the tree that was once there
is no longer
the bond i have with others
has not grown stronger
things change quicker than i can blink
and my least favorite hobby is to think
i wonder if i'll ever get over
those no longer
just like the tree
that was once there

my heart is heavier than it’s ever been
i’m wondering if healing will ever began
i go back and forth, up and down
and i’m wondering if i’ll ever come around

i try to live on
take pictures of the sky
but truth be told i loved him
and no one but me will know why

when will be the right time to say
“i know who i am”
and mean it?

in the end
what will i fear most,
being hurt?
or never being truly understood

when will my heart stop beating
in all the wrong directions?

i say i hate myself
but honestly
there’s no one i’d rather be

safety might not be
in the places i once thought

finding safety again
can be harder than it seems

please don't go
i know that everybody has to grow
but please don't leave
i really don't want to grieve

please don't go
we could take it slow
you were my very best friend
and i'm not ready for that to end

intimacy is your greatest fear
but distance is mine
i wonder why you don't want to hold me near
i guess you're just too afraid to share your mind

why must i be bonded to something
that causes me so much pain?

every time my heart aches
i will say a little prayer for you

i will never let anyone see the worst of me
because the one time i did
they left

my fear
is that no one will ever care
like i do

i will cling to what is real
authentic moments will not be replaced
my greatest disappointments
are also my greatest qualities
so i will hold on
and maybe one day someone will hold on too

i’m tired
of fighting so **** hard
for the happiness
that everyone tells me i deserve

i feel lost
but have i ever been found?

forever lost in the vastness of my mind most every word it utters is unkind
unsure if processing is the right process
only time will show, i guess

a sense of meaning i hold in my heart
it was there right from the start
with whom i will always relate
will i ever be understood for this state?

my mind felt infinitely understood
as much as it seemed it could
for a mere five minutes
hopefully it will again, to the finish

i will not completely crumble
but i will not become any less
of who i am

if i sunk into nothing
would anybody care?
i just wish i could be something
could this darkness let me up for air?

the world feels like an illusion
and i know i sound crazy for that
i’m sitting in a cloud of confusion
letting it out here, is where i’m at

everyone seems to see
a dimmer version of meaning
than i do
it’s starting to mess with me

life’s just an illusion
until you lose the one
you are fantasizing with

when the stories
i repeat in my head
became my own
that was the day
i lost control

pushing back all day
on the feelings you wish
would all go away

tied back and kept
the only way to cope?
a state that almost feels trapped

at the time the sun may sink
maybe it’s time to let go
let your heart find the link

it’s almost relieving
a sense of detachment
who are you deceiving?

understandable to only one
but still perplexed
this, maybe only just begun

it’s time to find me
go back to the place i once was
become the person
my younger self would be proud of

comfort in the sadness
a lonely shelter of blue
a blanket of feelings
that is never torn
a space to feel
will i ever know a difference?

is it time to let go
of the me that i have known
all my life

it might be necessary
to prevent anymore pain
heartbreak is an option, right?

emptiness seems dramatic
but not anymore than feelings
i don’t know what to do

is it time to let go of the me
that always causes harm
more than the good

i loved too hard again
but i thought this would last
i will always remember what you said
it’s so hard to move past the past

what i’d give to be apart of
your world the way i used to be
give me five more minutes, love
see me the way you did before, please

what hurts most
is loving with all of your being
and still not being enough

this is not permanent
this feeling
this aching of my broken heart
remind my self everyday
this is not permanent

she felt the wind in her hair today
and her drive made her feel something
roads winding every which way
who knows the destination they will bring

she goes through each day
clinging to the hope that things
will get better
because what else is there to cling to?
now

today
she felt slightly okay
and who knows how long
it will last
but we will embrace it
for now

i acknowledge
that i am in pain
and though guilt holds me hostage
i will not give myself all the blame

why is it harder to love myself?
than the one that makes my soul soar?
i guess i’ll have to be kind to me as well
but this will be harder than before

finding life and meaning
despite a broken heart

this does not feel like the natural state
of a human, or do they all come like this?

enclose your wrists as you enclose your heart
for they both have scars that no one cares to see

what is your hope? or do you even know?
clustered is your brain, when you try to use it

learning is a curve but
when does the path look straight again?

she felt a deep longing in her chest
it's ache was greater than any ocean
and it's sharp stabbing pain
did not know the word "end"

it followed her closely
never leaving her side
some may say it was a friend
she would not

where is the opening
to the vastness of hearts?
or a better question might be
"where is the closing?"

she wished she could love herself
without constantly trying to change
who she really is

deep down she was broken
beyond repair
from what was
and what could’ve been

her heart was bigger than most
or at least she thought so
feelings she wished to be a ghost
but that’s unrealistic, she should know

inside looking out
or outside looking in
either way, a new route
why not now, not when

sunken, weary eyes
creases of pain
cannot begin to diguise
every gray stain

cracked, aching place
used to be filled with love
a memory i cannot face
every good thing shoved

i'm not sorry for how much
i loved you
my heart was fully touched
now, couldn't be fixed with glue

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
my shoes coming untied

anticipating an absence
always throws off my balance
then my heartstrings come unraveled
with these tears i must battle

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
believing all these lies

will there ever be a day
where i can smile and be okay
to say a hello with a happy sigh
and never worry about saying goodbye

i will not forget the time
you told me i was worth it
because now it may seem like a lie
back then, i really believed it

another evening falls to rest
and i still don't miss you any less
i hope things are well for you
and maybe you think of me sometimes too

a lot has happened indeed
a problem that seems to never unravel
but i do hope someday we see
it wasn't a distance too far to travel

stop hating yourself
for loving more
though it hurts

it is the greatest gift
you will ever recieve

ever since you left
i have felt the weight of my heart
completely like a brick

unexpected endings
have never sat right with me
was it all just pretending

i try to redirect my mind
but my God, i loved you
and i still do, all of the time

you know that feeling
that main characters have
when they find themselves
and it’s like
the most significant moment of their life?
i feel like i’ve spent my whole life waiting for that moment

maybe
the answer
isn't to escape
my own head
but
learn to love
and know it
as your own

let your heart long
for what you don’t have
experience what you want
feel as you do
but some day, try to find peace
with what you don’t have