I didn't mean to shout at you,
I'm sorry,
It wasn't meant to be this way.
I didn't want to hurt you,
And I still want you to stay.
I need you here,
I swear it,
To keep me out of my head,
You're the only thing I can think of,
To get me out of bed.
Each morning when I see you,
Only then can my heart relax,
Cos I'm scared I'm going to lose you,
And that's when the panic attacks.
I shouted because I'm scared,
I don't love you any less,
But when you're not here I'm petrified,
I can't sleep,
I cannot rest.
It's because I don't deserve you,
You're too perfect to be true,
Even your imperfections
Endear me to you.
So please, my love,
Please listen,
When I apologize,
Because losing you,
I'm positive,
Will lead
To my
Demise.

One day, I will know them,
The words I have been looking for,
For all my life.
It will happen to me,
That great unknown,
And I will understand.
But I will not speak those words,
No,
I will cry them,
I will wail them
And scream them
Until no breath remains.
And I will not cry for my own sake,
No,
I will cry for things bigger than me,
Bigger than this little life I lead.
I will cry those words for
That continent,
Bled dry by centuries of greed and violence,
For those people,
Who have no tears left to speak of,
Let alone to weep
I will wail them
For the centuries of suffering
Imposed unwillingly upon so many,
Trapped in a man-made maze of pain.
I will scream them
For those who remain in that labyrinth,
For those with no faith left in a 'Great Perhaps'
After too long of being told
They weren't worth it
And when I have finally finished,
And I too am devoid of tears,
I will look to the stars,
As he did,
And I too will laugh.
Not for my pain,
Not to restore my own faith in the 'Great Perhaps'
And never to leave this labyrinth,
But to show that it cannot
And I will not
Be defeated,
And I will call the people,
And we will fight
Until we have no cause left to fight for,
And we will make it known,
That they will not succeed.

You were always a fan of comedy
Right from the day I first met you
We were lost to the giggles
Howling and snorting
We made fools of ourselves, and happily so
I'd never laughed so long in my life
Before you came along.
And you showed me the videos of your favourite comedian:
Eddie Izzard
And the lego dramatics
And we cried and coughed and spluttered
Over cheap red wine
And oven pizza.
Your laughter was contagious
It brightened up my days
But as the nights grew longer
And the light left quicker
You left too.
I think you got lost along the way
And you found yourself at a service station.
You parked yourself at the bar
And ordered yourself a pint

And then another one.

You told any stranger you could
About who it was you used to be
So free
So spirited
As you watched yourself turn mean
And your sweetest of souls fermented in that barley swill
And then you ordered another pint
And another one still.

You know, I haven't seen you since,

And Eddie Izzard's lego figures
Lie lifeless in a box somewhere
Collecting dust in a dark corner.
You've brushed them to one side
Like those little voices which speak to you
Directly from the cavity in your chest
Just near your left lung.

You order one more pint.

Only while Izzard's personality and charm
Are what overtook those little blocks of plastic
And had us howling
Your own ego threw those small voices aside
Locking them in a jewellery box
And hiding the keys
You never knew I'd find them.

So you draw back
You closed your eyes to the world around you
Where the people sing and dance
While you nurse a fast leaking bottle
The drink doesn't drown out the whispers that follow you
It just drowns your mind enough
To numb you from the pain.

And it's only when you've ****** away your last three quid
Shat and drank and then some
That you finally open your eyes again
Only to realise
That you don't belong here
That you weren't made for this life
In this grim, empty service station bar
Stuck alone in the middle of nowhere
Where years spin by like days
And minutes last for centuries
Where your only escape
From the impending sense of doom
you can't seem to shake
Is down the eye of a glass needle
Or reflected in the brown swill
Left in the bottom of a glass.

And Eddie Izzard is still up on stage
Velvet dress and rouged lips
And the roar of the audience
Mimics the waves that crash down in your brain
After the floodgates broke down
Only this time,
No one's sending any rescue teams.

Do you burn for me
Do you cry and do you pine
Do you dream of calling my name
Do you dream of me calling you mine

Do you dream of my kisses in the morning
Do you long for my warmth in the night
Do you know the pace of my heartbeat
Or the glint of my eyes in the light

Do you know my deepest fears and secrets
Do you know what I dream in the day
Do you know the workings of my brain
What was that I heard you just say?

