after the doctors, the family therapy
there remains a feeling of white walls and sterilized gloves
sterilized gloves, handling me very carefully
they make you wear non-slip socks but you can't have your shoes
you might strangle yourself with the laces
and my pills are all locked up somewhere now where i can't get them
my mother's voice sounds like the hush of tiptoeing feet on too-clean tile floors
they handle me with sterilized gloves and panic when i'm in my room for too long
as if it's abnormal
as if i haven't been known to hide
the echos in the hallways sound different on the other side of the hospital
nervous, uneasy peace and hushed whispers
i am made of glass
but being treated like it feels like standing in drenched clothes
my fingers are pruning up
i have a feeling
this will take a long time to dry

I have no words I've lost my words
I cannot word the way I feel
My art, my song
They're so far gone
Buried somewhere beneath the ache in my chest
And I want to see the world but I don't have the means
And I wanna live without regret but I've got rock bottom self-esteem
I want stories to tell but there's so much I haven't seen
It's eating me alive from the inside, it's hard to breathe
Teach me how to get up and do something worth doing
I wish that I could say I'm living a life that is worth living
I need to be more fearless, more outgoing, more giving
All I wanna do is live a life that is worth living
Light my words on fire, bright LIGHTS the world's on fire
I need some motivation to take, take me higher
I have a timid heart with bigger than life desires so I need a little something to take, take me higher
I'll feed this little fire, breathe in a little smoke
Give me a spark and you'll never forget the words that I spoke
I have a timid heart with bigger than life desires
But one day you'll know my name when I start, spark the fire

I have to say
I don't see the point in trying to fight
When every night feels like a losing battle with your own mind
And the consolation prize is you're still alive
Well, "alive"
Define life
'Cause I'm pretty sure this isn't it
And I'm trying to feel it
Trying to find it
Hoping maybe I'll get it if I turn the music up loud enough
Sing my heart out enough
Write my thoughts, feelings, fights down enough
But I'm pretty **** scared that it's not enough
And it'll never be enough
But *******, that's enough of "enough"
I wanna outgrow this
I wanna leave this town and forget it
I wanna do everything they say isn't "realistic"
I wanna prove that I'm worth it
Mostly to myself
But to everyone else who contributed to my hell as well
Though I have to say
I'm really tired of trying to fight
And it'll be a long time in this battle with my mind
And I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to be alive
'cause I'm not really alive
And when I define life
I know this isn't it

I need sleep, but I just want an ending
And I haven't taken my pills in a month because I don't trust myself not to swallow the whole bottle once it's in my hand
On my medical file they call that "uncooperative"
Instead of "survival"
The doctors don't understand what it's like to be a quickly unraveling thread
I'm pulling on it,
Pulling myself apart
Habitual self-destruction is more familiar than healing
And I feel more comfortable knowing the end game
Recovery is a shot in the dark
Unraveling is much easier

Head ache, heart ache
My body tries to make up for my lack of feeling with pain
Reminding me that I am alive
But I don't feel alive
Sitting still 7 hours a day
All my art has fled my system, all of my words have fled my brain
Show me how to breathe in stale air and still exhale creation

I ******* worshipped the ground you walked on
For you, I picked up the pen
I wrote poems, letters, songs
I wrote my heart out again and again
I felt lucky to breathe your air, blessed with your company
I couldn't for the love of God figure out why you'd waste your time on me
So I praised you, kissed your ******* feet
I wasn't prepared for you to step on me
Force the breath out of me
Even though I watched it coming, it ruined me
You abandoned me, loathe me
Kicked the emotional living **** out of me
Now it's been quite a while and I still can't breathe
I'm trying to move on but all I do is bleed
Your blood, my veins
Your veins, my blood
It doesn't make a difference
When all's said and done
I'm colored rust with the stains and you're somehow clean
And I have only one conclusion for what the hell that means
You don't care at all, you don't care a bit
I'm bleeding out on the ground, you don't give half a ****
I loved you, I held you, tried to be anything you'd need
You scorned me heartlessly while I watched lovingly from my knees
Now talk around like I'm a demon, like I was anything but doting
And they listen to your every word, trusting your fake-sweet candy coating
Queen *****, queen bee, I hope this catches up to you
Queen cold, queen cruel, I hope this **** haunts you

Brutal reminders that nothing is assured have stirred in me the desire to assure those I love that I love them dearly and let them know just how much they mean to me.
And maybe it isn't accurate to say that "nothing" is assured because I can assure you that I love you, I love you, I love you.

To my moon with big blue eyes who spent countless hours by my side:
You remind me of safety and warmth and the feeling of living, you have been there when I've cried.
You remind me of music and soft things and book stores.
You have been a precious friend and every day I miss you more.

To my sun who I don't always see but always come back to eventually,
I know you're not comfortable with these types of touchy-feely things, emotional dedications, suffocating affections
But you are my oldest and dearest friend
And it'd be like leaving my heart at home to leave you out or squeeze it in at the end.
I grew up with you, laughed with you, stayed up secretly all night with you
And so many nostalgic memories bring me right back around to you.
You have been a home to me when I've felt lost and without direction and it breaks my heart that we seem to be losing our connection.
I love you till forever and forever even more.
I'll be here until whenever, I'll leave the light on by the door.

To my somewhat-soulmate and my Sky,
You are my safe place and my star.
I'm so glad we've come so far to the place where we are.
I have to say that part of me will always regret not being quite what you wanted or needed, and yet,
You are my closest friend, the one I confide in.
You are someone I know I can trust to cry on or to hide in.
I am convinced we are soulmates in some way ,
Kindred spirits, if you'd like.
A string of fate and friendship connects you and me
And I hope it doesn't come undone, ever,
Or at least for a very very very long time.
I want time to watch you grow,
I want to be there when you shine.

This isn't very poetic at all,
It doesn't have much rhythm or flow,
But I wrote it with a lot of feeling
And I hope that it shows.
I love you three to bits and pieces,
And regardless of if we're near or far,
You'll have a room in my heart, light on in welcome and door ajar.