if he was white
"he's so young he's only 20"
"he got caught up with the wrong people"
might as well say "he's white"

the bottle seemed ordinary enough
plastic, white, innocent

but I when I looked away
I could hear its contents whispering

softly at first

wewouldloveforyoutodrinkus
pleaseanna?weknowyouneedus

my eyes bored harder into my hands
why are they shaking

they heard us
Louder this time

Youstupidfuckingwhoreyouknowyouneedusyoucantignoreusforever­

A single drop of weakness falls into my palm

They scream like the tourted souls in hell

now!youresofuckingweakyouresofuckingstupidyouneedusandyoukn­owityoureadissappointmentyourenothingyouleteveryonedownyouruinede­verythingyoudontbelonginyourfamily

Finally my wet eyes meet the bottle

I read as if I didn't already know
Liquid Morphine

The voices become a single whisper

youdeservedwhathedidtoyou

Suddenly everything is clear

DrinkMe
Commands the voices

I obey


if only I was in wonderland

a curly-headed boy
has a padlock around his neck
but he threw away the key

a brown haired girl
has ocean-blue eyes
and i know she is the only one who could find it

my little fairy boy
is tired today
the blue in his hair is crying
and his pink dress is a little more tattered
than when he begun
but his head is clear
and his wings are strong

this time there is no maybe
he will carry me far, far away

nothing to do
and
nothing to think
but there's something
missing
whatisitwhatisitwhatisit
i don't ******* know!

Before

You used to look at me with this goofy grin
**** em! You’d scream at the top of your lungs

We drove through the ice and rain
broken windshield wipers
Heads stuck out the windows
I have never laughed so hard

I looked at you
my best friend
The rick to my morty
The **** to my pipe

After

i don’t know what your smile looks like
Your words are strange and unfamiliar

You laid in the bed, blue eyes closed, entangled in tubes
Pink stuffed animal unicorn
Heads almost touching but not quite
I have never cried so hard

I no longer look at you
i don’t know
Stranger
Someone I used to know

she's back
pale sky eyes
hay bale hair

i love her

im dreaming of you
i wonder if
you're thinking of me too
i meant it when i said
im sorry
and i meant it when i said
i love you
you're always there but
you're afraid of me
i wish you could see
the change in me

maybe in another life
i'll see your eyes
and we can try again

baby
i can't do this anymore
i love you but
i have to go

everyday i fade
a little more
until
one day
im completely gone

right now, things are
O.K.

butiamwaitingforitalltoburn

i see sparks in your eyes
when you light up another cigarette

our souls are on a teeter-totter and

they might
just
fall
off

that night at the building
i drank an entire bottle of strawberry ***
every drop burned my throat

it was disgusting

that night in the building
i took 14 oxycodone pills
it was hard to stand up

it was sad

that night in the building
i asked you why i wasn't enough
i asked you why you wanted her too

you told me you hadn't had *** with her
you saw what the pictures did to me
and after

you had *** with her

forgive and forget
not this time

the ceiling at night
the backs of my eyelids
death
are the same color

i am tired of staring up at nothing
thinking about everything

i am tired of waking up to
the lie that I am and will always be

i am so tired
please let me fall down, down, down
and never wake up

my pillow still smells like smoke
it reminds me of those nights in my bed
your head between my legs
and paradise all around us

on a cold cloudy day
I sit and smoke cigarettes,
thinking about your eyes

when you left the color
of your irises consumed
my world and now
all I see is blue

bumble bee boy
Found me in the weeds
Stuck underneath
The spikey leaves
He hummed
Telling me that I didn’t belong there
You are a rose he said
They saw your thorns
And thought you were one of them
He picked me up
Young wings and summer air
we flew under the apple tree
In my parents yard
He touched my petals
And told me
You are the most beautiful rose of them all
And for some reason
I believe him

I love you Christian. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. You are my baby bumblebee.

I used to hear
Congratulations!
I’m so excited for you!
You have so much potential, I’m sure you’ll
Do.  Just.  Fine.

but they’re all quiet now
Because they realized they were wrong all along

california eyes
I love the color blue

bring me the horizon
and i'll bring you the moon

my life was
one of the many
candles
in a witch's lair
you snuffed out my steady flame
I am grey and quickly fading
drifting away even in still air
only a whisper of what I used to be

sometimes the past comes
Back in pixels
I see them fly by
And arrange them
As fast as I can

But the picture is always
Different
Now
Miserable
I was but floating on
Stars in my eyes
Flying
Couldn’t feel a thing

And now I’m down below
In the dirt writhing

I eat the dirt and **** it back out
I am alive

going away
to a place where
no one is home
sit on the windowsill
thinking about
times long ago
chains on my hands and feet
never free never happy
stuck in this prison of existence

last night I saw you again for the first time
blonde hair

last time I saw you
unconscious in a hospital bed

I know you don't want me in your life now
but God
i wish you were still in mine

fairy boy's hair
has faded to white
my cigarette ****
flies out the cracked window

along with the blue dye
some evidence of
what once was still remains

it is a quiet acknowledgement
of the passing of time

in chemistry
pure substances are not perfect
a silver coin is only .99999
but it still smiles with glossy shine
and there are no exceptions

in love
people are not perfect
but you are the only exception
your teeth are clean despite the cigarettes
and my heart is 1.0

cigarettes and roses
flick your ash into my eye
burn away the pain
of never seeing you again

i had to take off the pink jacket
to smoke my cigarette and as i
took off my safety net
i filled my lungs with what i knew
was a detriment to the length of my life
yet all
i could think about is
how long i wanted to live with you
how ironic

