the absence of you
hits like ecstasy

in the lake of my tar-black pupils
you can see the regret

my teeth chatter loudly
but you can still hear the sound of goodbye

right before the crash

dark rooms lead to
darker thoughts
i keep waiting for the sunrise
but it never comes

my stomach hurts
the music is from freshman year

everything ******* hurts
the floors have dust on them

sorry i am bad at poems
there's just really a whole lot
of nothing in my
life right now

I used to believe
he had eyes the color of the ocean

I’m not so sure about that today

but I know his heart
is the color of the bottom of the deepest sea

everyday is the same
but
inside me a
rose is blooming

they whisper
whathappenswhenitdies?

they forgot that
dried petals
are beautiful as well

fairy boy is
nothing but the past now
I’m not even sure
what the color of his hair is
Or if his eyes are still blue
he’s not mine anymore
but I hope
his wings grow strong
I hope
He can carry himself
Far, far away

I used to hear
Congratulations!
I’m so excited for you!
You have so much potential, I’m sure you’ll
Do.  Just.  Fine.

but they’re all quiet now
Because they realized they were wrong all along

my hair is ******* blue
And PlaStic
just like my ******* heart

when you were younger i used to
watch your every move

once
i saw you lock yourself in the bathroom
when the doctor ordered you to stop running

they gave you crutches


when i reflect on my life

i see a similar story

when the principal told me
you can't run

i was lucky enough to have you and the whole family

this time things were a little more serious then shin splints

thank you for being my crutch

and thank you for pushing
my wheelchair

when i could no longer walk



i love you,
        Anna

i love you
           read at 1:47 a.m.

the television is a haze of
grey black white
and it's TOO ******* LOUD

oh.

how peculiar,
the tv wasn't plugged in the
whole
****
time

must be the silence screaming
again
must be the hallucinations
again

i long for tranquility

brown eyes and
slender thighs
used to belong to
me

i can't remember
when or why but
i gave them away for
free

all the letters
and the phone calls
crying about
everything
yet nothing

because in the end
that was all we were-
nothing

nothing to do
and
nothing to think
but there's something
missing
whatisitwhatisitwhatisit
i don't ******* know!

i am home again
at eighteen(failure)

when i look in the mirror
i can't decide who it is
i'm looking at

and for the first time
it's okay
not to know

i am home again
at eighteen (hopeful)

when i look in the mirror
i see
whoever i want to be

the ceiling at night
the backs of my eyelids
death
are the same color

i am tired of staring up at nothing
thinking about everything

i am tired of waking up to
the lie that I am and will always be

i am so tired
please let me fall down, down, down
and never wake up

the lampshade crashed to the floor
along with my tears

“It’s better if you go” he says

there on the carpet along with
Plastic and Salt
Is my bleeding heart

the pink in my cheeks
and the pink in my soul
has faded to blue

now the pills
are the only pink I see

and suddenly
it’s no longer my favorite color

soft pink
daisy yellow
sky blue
lillypad green
cloud white

pills

my life
his life

filled with beautiful pastels
we even see them in our nightmares

hi
my name is anna
and i am an addict

hello anna!

i call them
friends
but if i was
a pill
they would swallow me
without a second thought

right now, things are
O.K.

butiamwaitingforitalltoburn

i see sparks in your eyes
when you light up another cigarette

our souls are on a teeter-totter and

they might
just
fall
off

i am sad
i say
but i don't need to
my eyes scream it
even if you
don't want
to hear

fairy boy's hair
has faded to white
my cigarette ****
flies out the cracked window

along with the blue dye
some evidence of
what once was still remains

it is a quiet acknowledgement
of the passing of time

why am i always
so ******* tired

no matter how much i sleep

why do i scream at my mother
get out
when she only wants to give me her love

i am sick


and in my brain
there lives a dark and cunning monster
who has the prettiest face
i have ever seen

for some reason
i think this is why

a curly-headed boy
has a padlock around his neck
but he threw away the key

a brown haired girl
has ocean-blue eyes
and i know she is the only one who could find it

a pink jacket that
came from pink cheeks
the day you had the pink above your eyes
i became infatuated with the color

i see pink in the darkest of things
i see it in my dreams
and when i close my eyes it's no longer darkness
but a pink warmth
it makes me calm and tranquil

i used to take pink pills
to give me the same feeling

now i just want to see
the pink of your cheeks
and
the pink in your heart
and
the pink in your soul

