Sometimes I feel like we just use other people
to fill in that gap of emptiness
when that special person in our lives
leaves you
and that is why
I can't truly grasp
never one hundred percent sure
I really don't know
if I can ever believe when
people or someone
say to me that they're
into me
or have
true sincere feelings
for me
that is because
what if I am also just a
gap filler?
just a temporary person
just filling in the emptiness
in them

I know it's been months since you left
Somehow parts of you will never fade away
Like that time when you told me you grew tired of me
That I know will never leave my mind & will scar me for life
Now I have to pretend that I didn't see you & I don't think it will ever stop hurting, but I'll just get used to it

And last night I called you just to hear your voice again
The least thing I had expected you to do was answer my call
So then I asked you how you were doing
And I could feel you shaking your head with confusion
So you sat there quietly on the other line, hesitant to tell me
In that very moment it was like you forgot I even existed & that I once part of your life
After a few minutes you finally replied, saying "alright" and at that I made sure to let go of you
I smiled as I hung up the phone
And that was the last conversation I had with you

Fast forward to the present time
And yes I still wonder how you are & what you've been doing
I still wonder what you & your friends are up to, and if you've seen any concerts recently
I know that if you heard me ask you these things, you'd have that big smile on your face like you used to
Every time I said something thoughtful

So you'll probably still think that I need you
That I still want you
And in this moment, no.
Not at all, not in this case
Because nine months ago I was doing everything I can just to impress you
To make sure & check up on you that you were happy & content
And to make sure I was the person causing happiness & that smile on your face
But no, it isn't nine months ago
It is the present time
It is now
In this moment
I remember you as a person I shared my secrets to at 3am in the morning & ****** to feel a sense of closeness
I remember you as someone I shared special moments with, like laughing at something at 5 in the morning
I remember you as someone who made me happy through the dark moments in my life and that I'm always grateful for
But you see it isn't nine months ago
It is the present time
It is now
And in this very moment
I miss how you messaged me unexpectedly just to ask me what happened throughout my day
I miss you how you cared, even at things that weren't so important
I miss our friendship, our secrets, our stories, our dreams & goals
So maybe one day things will be alright again
It will be different, but it will be better
And maybe we'll run into each other
Catching up with our lives
But right now you're a faded memory
Someone I used to know, but all that is a blur

This is a deep poem
Way deeper than the ocean
Deeper than that the hole you dug
Much deeper than the hole I dug
Me & you digging can't compare to how deep this is
If everyone in the world digged with us, this poem would still be deeper
A poem so deep that a black hole isn't near close to how deep it is
This poem isn't going anywhere
Because you don't really know where you're going to end up in life
This poem symbolizes absolutely nothing
Because nothing it put together
And this poem doesn't have any meaning to it either
So stop reading this
and go live your life
So you can find a meaning to that
Because you sure won't find it here
Because this isn't a deep poem you idiot

I never thought someone
A girl at the age of 16
Could be filled with so much sadness
Her blood type "D" which stands for depression
Eyes that are bloodshot
Eyes that are filled with a lot of regret
Eyes that has lost hope in everything
Eyes with crushed dreams
Her eyes are so beautiful that used to be filled with happiness
Her eyes heavier than the baggage she carries
But her thoughts are heavier
But she makes an excuse saying she's fine
But she can't escape the thoughts she has on her mind
She smiles away her pain
No one knows that nothing can keep her sane
And she tries
She tries so hard
But she can't go back
Can't go back to who she was before

She had lost her innocence
She lost her innocence when her own father asked her to try & lit a cigarette on her own
And she did
She smoked away her problems
She lost her innocence when skipping one class wasn't such a big deal until it became a habit of doing it everyday
She lost her innocence when the positive attitude she had in life got poisoned by the negative thoughts that her ex best friend had & so it rubbed off on her & now all she got is this negative mentality
For every time she breathes, she breathes in the pessimistic air that had consumed her lungs & gotten to her brain
She lost her innocence when she let herself got attached to people, only for them to walk away
She lost her innocence when taking pills were the only thing that could make her happy
She lost her innocence when she puts her guard down, only for her heart to get broken
She lost her innocence when she let herself fall deeply
She lost her innocence when she tried to fix someone else, that led her to self destruction
She lost her innocence when she first tried alcohol to forget about him, and ***** tasted the same as his lips, tasted like an addiction, habit, and full of regret
She lost her innocence when she first had drugs and it tasted like things were finally going back to normal for once in her life
She lost her innocence when she sent pictures of her body to a boy, to make herself feel better by the compliments he told her
She lost her innocence when she gave everything to him & she let him touch the other parts of her body, to keep him satisfied, happy, & so that he wouldn't leave her
She lost her innocence when she broke her own rules just for him

