Today I had thought that time could be linear
A line ever-still with us passing it by
The future is not undetermined and random
But set by the past. Now, let me tell you why

If two people were brought up in the exact same way
If there mothers, the same, and their actions, alike
The thought path and actions of the two would matched
As their genes/experiences make what they do and don't like

If their pasts were the same, their reasoning would too
Then what happens before makes what happens next
So their future is written by the past that they've had
But this can't be right. This is why I'm perplexed

I remember a day that was near ten years ago
My dad had punched through the window in rage
He came rushing upstairs to comfort his kids
As he had been in our spot when he was our age

He apologised dearly with a fist full of glass
He had never wanted to put us through that
Last year he lashed out the same in some sort
But then there was no comforting chat

No "think of the kids", no "what have you done?"
He had now lashed out and was sure deranged
It was this that broke my theory in two
I guess that time itself has changed

The time my eyes,
Had first set sight,
On the wonder that you are,
So full was I,
Full of delight,
At the wonder that you are.

My head so weak,
My heart so strong,
For the wonder that you are,
I have tried to seek,
For something wrong,
In the wonder that you are.

My heart now hums,
Now when it sees,
All the wonder that you are,
The feeling comes,
And gives wobbly knees
At the wonder that you are.

I want to know,
What I would feel,
To be the wonder that you are,
I wish all but a foe,
Would come and kneel,
To the wonder that you are.

I know the pain,
that’s caused by me,
not the wonder that you are,
not said in vain,
but I wish I could be,
with the wonder that you are.

My love for you
Is strong and grand
And yet it makes me
Weak and bland

My love for you
Is pure and clear
And makes me feel
No 'mild' fear

My love for you
Has been opaque
But yet feels like
My worst mistake

"Love is like war; a breeze to start,
But seems so very hard to stop"
The feeble *****, or 'loving' heart
Can lead you thrice over the top.

It'll throw you first, then let you fall
And let you take the longest climb
But then you'll give the jump your all
To make it work so well this time

"Where there is love, then there is life"
Then why do I feel I'm near death
I wish that you could be my wife
Through every storm, to the last breath

I feel like you are still the one
Despite the time that's passed us by
We've both made turns looking for fun
But really they've just made us cry

"Life without Love is bad as a tree,
A tree without blossoms or fruit"
I want to reap harvest as big as can be
But without you here, its all just minute

Oh I can see the simple truth
We are not meant to be apart
I wish I could return to youth
At least I'd then be in your heart

It's been a while since we've last spoke
Since I heard your gentle advice beam
It feels as if I've just awoke
From something of a vivid dream

We used to talk, but once a day
And make all of our problems clear
I guess that I've got naught to say
So I'll put this out, that you may hear

I miss the times of good and bad
I miss the times of problem share
The advice I'd (badly) try to add
The constant thought that you were there

I'll start at quick as it seemed to end
I'll jump straight back with eager cue
But my tongue is stuck, my dear old friend
So I guess for now its "hi, how are you?"

‘Love’ is just a made up word
But the feeling which is defined by love
That is something more than four letters
More than two vowels and two consonants
More than anything that can be described with words

Then why is it so hard to keep it in?
Why do I have to cause troubles and problems
When I have to verbally announce the feeling of …
… Of it
… Of ‘love’
Of the feeling deep inside that cannot be worded.
Yet needs the presence of wordings and descriptions
To keep it going
To keep it living

To keep me crying

Life just carries on when you cant carry any more

Life fights against you even when you give up fighting

Life will glue the shattered pieces and pretend its new

All alone, All alone
Fighting evil, All alone
Fighting 'til I'm skin and bone
All alone, All alone

All alone, All alone
I look around, I'm All alone
'Friends' around have all but shown
I'm All alone. All Alone

We all make mistakes
We all choose a path
But I guess mine will haunt me
As I lay in the bath

As I lay in my bed
As I ride on the bus
This mistake that I speak of
Is the mistake of us

"The way to get over one
Is to get under another"
My mistake that now haunts me
Is 'cause I didn't really love her

I was in love with the first
And then 'liked' the next
I wasn't quite sure
Now I'm truly perplexed

But as the due date approaches
She assured me "it's not yours"
Then tells me to F* off
And closes all the doors

If it's mine I'll accept it
(Though my parents will shout)
It's funny but oh how
I wish I'd pulled out

I'm not ready to father
A child on this Earth
But I guess I'll have no choice
When just after birth

The child comes out with
A darker skin tone
Than the father she claims,
But my seed has been sewn

Only time can convict me
Or clear me of rights.
But until then it will always
Haunt me at the night

But regardless, I proclaim now
That whatever comes
I'll love it if it is mine
(But I'll still hate the mum)

I seem to remember everything
Even what i want forgotten

Even what i want hidden
Even what i want destroyed

And i remember those more
Than i do the beauties

Those God given moments
That i will never truly forget

But now i can't distinguish
Between the Goods and Bads

The Love and Fear
The truth behind my broken heart

The truth that never hides
And i want it forgotten

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live every second until you die

Time will pass and new times will come
And things, with time, will mostly fade
The times have passed for millions of years
Why, about this, would you be afraid?

