i am trying
to feel alive
but it is hard to get out of bed
my hair is getting greasy
and my stomach is growling

youneedtosleep

it whispers
I cannot help but agree

who is god
*God?

in chemistry
pure substances are not perfect
a silver coin is only .99999
but it still smiles with glossy shine
and there are no exceptions

in love
people are not perfect
but you are the only exception
your teeth are clean despite the cigarettes
and my heart is 1.0

my friends used to tell me
everything will be okay
things will get better
I promise

for the longest time
things got worse
my cuts got deeper
the drugs got harder

but today is a new day
it is my first day of college
and although I am scared
I know that everything will be okay

the thoughts in my brain
talk so violently!
they naw and hiss and claw

my skinny knees
shake so violently!
until they collaspe from under me

two small hands
shudder so violently!
as the razor screams into my wrist

no matter which direction I take
I feel it is never the right one
my family is never happy with my choices
and if they are, then I am not
they claim support
but I am met with downcast faces
and words of frustration
I just ask to cry alone
It hurts me when they watch me cry
I wish I made my family proud
they would talk to me with smiles
and brag to their friends about my success
but instead I am a worry
nothing but a concern
I feel so alone in my own family

my little fairy boy
sits at a marble table
he has a book to guide him
and help him overcome his disease
along with a notebook
filled with worries, passions, and dreams

my little fairy boy
is still wearing his pink dress
his sky blue hair
matches his eyes

everyday my little fairy boy grows stronger
instead of putting pills in his mouth, he draws my lips to his

and I know the high is much, much sweeter

my baby
Smokes Marlboro red cigarettes
And sways happily to his favorite songs
He reads me poems about his anxiety
and reminds me that it's not my fault
when he kisses me the warmth inside him flows into my veins and thaws my frozen blood
I am lucky
To have met him at this time of my life
I know that god introduced him to me
So that I could clearly see and know the path I want to take in life
Without him
I would be dead in a few short years
and that was not gods plan for me

why does my body ache when I lay down after walking up the stairs

why am I still laying in bed? It's 12:23

why can't I hold eye contact with my mom, she is so kind

many boys have touched me
and made me moan
but only one
has made my heart sing

my pillow still smells like smoke
it reminds me of those nights in my bed
your head between my legs
and paradise all around us

I think
I finally understand
Love

The fact is,
It's completely
unpredictable

i understand
how goldfish feel

my thoughts are trapped
in the bowl of my brain

my mind is a sick old man
he vomits evil thoughts
yourparentshateyou

and pumps malice like blood through my veins
slityourwrists
Itswhatyoudeserve

he whispers my dirtiest sins into my ears
as if I had forgotten them
youreadrugaddict

when I try to sleep
he reminds me that I am a filthy *****
doyourealizehowsluttyyouare
thinkaboutalltheguysyouvefucked­
youregoingtohell

He snickers at my doubts
hedoesntloveyoustupidbitchyourejustsomethingtofuck

but everyday he grows older and more frail
and one of these days, death will come to him
and I will finally be free

when I see my mother's worried eyes
and I know that I let her down
I wish I could go back in time
and turn my life around

the sky is dark
but I know somewhere south
blue hair and blue eyes
look north to
brown hair and brown eyes
and inside of me I am filled with sun

i don't remember the day you decided to leave
the pills were pink
this is the only thing I know for sure

the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen
often hid behind wrinkled bags of skin
they belonged to my darling Elva
who loved flowers and family
in her disease, she was always concerned about the well being of her garden
sometimes, she cried out for her mother
she was eighty seven

and although she is gone
when I look up at the summer sky
I can see the color of her irises and
I know she is up there in her garden
and I can imagine her mother is too

fat yellow hens are the best chickens
in the whole world
I had one once, and her name was Buffy
to this day, I know she was a drop of sun
Her only wish, to warm the hearts of those around her

in my backyard there is an old red chicken coop
the doors swing sluggishly and the hinges groan in the wind
inside, two homemade nesting boxes sit crudely  nailed to the wall
only the roost stands tall and proud, like the generations of roosters who stood on it in the days of my youth

Lola walks much slower now than she used to
Her round spotted paws seem as if they are made of lead
she no longer bays her soul out
And she seems to eat much less

But her tongue is still posey pink
And her ears are still as soft as cotton
sometimes you can see her powerful nose snuffling around, weary of some wild animal's scent

And while she is long past her prime,
in her soulful eyes you can see that the love she has for the world has not and will not grow old

my little fairy boy
wears dangly gold earrings
and has hooded blue eyes that peer into mine with curiosity and wonder

my little fairy boy
has a pink dress that smiles at everyone he passes
and nimble fingers that entertwine perfectly with mine

my little fairy boy
wears my heart on a chain around his neck
and has soft white wings that only I can see

maybe tonight he will carry me far, far away

my little fairy boy
has light blue hair

when I run my fingers through it
I see his delicate pink scalp
and I admire what shields
the most beautiful mind I have ever seen