Call me your baby girl
I’ll give it straight up
Take me home with you tonight
I only want your love.

Oh mother of all that has been
Accept me into your warm embrace
And keep me above the water
For I cannot swim

Drag me from this thick, thick mud
Before it pulls me way down
Like it did all of the rest
I can still hear your voice

Lift me please from this chaos
To the place of everlasting forgiveness
I wish to undo the wrongs
Of a forsaken continent upon my people

**"La historia me absolverá"

'Tis but another day I have not slept,
As I traipse aimlessly through these baron halls,
The shadows enveloping me, luring me further and further.

I remember in the days of the living,
When the moonlight was my friend,
And in her rays of light she would cradle me,
As she sent a sweet lullaby through the night sky,
Sung softly by the light of the stars.

It took me three years to remember how;
How to close my eyes and let the dark carry me away,
Lifting me up on a cloud of dreams
As I breathed in and out, in and out.

For those three years I wandered,
Writhing in the breath-taking agony
I would not have thought those like us were capable of feeling
Enduring as I wished and prayed
I could once more
Feel the dark close around myself and carry me off
On an adventure I wouldn't remember.

But when I finally managed it,
The wisps of the shadows did not encircle me,
Lifting me lightly in my slumber,
But they wrapped themselves around and around,
Suffocating and trapping me,

And the light of the moon did not reach out,
As she watched on from above
And the stars screamed and howled,
Possessed by an evil I had never seen before.

When I finally awoke,
I was lost, confused, and dazed by the piercing light
From the endless source.
And so, I will never again know
The warm grasp of the moon's rays as I am carried away;
The soft singing voice of the stars that I no longer see above my head.
I will never again know
What it is to dream
Other than the nightmare I am currently trapped within.

Sometimes when I look at you
You look so lonely.
Your subtle beauty slowly festers
Behind those thorns you surround yourself with.
So determined are you to protect yourself from the bad
You don't even see what you are missing.

You don't hear the comments or the whispers.
Your beauty may be subtle, but everyone notices it.
All you hear is gossip, snide remarks and laughter
And you can't tell it's not real.
You're so convinced that you're hated,
You fail to notice one thing:
I love you.

Please love me back.

Dark as a winter's night
While pale light reflects
Your skin glowing
The heat of your body
Red, like an aura
About your Self
Keeping me safe.

This is the point at which the illusion shattered
I don't remember being told that adulthood would mean stability
But somehow I always believed that they weren't like this.  
I don't believe I am an anomaly
I don't know one person who hasn't been ****** up in one way or anther
Words that once stung my ears are numb now
And it's been the very thing in which I was taught to have pride  
That has done me the most damage.

My mirror is lined with lights
Like at the cabaret
So I can pretend as I sit and put my face on
That the world is my stage
And as I step out of my bedroom door
It is the stage lights which blind me
And the roar of an awaiting audience which bursts my eardrums.

As a child I used to watch the people in the streets
As they went about their daily business
Some rushing,
Some meandering,
Some chatting with friends
and others just taking the air
And it looked like it were some ballroom routine
A perfectly choreographed flash mob of people
Each movement completely planned and controlled
As though there were giants up above playing with us like dolls.
What a merciless force my giant toys with

They say breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck
I should be so lucky
This was the year when my illusion shattered
And here I am picking up pieces of broken glass
Each shard making its own incision on my fingertip
While my hands leave a trail of blood behind, covering everything I touch.
Memories are tainted red, but this does not smell like roses.

I grew up in a meadow;
Dandelions to catch my falls she told me everything will be okay
And she tried to teach me to love who I will become
We can be there for each other she said we will all come out the other side strong.
Now I live in a world filled with words;
Like vines, they grow sharp and thorny in nature
Big words which were once too hard to swallow are now the daily pills of this existence
I grew up in a meadow
And I am just now realising
That I was raised a lamb.

Now I am put to the slaughter.

you're lying
lifeless
on the floor
your head flat
on the ground
your hair
golden
spread
like a mane
you lie like a queen
crown in your
limp
cold
hand
but you have no dignity
of which to speak
you lost it all some time ago
and you haven't found it again
not very regal,
are you?

