It was so hard to hang up the phone with so much emptiness in between our words we could barely say goodbye . it was at that moment at a drop of a hat i couldn't bare to remember it was i that pushed her away. She held me up for so long i forgot what it was like to hit rock bottom until i did. I didn't hit it like i use to i couldn't put the brakes down fast enough that i scraped both my knees hitting it with so much force i forgot how to speak.
I've died a thousand times but there were never enough body bags to fit the pieces i lost, and she....she kept them for remembering me but i guess she forgot about what happens when one dies because she eventually started to smell like rotting flesh with a dash of formaldehyde.
Months later i saw her walking around her skin flaking off every inch of her body. She never got the memo that being fragile is what gets you killed. She spent so much time with the pieces of me that i think she caught the death that emanated from my very pores.
Watching someone die slowly and painfully is not what everyone says it is. Your bones do not creak one morning when your not lying next to her, waking up from the one night stands that fill the space between my emotions and i. She told me that's why we never lasted.
I wish i had never swallowed every pill, drank every bottle i put onto the wall for others to sing about, because the coroner found the overdose in the bed of her stomach.
99 bottles of beer on the wall take one down pass it around 100 bottles of beer. I guess i finally beat my record.
Did you wake up one morning and realize you were no longer in love with me?ripped my beating heart out of my chest because you don't do "commitment" and instead of letting me down easy you packed a bag of rocks to tie to my ankle, each one in scripted with every reason on why you couldn't love me anymore. I don't know the exact moment when i became a chore,nothing but a simple mess to clean up after. The constant reminder you didn't get out in time.
Broken promises and a dash of heartbreak outlined your lips and when you spoke my reality was twisted into something i couldn't recognize just like the time i looked in the mirror and i didn't know who was staring back. Its like your a pro at identity theft but you only stole the good parts of me.
Did you finally wake up today and realize I'm more than you can handle because i have all sorts of baggage that you don't have enough strength to help lift.
The past seems to always walk in between the hours of 2a.m.to five. It never stays long enough to see where things go. Its favorite trick is to disappear after making me cling onto a hope i never knew. Memories dug up for the amusement of my past he will smile and play me like an instrument, he's learned very well how to play me. Not too rough but not soft enough to keep the bruises off my body that i hope will cling to the bones rattling inside.
The past always seems to enter whenever he pleases,ties me down and walks away leaving nothing to let me free. He is laced with sadness and not the kind that cripples you everyday but the kind nostalgia cant take away. I thought time would heal my wounds but the past keeps coming back for more and i dont think ill be getting out of this alive because everyday i find a new name for my past. And today his name is regret.
We are the generation that's finally woke up, took our head out of our ***** to realize we can't live off religion and tomorrow will be betters. Is god really even there anymore? I used to ask you this to fill the silence at three a.m. because my brain honestly would not stop thinking about the big questions on life after death. As a kid i never questioned what the church taught, it was only after i grew up i learned they taught me to hate myself. When i was baptised it wasn't in blessed water to purify me of my child like sins of stealing one too many cookies but to try to burn any evidence i would one day realize how one sided this talk with god is.
I use to pray everyday.....preached to people who i thought needed Jesus like it was some sort of game that whoever saved the most people wins. But no one told me begging for a sign that maybe it gets better is how one is suppose to see this all and holy love.
Waking up has become this impossible task of trying to go to some dreamland and yes others have it worse but I'm tired of that line always being used to justify that what i feel does not matter in any shape or form. While others may have it worse in no comparison should i complain but its like i have heaven and hell inside of me at war and its been like this for the last seventeen years. I found myself praying the other day because frankly i didn't want to die on the freeway in a black 1983 ranger simply because the carburetor died. I never finished the prayer and looking back now I'm wondering if that's because i realized in the matter of seconds it took me to pray i managed to survive one more thing with nothing less than an amen or a hallelujah.
I've bruised my knees so many times from sitting on tile til my legs were numb just to feel a sense of security that my spot in the afterlife was secured. I believed every ******* word my family said for years about god being everything. But right now talking to god i can only hear my own voice, and i cant tell if that means I'm suppose to save myself or if he's finally left me.
I don't think he can even hear me anymore from how loud the religious people are shouting holding their signs of hate to make the man upstairs so proud of them. Will they get a clap on the back and "job well-done" for every body they bury six feet deep without even pulling the trigger.
Wheres god when we needed him most,I'm tired of staring at an empty sink wondering why he hasn't stopped me yet, has he finally stopped believing I'm real just like i have with him?
