so much easier
to catch something
than to let it go

(letting go is inevitable)

the weight
of my mind
feels heavy
these days

i really did think
for once
my hope would turn into
reality

real things
don't last

nothing.
lasts.

one by one
the lights come on
until
the city sparkles

i'm getting closer
to being OK
with keeping our love
in my pocket

you thought i was going to work
but i went north instead

driving fast around the curves
until the road's end

i have to get to the top
to the highest point

it's the farthest i can get from you
and the closest to the sky

maybe the wind will just
******* away

being content
never lasts long
when
you're faking it

you
contradicted
our love

with
your look

i get high
to cope with life
so
what's the point?

my
little
world

is a deep
chasm

dive
to the bottom
with me

i don't
care
if
we crash

surrounded by warmth
a familiar feeling
lulls me into
defeat

imperfect self
demands
perfect love

convincing you
to love me
also
convincing myself
that
I deserve it

i enjoyed the day
despite you
and certainly not
because of you

did i
come to my senses
too late?

did you ever
fall in love
when
you weren’t
supposed to?

disappeared.
again.

i thought you were
my friend.

it's hard to believe
that
this is true

since
just a few days ago
i saw you

oh, how quickly
hope wanes
replaced immediately
by
bitter
doubt

i'm descending
to the depths
of doubt

i'm waiting
for you to slow down
this seems to cause
a torrential downpour
persistent
in strength
defying
my wish

did you have to lie
like me?

does it now
come naturally?

a small price to pay
wouldn't you say?

i felt
full (filled)
until it
drained
out of me
slowly
peacefully
yet grimly

it's
colder
now

you're my dream

i'm not sure
if this is the kind of dream

that can be real
or that can never be real

awake
asleep

i dream in both

escaping my reality

day
& night

this dream life
is starting to blend in
with my real life

echo love
fades
repeats
comforts
disappears

our love
aligned us
for a moment

an eclipse

at first
we moved
towards each other

and now
we are moving
apart

today
i felt
the void
between us

echoes
of loving words
fading

to you
this
is already
planned out

it's everything
we expected
it's a mimicking
of the same scene
over
and
over
until
it's just a word now
without any meaning
only the boring context
we built around ourselves

well i reject
your worn path
that goes blindly to the grave
your hollow words
that didn't mean anything
until
someone else
said them to me

now
i know
just how empty
we are

everything i do
a calculated attempt
of an escape
from
pretty much
everything

every
single
day

i looked for you

every morning

i sat in silence
waiting for a sign

daily distractions
over time
are forcing a fade
of my focus
on you

however
against
my will

today
my peaceful river
reached a waterfall
i tumbled down
deep, deep
to the bottom

my sorrow
like the roaring noise
water's strength
water's howl

tomorrow
my river flows
wraps my mending heart
puts back in me
some hope

conditioned fear
keeps us
in the cage

cool breeze blows through
it’s that familiar feeling
where only a fresh start will do.

my fire heart
will
always
win

the
tiny flame
that stayed
inside
me
for you
is burning me
alive

you can't be my craving
you have to be my constant
not something i am always
grasping for
reaching for more

you have to be
always inside
peacefully flowing

tolerance, indifference, a fog
how easy it is
to slip back in
and forget
this burning for freedom

of course
i did

and

of course
i always
will

i stopped using the map
a long time ago

and even though
sometimes i feel lost

with you
i'm always found

marriage
erased me
blinded me
from who i was

now
like a new discovery
i found her

renewing love
like a fountain
overflowing
over
and over

you give me
everything i need
to be free

freedom
feels empty
when i hold it
in my hands

the path
to freedom
is
on fire

maintaining the facade
at any cost
to allow
the free flow
beneath

i know i lied

but
so
did
you

(now i know)

and you tried
to make me
the villain

so
****
you

my stomach
can barely tolerate
going through the motions

our gazes
meet
and
my smile,
sleek shy grin
is the beaming
of my heart
that cannot be contained

doing what i can
to hear you
feel you
pull you in

just
give in

i give to you
what's left of me
and what you give back
is a newer,
golden
me