1.
I'm sorry I'll never be able to have dinner with your family, that I'll never be able to sit down to a meal that your mother cooked, hold your hand under the table, and feel like an insider. I'll always decline to stay for dinner because I know that the anxiety over eating, over saying the wrong things would get to me and the plate set in front of me would feel like a mountain to be climbed, a spotlight exposing the fact that I am a fraud and I'm sorry for that.
2.
I'll never grow out of it. I've grown into it. The lines between It and I have become hazy and some days I don't know who I am. Some days I'm going to be a *****, some days I'm going to withdraw, some days I'm going to need you to hold me and kiss me. Some days I'll let you see the most vulnerable parts of me and other days you're not going to recognize the girl you fell in love with.
3.
I'm addicted to my eating disorder. I need the control, the pain, the punishment. The feeling of my bones under my skin keeps me going, the promise of tomorrow.
4.
They say it's love when he's the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of before you go to bed. But my weight is always at the forefront, perpetually waiting for morning to come so I can drag myself out of bed, weigh myself and wait for the day that I feel satisfied and I know it shouldn't be this way.
5.
I love you more than I hate myself.
6.
I will never leave you here by yourself. It doesn't matter what I feel, I will never leave you wondering why. I can hurt myself, but I could never hurt you like that.
7.
  I know you're trying to understand what I'm dealing with, but I honestly don't understand it myself.
8.
I'm sorry that we'll never be able to order pizza and cuddle while watching Doctor Who, I'm sorry you'll never treat me to a fancy restaurant, I'm sorry I don't know why you love me, I'm sorry I'll skip out on doing things just because I don't want to confront food, I'm sorry I'll never go trick or treating with you, I'm sorry my problems are affecting our relationship. I'm sorry that I've made it personal. I'm sorry that I've put a face to the words 'eating disorder,' I'm sorry that it's a face that you love.

Tick, Tock I can't stop staring at the clock
Waiting for this period to end
Tick, Tock 82 minutes
Until I'll see you again

Tick, Tock still staring at the clock
It's quite embarrassing to confess
That as i'm sitting here with 65 minutes left
All I'm thinking is when i'll see you next

Tick, Tock what's wrong with that clock?
It says I have to wait another half hour
I've been sitting her an eternity
Tick, Tock I know that clock is a liar

Tick Tock, my eyes plastered to the clock
Why can't time go faster?
Tick, Tock 15 minutes on the clock
Until I hear your laughter

Tick, Tock 5 more minutes on the clock
I'ts quite silly of me
That I measure time by when I'll see you again
Tick, Tock please go quicker, you stupid clock

Tick, Tock one more minute on the clock
Until our brief encounter
Tick Tock my heart beats like a clock
The bell rings as a reminder

Tick, Tock I'm done staring at the clock
And now, I'll search for your face
We spot each other but can only speak for a minute
Tick, Tock why can't time just stop?

Tick, Tock the teacher point to the clock
I'm always late for class
Tick, Tock it starts all over again
Just staring at the clock
Until I see you again

When I was little all I wanted to do was fly
Like angels in the bible
Or like Peter Pan
With a little bit of faith, trust
And lots of pixie dust

When I was a bit older
I dreamed of being like a bird
While looking out of the classroom window
Not wanting to return home
I could spread my wings and protect myself
And fly
Just fly

One day I tried to fly
When I launched myself off my balcony
But gravity pulled me down and red liquid blossomed from my knee
While tears stained my cheeks
"What were you doing?" My mom yelled
I hiccuped through my crying
"I just wanted to fly."

I am standing on the edge
150 feet up in the air
I try not to think of it as falling
I imagine myself finally flying
And feeling the wind rush across my face and leave me flushed
I spread my arms and imagine wings
And let go
All to fly

She's so hung up on the fact
That his heart belongs to another girl,
So busy drowning in melancholy and unrequited love
She doesn't notice another boy wishing he was hers
That boy behind the scenes
Who listens to her gush about him,
Who sees when he's around, her eyes have a certain gleam
She cries at night thinking that she'll never be loved,
Not knowing she already is
Because while she's staring at him,
She doesn't notice that boy staring at her
The exact same way

I am not meant to be
One half of a beautiful love story
I'm a wallflower,
A coward
I'm the girl trying to disappear in her seat
A **** amongst flowers in bloom
Must have been a defective seed
That made me
I'm meant to be with the lonely hearts
While you blossom in the sunlight
I wither in the dark
Pluck me from the ground
Discard my petals
He loves me
He loves me not
Until there's nothing left to count
And then you came along
You gave me all the things I needed
And for once, I wasn't alone
I'm finally growing
My roots no longer embedded in shadow
I'm not filled with so much loathing
But there is one question that keeps me up at night,
One that makes me wonder why you don't say goodbye
I am not meant to be one half of a beautiful love story,
So why am I?

Love is happiness
Giddiness and joy
The way you smile when you think about him
And every bad thought goes away
And you wonder what life would be like
Without him

Love is the feeling of inadequacy
Sadness and despair
The way you cry when you think about it
The negative thoughts ripping you apart
And you wonder if you’d be better off
Without him

Love is being completely stupid
Reckless and young
The way you’d do anything and everything
Even when he wouldn’t do the same
And you wonder if you’d make smarter decisions
Without him



Love is completely pure
Innocence and beauty
The way you feel like a child again
And would wait forever on him
And you wonder how different you’d be
Without him

Love: it can’t be explained in simple words
It’s both happiness and sadness
Chaotic and calm  
The way little things remind you of him
And how you notice the simplest things about him
His smile
And laugh
His little quirks and imperfections
That makes him even more perfect
We fall in love time and time again
And yet each time it feels brand new
And even though it causes so much pain
It also brings so much joy
And I feel sorry for everyone who lives
Without it

Cassie and Lia
Or Ana and Mia?
I don't know who we are anymore
Best friends or competitors?
Both fighting for a place at the morgue
As the first snow falls,
Our blood intermingles
In a pact to be the skinniest of them all
And no one else can see
That we're stuck in a blizzard
Doing anything for beauty
Icy veins and frozen hearts
Numbers shrinking on the scale
Metallic blades leaving scars
Pretty pills and bathroom stalls,
Diet coke and working out,
This is all that we are
We used to be innocent Cassie and Lia,
But when I look in the mirror
I only see Ana and Mia