as i watched you unstrip
i saw for the first time
a body i wanted
lastly for lust
i could not get close enough
to you even if i were
inside you
i was inside you and
i wanted closer
i wanted to rip through
your skin and get
straight to your soul
i wanted our innermost beings
to be clashing with
each other in intimate
yet rough ways

i had to take off the pink jacket
to smoke my cigarette and as i
took off my safety net
i filled my lungs with what i knew
was a detriment to the length of my life
yet all
i could think about is
how long i wanted to live with you
how ironic

saturday
fairy boy comes home
but this time
he won't be seeing me

because there are things to be done
and people to be seen
and i am not one of them

my mother
Has short brown hair that frizzes up in the heat
And warm brown eyes that inform
An eisteinian brain
She is beautiful
Inside and Out

my head feels
like a stomach of alcohol
bursting, sick, warm, dizzy
i can't steady
my train of thought
itisfallingoffthetracks
there's a fire in my head
and when I look in the mirror
there is blood running down my face from my eyes and
from my shorts
and suddenly my mind starts working again
remember? it whispers
yes i do

there is a place
where lost hearts
can go
songs are sung
and we reminisce
the highs and the lows

there was a time
when my heart lived there
the sun never shined
and I never cared

when I found your eyes
I knew that we were saved
and after some time,
my heart left the cave

my little fairy boy
is tired today
the blue in his hair is crying
and his pink dress is a little more tattered
than when he begun
but his head is clear
and his wings are strong

this time there is no maybe
he will carry me far, far away

i wonder when
things went wrong
i think it was when the forbidden fruit
slid down my throat
along with your sins

sitting in the corner in
a big red chair
is a tired looking girl
with ***** brown hair

the clock in my heart
has only been ticking
for seventeen years
so why
do i feel it slow
and its gears grind painfully
to a halt

purple tennis shoes
and
middle-part hair
makes her Jill

I hear in
Your voice
The hum of
A busy bustling bumble bee but
More like
Salty seaweed sandy ocean spray
and
hellgirl
Loves her
Fairy boy

my friends
smoke cigarettes
constantly

they are looking for a stronger high
and that is all

but you

seemed to be looking for something else
and I think
you found it
when you met me

when i wake up
the sun is in the sky
and i can hear the chickens

today is a new day
and i am excited

i used to stare at the ceiling all night
the darkness never bothered me
after all,
he was my only friend

when i slid razor blades against my
hips
wrists
throat

he was the only one who saw
and he kept my every secret

some people say he is a monster
a deceiver, and a liar

but I disagree

darkness covered me
he smothered my cries in an inescapable embrace

when i woke up on the floor
gasping
the belt around my neck
snapped in half

i knew he must have cut it
after all,

he was the only one there

my socks are thin, glittery, and
pink
i love them because
they look like your
cheeks
and hopefully
they will soon
resemble your
hair
as well

i write it out on paper
But it's not
Okay
I call I call I call
But there is no answer

I am waiting for the day
I lose myself
Completely

I know it's coming
It looms over my shoulder
Whispering ***** sins into my ears
telling me that
I am worthless

I wish you would pick up the phone
I wish I wasn't a drug addict
I wish I wasn't a ****** person

I need peace
where is my mind?

his hands were touching me so
softly
and somehow my lips
touched his
and his hands were down my pants
and his teeth were on my neck
and my moans were in his ear

but I knew he wasn't
you

rob has
soft hands and a soft heart
not to mention
a lovely soul

I can see into it
through his hooded blue eyes

After the first glimpse I had of paradise
I never want to look away again

I heard our song today on the radio
the one we blared together in the car
while having ***
through the chaos of our poisoned "love" affair in the late hours of the night

and for the first time
my heart wasn't heavy
no tears came to my eyes

just a quiet nogstalgia

and I am so happy
that you are gone

but I am elated
that the feelings have finally passed too

I look at her
And I worry
I have always been a sorry replacement
I hope this time
Things are different

i remember
the first time you slid your thumbs
down the waistband of my pants
and pulled them off

most boys who do this
have a grin on their face

but not you

your lips were pursed
and your brows furrowed
but your eyes were filled with love

and suddenly i knew what we had was real

i love the way you laugh
even though we are apart
I know you admire the same stars
I am waiting for the day when
I can dye your hair soft pink
then it will match the color of our hearts