It haunts me sometimes
The distraught look in your eyes
Knowing that you can't get through

It's much worse on the other end
Seeing you so upset
Knowing you won't open up

Not even to me

It haunts me sometimes
Seeing you so unresponsive
Like I'm dead to you

I hate the feeling so much
Being on the outside
Desperate to be let in

I'm sorry I ever did it to you

If only you could see me now
Instead of this emotional wall
Solid grey stone upon chiseled stone
Imposing and oppressive

I see myself in this wall
I can see my mistakes
Written in stone and reflected
Like a mirror staring back at me

Anger and pain met with hatred
Resentment for what I was
What I am; who we are
All I have said and done

I see too much of me
Too much of the sadness and disdain
Melancholy and anger
I deserve no better

I built this wall to keep things out
But they still break through
Like a stone through glass
This glass fortress

It reflects my memories back at me
Painfully unforgettable moments
Visions of shattered emotions
Like a stained glass mural torn asunder

And all those glass fragments do
Is cut back at me, slicing deep
And the crumbling wall crushes me
Brick by brick by brick

Until I get what I deserved all along

Lost and found but never returned;
Mended and duct taped together--
Yet still riven deep within;
Sundered eternally; dust on no wind

Wind to bring the mightiest oaks to topple;
Zephyrs of times foretold--
Times of catharsis and of calm;
Catatonic like this still air

Air to breathe and to suffocate;
Drowning in an endless sky--
Rain, but to only turn grass to mud;
Prairie to swamp; earth to dust

Dust upon a picture frame;
Glass shattered but still whole--
An allegory for a light to shine bright;
Only to burn out in a cold eternal night

Night so frigid it cuts straight to the bone;
Brittle like a heart frozen over--
Arteries clogged with slush;
Slowing to a snail's pace; creeping

Creeping into my soul like the darkness;
Black as night and ichor; as a fractured mind--
One lost to time; fading as all does
Like petrichor on a steady wind

Wind gentle as a loving embrace;
Vicious like a stab in the back--
Or gruesome as one to the throat;
Cutting deep to spill the blood

Blood of life and of death;
Signalling the end of one's run--
The end of life and beginning of eternity;
Aeons to suffer through endlessly

Endlessly, eternally, cyclically;
Ebb and flow in the most macabre of senses--
Leaving nothing to chance;
For chance is an illusion of fate

Fate brings me here tonight;
Carries me through ups and downs--
Soaring heights, but still I fall;
Too close to the sun, perhaps

Perhaps this is not the end;
Almost certainly it won't be--
The cycle is not to be interrupted;
Though fate may not show its hand

Hand me a knife to cut these bonds;
Sever the sutures that hold this shattered soul--
Let it be a message to the gods;
I make my own path, I am my own fate--

Moonlight on an brisk night
Not a soul in sight
No birds in flight nor snowfall white
Just a waning moon's light

Alone I am in this frigid cold
No one's hand to hold
A heart of ice; so I've been told
By whispers in the leaves that rolled

I stop to wonder a while
Standing not with a hint of style
Much less so than a soft leaf pile
Memories coming forth rank and file

Icy winds and half-moons
Biting chills and half-truths
Raindrops falling on broken roofs
All joy is lost in a ****

Words cut deep in my veins
As this soft moonlight wanes
Troubles on my mind; stains
Surreal dissent and pains

Bitter cold and icy chill
Cold enough perhaps to ****
Though hope fills me still
My empty soul it shall not fill

For icy winds chill to the bone
And moonlight reveals a throne
Of white lies to cast a stone
And black blood long since gone

Memories—
Demons long forgotten yet haunt you still;
In the depths of your most sacred thoughts
They dwell inside; they wreak havoc unseen

Pain—
Those memories of fire immolate your mind;
Ablaze with fear and unrest when the world itself sleeps
And yet I cannot; lost in the firestorm of tribulation

Doubt—
It's not real; never was or so it seems, but still;
You second guess your every move in the eyes of demons
Eyes watching; cutting through the mists of aeons

Breathe—
But you can't; like the universe itself rests on your chest
It threatens to crush you into oblivion; into eternity
Into the icy wasteland of Time long forgotten

Choking—
Thoughts cloud your mind like toxic clouds of hate;
Suffocating you until you fall deeper still into their grasp
Falling into a sea of lost souls and torment

Drowning—
The sea swallows all it is fed, like fire given a haystack
The briney depths holds much more than one could fathom
This mind, however, holds far worse than these stormy seas

Memories—
Drowning in a sea of torment and misfortune; ice and loathing
Frozen in time by that which terrifies and traumatizes
Lost in a maze of distorted thoughts in an ill-fated mind

Beside me but miles away it feels
She is still in my heart but I can't feel her spirit
Though this isn't the first time

I feel lost in this, and my guide is missing
I feel her touch, but it is fleeting and ethereal
I look in her eyes, not seeing those glistening pools anymore

She pulls my close and for a moment I feel her warmth
I feel her love and her care, her concern and her worry
But I'm still ice cold; freezing

I lay there beside her yet still lightyears away
My mind drifting away from me
I feel her but I can't see she's there for me

Redemption in my eyes for the sins of my past
Dwelling still though in my troubled memories
The world around me spinning so fast
I can't keep balance and fall into troubled seas

Going under but if just for a moment I feel
The weight of consciousness and the world combined
Inky blackness surrounds me; my silence, sealed
The answers to what troubles me I cannot find

I drown deep in moments a long time past
Under the weight of my own memories
The strength to fight back is leaving me fast
I pray to her to leave me be... Please

We will meet again one day, but not now
These distorted visions of my past overwhelm
The answers I have yet to find and know not how
Though not today nor that day long past shall I leave this realm