as i watched you unstrip
i saw for the first time
a body i wanted
lastly for lust
i could not get close enough
to you even if i were
inside you
i was inside you and
i wanted closer
i wanted to rip through
your skin and get
straight to your soul
i wanted our innermost beings
to be clashing with
each other in intimate
yet rough ways

white sticky substance
that takes you so high up

you can see everything from above
except how far you'll fall

dusty white bars rule my life
i am a simple peasant
who was destined
to be a great and beautiful queen
to touch a rose bud and watch it bloom into
a red found only in the purest of hearts

a few months ago i saw some of my blood
oozing out of the imperfect forearm of a fallen royal

harsh lines of magical evil
talk to me as the days melt away
the screams are so loud now that

i live in the void
here there is nothing

i once had a crown
waiting for me
a glimpse of otherworldy sunshine

but tonight the sky is black
i am starting to think my blood is too
soon i will peel back my skin and see

i am home again
at eighteen(failure)

when i look in the mirror
i can't decide who it is
i'm looking at

and for the first time
it's okay
not to know

i am home again
at eighteen (hopeful)

when i look in the mirror
i see
whoever i want to be

I’m so lost in this melted wax
Dripping down the sides of me burning me
Hurting me
You hurt me
But I still ******* love you
Maybe one day I’ll find a reason to live
A way to understand the butterflies of life
All I know is in the end I hope I fly far away
To a place where happiness exists
Amen

a red joker in the window
a black one too!
life is a laugh
but at night the white walls bleed
when the circus came to town
the clown killed the curly-haired boy
but left the slutty girl stranded
he shut the door in her face
but what he didn't know
is that locked doors don't stop demons

i wonder when
things went wrong
i think it was when the forbidden fruit
slid down my throat
along with your sins

i used to stare at the ceiling all night
the darkness never bothered me
after all,
he was my only friend

when i slid razor blades against my
hips
wrists
throat

he was the only one who saw
and he kept my every secret

some people say he is a monster
a deceiver, and a liar

but I disagree

darkness covered me
he smothered my cries in an inescapable embrace

when i woke up on the floor
gasping
the belt around my neck
snapped in half

i knew he must have cut it
after all,

he was the only one there

no
I will not
take pills
smoke ****
give my body away

yes
I will
take three
inhale a plastered smile
let him feel inside me

i'm not so sad anymore
but the pain is still there
kinda feels like there's water in my lungs

I watch the headlights go by and think about nights
a long time ago

took too many trips so now whole world spins


feels weird to say goodbye to the only life i've ever known
lay my youth down to rest along with the pills

left the spray paint in the back of my car and drove off a cliff

went to the ocean for a few days and never really came back
left a piece of my heart to drown

can't see the stars out of this window, still hoping I can get a wish soon

find a home in a strange place
never speak above a whisper so no one can find me

wish I could say you loved me but i'm not so sure these days

memories taste like newports

pollute my head, stuck in a haze, rainy days are never enough

once you know demons are real you can't stop seeing them

wish she'd leave me alone
just wanna be me

landon cube on the stereo got my head in the clouds
thinkin about her eyes wish I never fell in love with Judas

got a glass heart but I still haven't glued it back together cause
I lost a couple shards along the way

diet coke dreams still haunt me

Worms for dinner ! Worms for lunch
Worms wriggle in my red fruit punch

i wonder if
you ever think of me
kissing you
and wake up to reality
to remember
it was just a
dream

sick
transparent
slipping into the void

tell me the most lovely sky
is over my head tonight

when I was younger I remember
The feeling that I needed to cease existing
I would hide in the alcove of my sisters room
And hold my breathe as long as I could

the absence of you
hits like ecstasy

in the lake of my tar-black pupils
you can see the regret

my teeth chatter loudly
but you can still hear the sound of goodbye

right before the crash

the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen
often hid behind wrinkled bags of skin
they belonged to my darling Elva
who loved flowers and family
in her disease, she was always concerned about the well being of her garden
sometimes, she cried out for her mother
she was eighty seven

and although she is gone
when I look up at the summer sky
I can see the color of her irises and
I know she is up there in her garden
and I can imagine her mother is too

I see you in the cracks of a sidewalk
Fighting to live and breathe
In a world of concrete

I see you in my car window
Half way down on the interstate
Blowing whooshing into my lungs

I see you in my reflection
Staring through eyes
That I don’t recognize anymore

my little fairy boy
wears dangly gold earrings
and has hooded blue eyes that peer into mine with curiosity and wonder

my little fairy boy
has a pink dress that smiles at everyone he passes
and nimble fingers that entertwine perfectly with mine

my little fairy boy
wears my heart on a chain around his neck
and has soft white wings that only I can see

maybe tonight he will carry me far, far away

when I met you
I was climbing up to see what I could see
There were trees all around me so I
Had to follow the sun streaming through
I got to the top and I found there was nothing there I wanted
So I started back down and on the way
I tripped and fell into you
Again
Now I’m falling

no matter which direction I take
I feel it is never the right one
my family is never happy with my choices
and if they are, then I am not
they claim support
but I am met with downcast faces
and words of frustration
I just ask to cry alone
It hurts me when they watch me cry
I wish I made my family proud
they would talk to me with smiles
and brag to their friends about my success
but instead I am a worry
nothing but a concern
I feel so alone in my own family

Let me kiss your
Lips
I breathe you in
Exhale
Euphoria floods my
Fingertips