But she was long gone
Physically alive, but mentally dead
Everything falling apart all at once
Crashing down on her & a person can only take so much pain
And she didn't know what to do & how to make it stop
She didn't know how to stop loving someone who didn't love her anymore
She didn't know how to make her parents stop yelling & fighting from the unpaid bills & she couldn't make her father stop smoking to stop spending all the money on cigarettes, while her mother does all the job
She didn't know how to deal with a goodbye she never got
She didn't know that within a year she could lose someone that meant the world to her
She didn't know that she lost herself too, that a person was able to take her heart & happiness with them
She didn't know that you could meet the love of your life, but doesn't mean you end up with them
She didn't know until now that she was never good enough & is easily replaced
She didn't know she'd be awake in the middle of the night at 16, missing someone that she gave everything to, only to have her efforts wasted
She didn't know that saying "I'm fine" could make others believe her & they did, when she really wasn't

It never occurred to me
An inflicted pain could cause this much damage to one individual
That one person has this much impact to another
That they could have this much power to make you feel like this
That these things could actually happen to her
That her so called best friend would turn back on her & make her feel worthless
That her own parents were fed up & tired of her behavior & eventually she started to believe to the things they made her feel
That no matter how hard she tries
It just won't be the same anymore

i. He is going to break your heart and you'll try to put the pieces back together but you'll never be back to you were before you met him
ii. When he says "I care about you," don't listen to him.  Months from now you will find yourself falling apart while he embraces another girl & gives her the world, when it was supposed to be you
iii. You will often see him with a bunch of other people & he will be laughing & smiling a lot more than he ever did with you. But you have to learn to not care & just worry about yourself first
iv. You will see him walking alone & when he sees you, he won't say hey as he usually does but instead walk past you like you never existed & you will feel the burning flakes in your lungs. But don't let him get to you
v. There will be other boys who resembles his smile & you think that maybe they could fill the void & make the heartache go away, it won't & will just make it worse
vi. Months will pass by & you can finally tell yourself that you can go on without him
vii. It is still going to hurt & maybe for a long time, baby girl. And you wish that you could go back to who you were before your first heartbreak, but you will thank him for this experience. And one day you'll find someone who will give you the galaxy & share every sunrise & sunsets with you

~Things I wish I knew before you broke my heart ~

Have you ever found that one person, not different from any other person out there
but **** they make you feel alive, happy, and treat you so well
and you start to think to yourself that this person might actually be so good for you
that you give them your attention
they start to be part of your daily routine
you tell them things about yourself that you never really told anyone else before
so you take a chance of them
risking your heart and every part of you
and then one day
they decide to just walk away
leaving you out of nowhere
like a dog losing it's owner
they rip your heart out
pieces by pieces
and you let them anyways
because of how much you care for them
and do you ever think
why? why did they even take interest in you?
like why you out of all people?
so were your motives was to get to know me
breaking my ribs, have my lungs ran out of air
to having my heart raise just for you to shatter it apart
and so that they can **** you dry of all your tears you could ever cry?
and I wonder what it was or saw or felt that made them lose interest in you
because it's not fair how they can make you different and just leave
they give you all these memories and pretend that it never meant the world to you
and it ***** how I can't do anything about and how they don't know how I feel because they will never truly understand how you cherish them
as they just took you for granted
and all you can do is to be happy for them
hoping that is even enough
so do you just find that one person, not different from any other person out there
who gives you hope about love, life, and full of positivity
all to be crushed in the end
feeling so much pain
that you never wish upon anyone to feel this much heart break
but you would go through all that pain again
just so you could experience & be with that person
but everything is just a memory in your head
in time it will fade away
and you wonder how it was so easy for them to move on
while you're stuck with a goodbye you never gotten
and their favourite song replaying in your head over & over again
remembering all the promises they said, but it's all broken now
still dumbfounded how they can let you go just like that
but those what ifs, should have been, and could have been
are better left unanswered
because knowing the answer will tore you apart
and you wonder why? why did you ever let this person be part of your life?
why didn't you just leave it with the simple casual "hello"
and why did you let them break the walls that you built?
why did you even took a chance on them?
and that's because you saw potential in them that you never did with anyone for a long time
and they just **** it all up

and it was all over
in that moment
you said you were done
and grown tired of me
I don't blame you though
I'd get tired of me too

and ever since you left
it's been pretty hard
just like the season changing
you did too & left me hanging
So I wasn't surprised when you had decided to go in this season
leaving me in the coldness

and my question is
did you even care
did you even get to know me
or was it all just fun and games
was it all real or was it just pretend to you
because you leave a trail of broken hearts without knowing that you do or not caring at all

and when you told me that you wouldn't forget me
I know that was not true
because in honesty boy
since the day you went away
I have thought less & less of you

and I've given up
given up on trying to make you stay
given up on trying to make you come back
given up on trying to change your mind

and I don't know why I've given up
maybe because a new season was coming
but I sure don't feel the same way anymore
I've moved on & continued to live happily

and then one day we met again
you looked at me with deep uncertainty
I looked at you as someone who was once a big part of me
but as seasons changed
I learned to look at you & didn't feel hurt at all