Check the yellow pages
And the funny papers
We gotta find those contact lenses that will change our brown eyes blue
Then promenade to the place

Whatchya got on tap?
Lemonade?
Give me the recipe

That's a odd catch phrase you got there, "I'll **** you with a railroad spike!"

Tell me how the worldwide aficionado only got the bronze metal

She cries at the drop of a hat
Now they've revoked her drivers licence  

He's eating flower petals, that man in the corner over there
He's in for a rude awakening
That's poison oak or is it poison ivy?
Either way that's his lot in life

The man from the nuclear power plant comes in and tells m to get welded as he slaps some roadkill on the counter with great hubris

He told the cook to fry it up so no one here would have to eat processed, pasteurized, homogenized, hydrogenated genetically modified food with an appeasing garnish on top  

Mmm tire marks
Tastes like this thing has been through the marsh
Some kind of wetland

Before I leave someone yells from the back, "You want the weather? Look up an hope for the best!"

Help Wanted
Inquire Within

The Packrat has morphed into a hoarder
I tried to removed the monkey in a suite off his back and put it in he barrel with the rest of them even though it wasn't my business, although I was its uncle

Get in

A quaint little bungalow
Where sweltering heat is a constant
"There's coffee on the back burner, ya want some?"

It was a blessing in disguise
A bona fide  slice of paradise

We read up on the complex of Oedipus Rex and the debate of moral fiber when talking about Ped Xing

We hopped on to a plane going to Pismo Beach and joined the mile high club then enjoyed clams on the half shell  

We listen to a dollar fifty nickelodeon
And talked about how music is dead because everyone is just na na naing and yeah yeah yeahing their way to the top of the pop charts  

Over a *** pie
I confessed my love
His rebuttal seemed abysmal to my sleeve dwelling heart

He said this was an unnatural habitat for him
And if we were to be together it would raise eyebrows
Tarnish his illustrious reputation

It was an unanswered prayer
After all the whatnots and whathaveyous
He got sick and died of AIDS about a year and a half later
He never came out

Dodged a bullet there on that one

I have been swindled!
They took my bags at check-in but never gave me a room key
Now I'm back home mailing packages to myself
And writing a negative review of that place to put a blemish on their record

Back to headquarters
This it your last chance
I will not allow myself to get hoodwinked on this deal
This is an open letter

Dear Ocean Foam Resort,

When I stayed at your place of rest and relaxation the first time it wasn't that bad. I mean, the neighbors we're louder than anything. And the people above me aired out their ***** laundry on the balcony every morning while i was trying to drink my coffee. I recall hearing the wife confessing that she was cheating on her husband with a co-worker to her mother over the phone. I can also recount two God awful parents I saw by the pool, they let their children scream and run around disturbing the other guests. Actually they let the run around so much and I guess never fed them, because one of them got light headed and passed out into the deep end of the pool. One of your staff members had to save her because the parents we're bust sun bathing. Then there was the man below me, he wasn't a bad person. Far from it but he had to be the most unfortunately hideous people I've ever seen. He had skin tags on his eye lids, warts on his neck, boils on his legs and arms. Then there was the constant disturbances coming from the late teen- early twenty-something year old guests. They were on what seemed like a two week drinking binge. Blasting music all night, having too many people come to their room and having all night long ******. The head pounding music, the worrisome benders and the moaning that went on until the early morning was too much for me. I'm saying this as a guest who has been to your resort for the past seventeen years every year, the first chance you get tear down your place of business because it has become a rat hole where no one should go or ever be near. Now you've stolen my luggage and refused to give it back to me and you have refused to let me stay in your resort. But I'm happy about that after rethinking it, keep the luggage and go **** yourself. So, Ocean Foam Resort enjoy falling apart and going out of business.

Sincerely,

Ron Dempsacot

This is no time for mudslinging
Or complimentary pillow chocolates
We're here to scour these head stones to make this bone yard look more lively
Now, get over your shell shock and let's get to it  

You know our motto
"They drop, we mop!"

And our slogan
"Dead as a door nail, clean as a whistle"

Adjust your bifocals
And allow this to soak in
There is nothing to fear here
I know it's creepy but we have a job to do and a name to uphold

I'm telling you in advanced, at night you might be on edge since you're new

There are no walking dead zombies here or ghost or ghouls
They've all been neutralized, passed on, embalmed and buried
If not they will ring the bell beside they're grave and the gravedigger will come and do some excavating

I know death strikes a chord with you after that accident at that donkey show in Juarez but it'll be fine

I have not disclosed any information from you, all is well

Except the fact that this is a cursed ancient Indian burial ground
Where witch doctors are put in the ground and their spirits come and work black magic on all those who tread here

Okay bye!

The backseat driver's lips began to chap
And his jaw locked
Thank you Based God

The people pleasers asked to hitch a ride
They had no mode of transportation
And the lack of communication coming from the backseat driver was concerning them even more

I thought I was about to be bamboozled when they started to clean the interior

I decided to pull over and check out an antique store on the side of the highway

They had used toothpicks used by President Eisenhower
The word "Anagram" in all upper case letters made of lacquered balsa wood

While we were there I tossed out all my unpaid speeding tickets  

Then I saw a sign the said "Continental breakfast $2.50!! 3 miles thata way!!"

I zoomed to the diner and ordered that continental breakfast for the backseat driver, the people pleasers and myself

We each received one coffee, one buttered roll and one danish

We all had the same irritated, sour look on our faces

We flipped the table in disbelief

Attacked the waiter and held the innocent patrons hostage with a fully loaded sling shot
And demanded the cook whip us up a gross of spinach horderves

As we left the back seat driver called shot gun
So we all pilled in with our horderves
And I gunned it to 95
The backseat driver held on to the "oh **** handle" for dear life as the people pleasers cheered me on with their mouths full

On to Massapequa

I've never gotten a chain letter
Or a parcel marked "fragile"

But I've been told to "get out" by many frustrated people
And "come in" by welcoming hosts

I've never been a negative on the cutting room floor
And I've never been particularly choosy on pizza toppings

I don't think I've been a victim of voodoo, but then again how would I know?

I once curtailed my friend's jail sentence by testifying

I've been told everything I know about life is complete horse hockey

I've been the odd man out but I always manage to even things out

I've never not been able to get myself out of a Chinese finger trap

And I have never, most certainly not ever been a white knuckle driver

It was a five finger discount
Just a benign theft
It wasn't hurting anyone
Besides, it was going to look good in my breakfast nook

I put on my "cross your heart" seat belt and jetted home
It was a beautiful coffee mug crafted by Incas
It wasn't like I looted the store

I now refer to it as my stolen-Incan made-oversized coffee mug

But I guess I should have seen the warning label

"ATTENTION THIEF, THIS MUG IS CURSED BY ANCIENT SPIRITS! AND IF YOU DARE KEEP THIS MUG ALL THINGS DRANK OUT OF IT WILL CAUSE YOU HORRIBLE PAIN AND SUFFERING"

Now every time I have my morning coffee it either tips over on to my lap or gives me a sudden case of the runs