i disappear
into drawstring pants
with the drawstrings cut out
and the tee shirt i wore
for two days
before i was brought more clothes

paper shirt paper pants
see through when tight
and bright yellow non-slip socks

if i try
i can easily return to that place
the white lights
the pills in dixie cups
the isolation room with chalkboard walls

i can return
anytime
to that post-attempt numbness
just shuffling along
destination a to destination b
"okay everyone,
it's time for group"

watch the yellow socks move along
forget you're controlling them
forget your feet are within
forget you exist
it's almost peaceful

i don't want a valentine
i want all-the-time
i want midnight late night laughing too hard to go to sleep
i don't want some gesture card
i want to touch your heart
let me breathe my intensity your way without you running away
hold my hand in the long dark hallways
i want your love forever and always

you're safe you're safe oh god thank god
i haven't seen a word from you since the day you hated me
i was so afraid, my dear, that i'd killed you in trying to keep you safe
but even though i didn't Lose you
i've lost you just the same
you feel that i betrayed you
and i don't know how to make it okay

I shake when I think about us
When I think about how much more I need you
than you could ever need me
When I think about the defeat in your words
And how our hearts can hold so much
But yours just can't seem to hold
mine

if time keeps bringing us back together
lifetime after lifetime like you say
then time just must be out to **** me
cause oh god, you break my heart

I am afraid to sleep tonight
While the hands hold to my mind
While the cold embraces me
While he waits to haunt my dreams
And every eye that burns my body
is Wide Open
Staring
Waiting