What do you think it feels like to fly?i don't really have an answer because I've spent my highschool years with my head in the clouds high on whatever drug i could get my hands on because god wasn't enough to fill my cup so i found replacements.
One cup was filled with love so holy but somehow tainted I guess I let my blood ooze too much because it splashed in the cup and the love left. Never looking back, do you think that's how god felt when i finally realized like the tooth fairy i could never believe in his existence .....because my parents could never keep a straight face while talking about him.
And maybe one day even the bible will become mythology a simple story put into history to write off as fake.
The difference between knowing when to let go and when to love harder is it doesn't hurt to say goodbye. Your bones don't creak in agony for the slight touch of her hands or simply waking up without her next to you. Nothing but space and the body of some stranger you spend endless one night stands with to fill the void between your emotions and you . She told you that's why it never lasted because you were that rusted old rollercoaster rickety and barely able to go through the loops because you were relying on the only working wheel she felt unsteady with you because at any moment you would break down. Stuck in the last spot you saw the glistening chance of ever feeling. And she knew you'd never get back up again or at least you wouldn't work as well as you use to. She knew the old saying "you cant teach an old dog new tricks" that's why she's gone.
You will never glance up and see her staring at you with that grin you so....whats the word? Not loved because that would imply feeling but you adored it because it was so care free. To say you saw the world in her eyes would never describe enough to anyone how she mattered to you, but you'll push it away to the side and the instructor will simply say to keep all objects inside during the ride. Because you are after all this indestructible wall you built with nothing but your two hands and a hammer to keep every moment you wanted for safe keeping locked inside.
How am i suppose to say goodbye to someone whose not even here anymore? Youre a phantom at its finest i know your there but i cant truly feel you like i use to. This world isn't made for handouts but yet i still tried to win you like some claw machine prize and ive come to the conclusion if you dont love me like i do you then you will always be my almost lover that i never had enough time to spend with.
Ill spin tales about the man you were because id never let your name go down in the dirt because even after it all ill always be a fool for you.
Your knees don't quite shake anymore because your last wheel was finally removed to be put on the newer model.
It took me two weeks to realize i was no good for you. And its gonna take me a lifetime to forget the sparks we had
Five months for a teenage brain is a lifetime to be with someone...add ten more days and that's how long i got to keep you. This isn't second grade you don't get a trophy for merely breathing and that's all i was doing. Breathing you in every second i got until we stopped seeing each other outside of school. I thought i was oxygen deprived but i was only deprived of you. Fought against my gut feeling that i could not keep my promise of forever. I wanted to burn the memories we had in picture frames. To shatter them like i shattered us. I cant walk past you with out the little pieces of my heart aching. I may have been the little spoon but i had the entire world at my fingertips when you were by my side.
The day it officially ended we said We'd keep in touch. That We'd be best of friends but now we don't even say hello. Bad habits have been restarted and **** the nicotine high is so lovely when i think about you..i forget. The head rush and the burn in my throat i think the firefighters told me i had too much smoke in my lungs for it to be just from a fire. So when they took me to the hospital to try and clear my airway not realizing it was the hospital i asked for my one call. And it was to you but i think i had too much nicotine in my ******* veins pumping straight to my brain that i didnt realize when you answered id be ripping off the scabs that were helping you heal
I still miss you...i dont think thats ever gonna change. Weve both moved on now. But my addiction to nicotine is at an all time high
We left a tray of cookies on the counter a few days ago, to let them cool so our greedy hands could place the delicious chocolatey heaven in our stingy mouths but we forgot about them and one day turned to the next when we finally realized we wanted the cookies that we practically cried over. They were already stale. So when he put me on the counter and told me "i will want you later" i knew i was backup for when she finally found that forever had ended for you two. But i guess i started growing stale because when you came back you said i just wasn't the same. I didn't taste so sweet and the bitter had set in. So every time another person comes along and says maybe later i don't know if I'm suppose to put a best by sticker on my arm to let you know when i will expire for your tastebuds. The cookies crumble if you hold them too tight just like i have crumbled from the tall tales you spun.
My mom cleaned the fridge out yesterday,the smell of rotting food had finally become too much. She said if she sprayed enough bleach inside to let it soak that he might actually come back. Because it wasn't her that had made him leave but the fact we never had enough of anything to make him content with the smell of decaying food corpses. Not enough bargain tools to show him we were good enough too. My mom finally accepted he was gone for good and i noticed that her best by sticker was on her arm and it was to expire tomorrow.