so

who
did you daydream
about

when you
were trapped
with me?

stroking your ego
is the work
of a weak woman

escaping the light
truths
not yet ripe

the suggestion
the night
the time
the fight

your eyes
told me
of
your
plight

saved all of my tears
until they burned
and i became nothing

dot
dot
dot

did i make it awkward
or did you?

-me
--always me

i’ll cry
every night
for you

for our joy
for our pain
for this gift

you
already
gave

don't you see?
me?
are you listening

i cannot be me
until you recognize

all.the.things
in life
are calling

am i out of line?

why haven't you knocked

on
my
door

here's the key
i'll leave it out
underneath the dirt

wind blows it all away

passion is my middle name
you must have none

are you that scared

of what i cannot see

must i live these years
identically

repetition
breaks my heart

i had the notion
that you were not the same

can you feel this rhythm

it leaves my hands
and ventures out
into the unknown

catch it while you can

life and time are allies

sometimes they love the thorns

Stacks of pencils
Lined the shores
But no one could write with them

They used all their words
And cut off their tongues

How will they tell me

Chop it all off I said
Strand by strand
Each pain goes away
And comes back
It never works, **** I always thought it did

You once tried to kiss me
In your living room
I cut off your head
And that chance didn’t i

I burned that bridge
And now I want to cross it!

Come find the string
That holds us together
I never saw it
I even tried to gnaw it off

I bet if you pull it
We might end up in the same place
Sing some songs for me
Put your voice in my ears

Tell me what you really feel
Because I know you’re lying

2 empty glasses
left on the table
remnants
of a moment
not too far past

3 years ago
i cried on a bathroom floor

(that was the first time i cheated on you)

my freedom
scared me
but

now
it sustains me

there was a time
when this was new
i thought i saw
a glimpse of you

you left me clues
along the way
but you never
gave your heart away

i haven’t learned
no, i can’t let it go
how many times can i endure
the word no?

am i real
without my voice?

Trees flying by
disappear only after a moment

Leaving you and everything else we had
beyond my horizon

all hope i had
turned into the reality
of paths
of life
living

circumstance..
all i believe in
how our paths are true
how we go in the right direction for ourselves
this is what took you away from me
not hate or jealousy
but the divergence of two paths

at this moment
i can only try to understand
how things work the way they should
because i can't believe that now

i had imagined what we would be
upon your arrival
things to come
things we'd do
just me being with you
but now everything is blank
i can't see my future
i'm returning home to uncertainty

yes, i'll be fine
i can breathe
but all the things you could have fed to my heart
go with you now
as you wind your way down breezy roads
sun shining
smiling

it's like trying to stop a waterfall
you can't
it just flows
I try to stop
try to block you
but i can't
it just flows

i'm weary
i'm torn apart

this past day
reminded me
how good i had it with you
how wonderful it feels to be with you
and how much i'm going to miss it all
and it's not fair
i had no time
i was unprepared
but you're not coming back
and part of me isn't coming back either

emergency
the abyss
we finally faced it
and i
stumbled back
unable to contemplate
that next
tumbling
step

i want
your actions
to fulfill
my dreams

the bottom
dropped out

but
in
the best way
possible

like
when
the dam
breaks

the goodness
is flowing
into
my
open
arms

all the way up
and
all the way back down
again
and again

i'm cheating
on you
you're cheating
on me

what
a
coincidence

did we just
agree?

kissing you was easy
bliss
a firework
the realization

"this is just the beginning"
nothing will ever be the same

lingering, savoring
"what happens now?"

--------everything
----------anything

can you just
pour into me
the things i need
effortlessly
without hesitation
give me
all of you

am i
tumbling
into another life?

our love
makes me a liar

today may be a better day
but
it’s still a day
without you

we have to preserve this
at any cost
i will live a million
pretend fake painful lives
to live one
real one
with you

this burning
wonder
does it bother you?

push you
like it pushes me?

do you even wonder?
how i am?

do you care?

are you still there?

...?

twisting
and
molding
the truth

avoiding
accountability
denying
what we knew

..

i reject
it
with my whole heart

this is not reality
this is art

today
i give up
on trying
to make you mine

and
all that’s left
is the ashes

i think
you're just someone
who tolerates me

but

i'm not sure
there is anyone else
who would

you think
your irreverence
makes you authentic

actually
it makes you
stupid

my
imperfection
& impatience

i expect
will drive you away

just trying
to speed it up

a year ago
i found you
smiling, looking for me

we found ourselves
close

big room
feels small with you

your hand
on me

walked out of there
we

a year ago
i found you

every ball
i've tossed in the air
is on its way
back down

your face
against mine
heart races
faster than my mind

beautiful you

an easy kiss
a hard goodbye

belief
makes it
real

i hope
you're alive
and happy
and better
without
me

this sadness
grew today

the wringing
the tension

a black hole
reducing me
to nothing

can't you just
stop
being in denial

open your **** eyes
and help me
say the words
i haven't been able to

but i guess
what could i expect
from the person
who thinks
they still love me?

my blooms
never reach the sun
because
you crush each one

gatekeeper
gaslighter
hateful
little
man

if i can’t rise
above you
then
im not sure
where i am

my body is scared
of something
my mind
doesn't yet know

here
not here

with you
without you

joy
sorrow

can we be two things
at once?

i don't think i can do this.

deep breaths.

he's making it hard not to hate him
he doesn't even see me
he is a stranger now
his eyes are dead

deep breaths.

he makes me
scream
cry
hate

he is turning me
against myself

deep breaths.

i can get through
i can resist
i can keep aiming high

i can achieve
my happiness

deep breaths.

i know that
i just broke your heart
and i'll admit
that mine broke all over again
even though
it seems to have been breaking
over
and over
for the last 12 years.

i will say
that
each time
it got a little easier.

i saw your tears
heard your voice
with desperation
you
trying to grasp
the end.

for your first time.
and for that
i am sorry

a simple,
sudden
shout

an interruption
i can't stop
thinking about

unexpected
and abrupt
and beautifully
uncorrupt

i'm slowly building
enough courage
to take
the first step

if
you're not
going to jump
into the fire
with me

if
you don't feel
this burning

if
it doesn't eat you up

if
i'm not enough


then
please
go
away

once they came
the flowing tears
covered all of me

they would not stop

mourning

burying you

fragmented
but free

a fresh step
up a lonely hill

yea, it's scary
but
i'm free

how many times
are you
going to leave

without
saying
goodbye?