I flush myself down the toilet
Into the murky waters of the sewers
I let the rats naw on me and the insects crawl
into my ears
I will just pretend it is not happening
there is no light here to shine on my grave

no
I will not
take pills
smoke ****
give my body away

yes
I will
take three
inhale a plastered smile
let him feel inside me

I wake up and he's stealing my innocence

he hurts me he hurts me he hurts me
let me ******* pretty doll he whispers

I try to speak but my tongue is broken
Icantpleaseiveneverdonethisstop

He smiles

I open my mouth to scream but it doesn't matter
His hand clamps down on me  
There is no point
No one will hear
no one ever listens to me anyways

i can't tell whether the wetness on my face is from my own tears or from his open mouth

he puts something else in my mouth  andIcan'tfuckingbreathe
godpleasehelpme
and suddenly everything is black

when I wake up again there is something in my mouth and in my eyes and on my face and in my hair and in my brain and in my soul and in my bones and I throw up his putrid sins all over my body



I look down and there is poisonous snow and blood between my legs

i am a china doll shattered below the waist
but my dress covers my brokenness
and it's a **** good thing I have a smile painted on my face

the bottle seemed ordinary enough
plastic, white, innocent

but I when I looked away
I could hear its contents whispering

softly at first

wewouldloveforyoutodrinkus
pleaseanna?weknowyouneedus

my eyes bored harder into my hands
why are they shaking

they heard us
Louder this time

Youstupidfuckingwhoreyouknowyouneedusyoucantignoreusforever­

A single drop of weakness falls into my palm

They scream like the tourted souls in hell

now!youresofuckingweakyouresofuckingstupidyouneedusandyoukn­owityoureadissappointmentyourenothingyouleteveryonedownyouruinede­verythingyoudontbelonginyourfamily

Finally my wet eyes meet the bottle

I read as if I didn't already know
Liquid Morphine

The voices become a single whisper

youdeservedwhathedidtoyou

Suddenly everything is clear

DrinkMe
Commands the voices

I obey


if only I was in wonderland

I hold the cigarette to your lips
I love you
Is that why I feed you cancer?

the remote came crashing off my dresser
at the same time that my head bounced of the wall and landed in the fish tank

but it's okay because
this way no one will know I'm crying

hooded blue eyes
are the hardest to watch cry
but the absolute best to see smile

you're the single angel in a demension of demons

see what the **** I love the **** outta you

awh Robbie

i wanna put my head under one of these plane tires and fall asleep

my body is sitting in an old storage closet
my brain is floating somewhere in space
my heart is still with you

you can do it! says my mom

you need to stop! says my brain

you have to take me! says my pills

she's back
pale sky eyes
hay bale hair

i love her

i don't know what i want

he says

i'm not well enough for a relationship

he says

but when his hand is down my pants suddenly he knows exactly what he wants

last night I saw you again for the first time
blonde hair

last time I saw you
unconscious in a hospital bed

I know you don't want me in your life now
but God
i wish you were still in mine

I was so baked
Sautéed
The tv
Rick and morty
She looked at me

You're the morty to my rick
I giggled
Unfocused green-brown eyes

Ashley!! You're the rick to my morty!

Mortynotrick?
Ricknotmorty!

i asked him to hold the lighter

i n h a l e
exhale

i coughed until I puked

that night at the building
i drank an entire bottle of strawberry ***
every drop burned my throat

it was disgusting

that night in the building
i took 14 oxycodone pills
it was hard to stand up

it was sad

that night in the building
i asked you why i wasn't enough
i asked you why you wanted her too

you told me you hadn't had *** with her
you saw what the pictures did to me
and after

you had *** with her

forgive and forget
not this time

my dad is a wonderful man
he tells me stories about growing up poor
his mother
she was schizophrenic

he reminds me that it doesn't matter where you come from
it only matters where you go

at 1 am i wrote my mother's bike to Elliott
we met behind the elementary
in the grass with the mosquitoes
we had ugly, painful ***

when we were little we used to play here
in the grass, yoga and football
now we play a different game

instead of scraped knees
broken hearts

Before

You used to look at me with this goofy grin
**** em! You’d scream at the top of your lungs

We drove through the ice and rain
broken windshield wipers
Heads stuck out the windows
I have never laughed so hard

I looked at you
my best friend
The rick to my morty
The **** to my pipe

After

i don’t know what your smile looks like
Your words are strange and unfamiliar

You laid in the bed, blue eyes closed, entangled in tubes
Pink stuffed animal unicorn
Heads almost touching but not quite
I have never cried so hard

I no longer look at you
i don’t know
Stranger
Someone I used to know

we downed half the bottle of blue poison in my bathroom

uncontrollable laughter

so this is why people drink

blissful stupidity

that night

we screamed and laughed
we kissed and fought

we trudged through slush and snow
we huddled in a tiny concrete basement

you barely smoked
you wanted to leave

i smoked a lot
i told you to stay

you dropped me off
you said I love you

i said goodbye
i said I love you

if

i had known
that was the last time

i would shut that old blue car door
i would not have gotten out.

i look in the mirror
who is that?

in the cabinet there was a bottle
inside were mysteries
white like the moon
round like her cheeks

no one knows why she opened it
no one knows why she crushed them
no one knows why she inhaled
not even her

do you want to waste some time
she asked

in a snow-white palm she held out
five pink pills

i smiled