I don't know why you wrote it down
But you made it concrete
What you said was
You love me more when I'm asleep
Because in my peaceful slumber
I am beautiful
Yet I remain unaware of the fact.
But I would like to clarify for you
The true meaning behind your words
And the only sentiment I can understand
From what you wrote that night
And what you told the world.
You said you love me more when I'm asleep
But you only love me more
In my rest
So peaceful and pure
Because I cease to exist.
In my quiet unconsciousness
I am an empty shell
You are blind to the workings of my brain
Reminded only of the doll that exists outside of me.
You mould me into all of your fantasies
Assigning characteristics to a lifeless body
You create new people in my image
New women
New lovers
A new me
A perfect me
A version of myself I could never truly be
Because my brain is my own
And I cannot read yours
I will not shape my person to your needs.
So please don't ever say it again
That you love me more when I'm asleep
That I look more beautiful lifeless
Than when my brain is running
Than when my life shines through my eyes
And my heart sings from my lungs
Don't ever say again
That my only beauty rests
In my nescience
Because all I hear
Is that you don't love me at all
And I don't want this to end

Yet.

there comes a time
when you let that smile
wipe itself from your face
the one you had been showing
all those beautiful strangers,
or those acquaintances you met
the last time you left your house,
or your mother, when you kissed her goodbye
and wished her a good time.
And as the smile leaves you,
and your muscles relax themselves,
you feel the gravity increase
pulling you down all of a sudden
as all of the reasons you hate yourself
and every other thought that comprised the black cloud above your head
come flooding back to you,
encasing you in a thick fog.
maybe it's a warning of the week you have to come
or maybe it's more than that
but either way,
the heaviness in your heart
and the pain of each intake of breath
as you fill yourself up with the toxic smoke
surrounding you
pulls you one step further away
from the life you were hoping you would lead.

From your door to the gate,
He followed you.
From the gate to the road,
He followed you.
From the road to the park,
He followed you.
From the park to the school,
He followed you.
From the school to the town hall,
He followed you.
From the town hall to the post office,
He followed you.
From the post office to the river,
He followed you.
Down the river to the bridge,
He followed you.
Across the bridge and into the woods,
He followed you.
Through the woods and into the meadow,
He followed you.
And then it was just you and him,
And he thought you were still unaware of his presence.
And as you slowly turned to face him,
You drew in a deep breath.
"It's not funny."  You told him. "Go away"
"Oh." Was his reply. "Sorry."
And he turned and walked back home.

A fire rises from behind that hill on the horizon,
The trees silhouetted in front of the roaring light
As the the tide creeps closer and closer
Bringing a cool blue across the land
A clash of forces battling fiercely
All on her front doorstep.

No wonder she's so stubborn,
Learnt her ways from the dramatics of nature
In the house we all call home
Married into a clan of warriors, and born of the same stock
Her life has been a dance through the land of time
Nothing stays the same.

As the shadows of the sunset climb their way
Across the hillsides and down below the grass
The trees remain illuminated, glowing orange
Their empty branches reach towards the light
         and catch it at their fingertips
Stealing it away for themselves, sending pockets of steam billowing above our heads
She said she might not come back next year

With gravel in our mouths we said our goodbyes
Held on just that moment longer
A lingering panic in the air - she might be a woman of her word-
But her army are rallying at her sides
Ready to fight her battles alongside her
A shimmer of hope gleams softly at the edge of the room
(refracting through the water bottles in the corner)

Stay a little longer

Is it dark
Where you are?
Is it as dark as here?
Where the light is fading
Behind the fog
And the clouds
Grumble and creak in the sky
While the lightning is nowhere to be seen.

Is it quiet
Where you are?
Is it as quiet as here?
Where our pleas
Sink below the ground
And the music
Drifts away
On the cold, sharp breeze
While the shouts and cries rise above us all.

Is it peaceful
Where  you are?
Because it sure ain't peaceful here.

The clouds are at war.
Our noise is drowned out
By their cries
And screams of pain.

Where the light has left
In search of a better place
A just, forgiving, place.

The peace left long ago
Leaving just a lingering,
An impending
Sense
That the end will soon come
Sure enough
The sun will soon give in
As we did long ago.

And so,
I just want to know,
How is it where you are?
What is it like to be happy?
Would you teach me one last time?
Before the sun disappears behind the clouds once again?
Oh, I do so love to see the light of the sky.