Friday
spent between bent knees
consuming the evening sun,
whiskey,
and burning skin among the bursting bubbles

Saturday
spent behind locked doors
consuming the razor blades,
40s of *****
and the pounding and pleading of them

Sunday
blurred
once in warm arms
then on a cold floor
consuming bottle after bottle
more whiskey
and charcoal

we bleed
but nobody sees this
our blood is invisible
our scars go deep
but fail to surface
and attract attention
in the media
we bleed
and try to stop it
with pale green bandages
of soothing sedation
in piles of junk
impulse purchases
we bleed
and our wounds overflow
with trash
in our collective conscience
and cause clots
seisures
and re-loads
we bleed
but we refuse to die

I cut myself
to see the blood
the contrast of red to the white
surface
to check
if there is still a heart beating
underneath the smooth
finish

I cut my children
but they don't notice
it is more like mental cropping.
I cut emotions
into bitesize portions
they can play with
and learn to become good
cutters themselves

My husband is a cutter too
he cuts attention
into little appetizers of affection
and serves it around
wearing a big generous smile
the biggest pieces are reserved
for the screen
and the xbox controller

I cut myself open
online
words gush out of the open wound
luring predators to feed
on dangerous conversations
inviting the Devil to join
as I don't trust the angels
who once lured me into this...

I can never find anything to do anymore
I am ALWAYS bored
I drink another soda as fast as I can
Boring
I smoke another cigarette as fast as I can
Boring and bad for my health

I used to drink and do drugs
It caused a lot of problems but I had fun
At least then I had something to do
At least then I could make myself stupid
Do stupid things with an excuse
At least then I could be interested in menial things


The most interesting thing I did today was take a shower
I was actually kind of happy standing there under the water
But only an idiot would stand in the shower all day
I could take up *******
That might be fun
I could do that in the shower

I rarely smile anymore without faking it
I smile when I see a small child smile
But I don't have children around me that often
and when I do, they are not always smiling
Often they are screaming
Screaming children are not fun

Some people seem like they are happy all the time
How do they do it?
Is it because they are stupid?
I like to think so
I like to think that I am the norm
Nobody should be happy too often

I just want to be happy a little bit
Find a few things to do that don't bore me to death
I wanna be interested in life
I want to have a reason to go to bed early
I want to have a reason to wake up
I want to have a reason

Today I will just have to settle for being bored
For being uninterested
For being unhappy
But it would be nice not to have to dumb down to cheer up
I am sick of dumbing down
I am kind of sick of life

Maybe tomorrow I will remember a good reason to live
Maybe tomorrow I will find something new
Maybe tomorrow somebody will suprise me
Maybe not
But I do still have hope
That just maybe things will change

through the h a z e  
o f  t h e
s m o k e
                I could see
                your face
more clearly
than I had
                   since...
you died

reflection, reflection
are you really there
a mirror of this life
is it the truth
the truth of the present
the truth of how life
became the way it is
can I see past you
into the other side
what is behind you
what are "you"
instead of this reflection
of me
you so readily show

When I fall asleep
Memories of you I keep
And in my soul
I find a home
Where answers abide freely
Like diamonds never loose their sparkle
You are mine forever after
In dreams
I find lifes meaning

When Fantasy meets reality
I loose what once I held dearly
And light reminds me very clearly
In dreams
You are near me

So never underestimate
The importance of believing
Whilst every  night when you are dreaming

I"ll wait there till I find the meaning
In dreams
At night whilst I am sleeping