Whether all i have is two days, two weeks,
Or if its still a month or two,
I say i should just live it out
And focus on my love for you

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live EVERY SECOND until you die!

If you force me to change and make me anew
We would just lose an e and become double you

Just when things get back on track
Just when all cards are in the pack
When all the games are good and done
Another starts and makes me run

I cant escape this losing streak
I can’t escape because I’m weak
I want to win and finish life
Without the pain and grief and strife

I write because you're right
I was wrong because you left

Happiness
Having a good health
And having a bad memory

Again without control
Again now filled with fear
Waiting for the nurse to call
"Is Michael Hibbs still here?"

Just waiting for the cannula
Just waiting for the bed
Again I fight against the
Ticking clock within my head

I wish to skip a fortnight
I wish to close my eyes
And wake up in a time where
The light of joy will rise

Just wake up when it's over
Just wake up when it's done
I wish to not know what happens
Just that I know I won

Again I stand a captive
Waiting to be free
To wake up as someone else
Is truly the wish for me

The double from bell
The double from *****
The start of a vision
The end of a lose

Sometimes the only thought is why
Why did you ask?
Why were you so eager to know?
Why could you not have waited?

I should have waited
Waited for her to tell me when she saw the time fit
Whenever that may have been
If ever had been

It was a stupid question
And I thought id get a funny answer
Humour can hide the pain behind words
And this pain was hidden pretty well
Until now

The answer I got wasn’t funny
It was brute
It was death
It was truth
‘I have once, but I was forced’

The strongest silence and guilt hang over me
Why did you ask?
You wanted her untouched
And you wanted to be the future touch
Not due to gesture
But for the value
The commitment
Now all you have is a stutter and a gaze into the distance which only he controls

As the minutes pass
The hours follow
Still nothing typed
Still no words to reply
But ‘sorry’
Sorry isn’t going to change it
Sorry won’t change your mistake

Your mistake was confidence
And now you have none
No confidence
None to reply to the defenseless ******* the other end

I hate you

Sometimes I sit and wonder if any of this is worth it any more
I’ll sit and think of the bad times that have been
Usually think about the bad time that is happening
And I’ll always think of the bad times to come

It used to be times of golden happiness
Times of gladness and times less vain
But now it seems to be times of suffering
Of regret and now of pain

The ways of the world
Make way for my death

"The greater the Storm,
The brighter the Rainbow"

Even the weather says that
Being rid of you will be a great day

I used to be an angry kid. I'd fight you if you wanted fun.
But as life lingered on, I stopped. And look at what I am today.
I stopped the fights because I'd lose. Afraid of confrontation since.
Because of peace I've lost my heart. I wish I'd fought for you to stay!

A million tears won’t bring you back,
I know because I’ve cried,
A million pleas won’t bring you back,
I know because I’ve tried,
A million tales won’t bring you back
I know because I’ve lied
A million moans won’t bring you back
I know because I’ve sighed
A million thoughts won’t bring you back
I know because I’m tied
A million deaths won’t bring you back
I know because I’ve died

Hearing all these racist words
This ignorant obsession
The only race I'm part of
Is the run to end oppression

Regret is now all that I have

As you were once all that I had

Your smile like the sun
Lighting my way
Showing the path
To love's brightest day

My eyes like the clouds
Pouring out rain
Knowing that you'll
Never love me again

I can feel it rising up
I can feel it becoming a part of me
A waking morning thought
And a soothing night's dream.

Too easily do I end up here
This clifftop peak of potential joy
Too simply do I jump without harness
And too simply do I fall without hope.

All it takes is a smile
A good laugh and a set of *******
Then I'm drawn in  like a dead fish
In the proverbial toilet bowl

It's funny how often I jump
How often I convince myself of reciprocation
But the truth is I'm ugly
Ugly in sight, in conversation and in company

I have a quick wit but a slow start
Silence is a majority in my life
So I choose this time to stop
To walk away before humiliation

She is beautiful, funny, happy
I'm quiet, slow and stiff
She lives with fairies in the clouds
I live with worms in the dirt

So I shall stay here and live
Avoid public announcements and actions
Avoid the weening possibility of joy
For the reality of loneliness

At least here I'm safe

I met an old man years ago
He came knocking on my door
Something seemed familiar
As if I'd seen him once before

A crescent scar upon his nose
And something hidden in his eye
He clawed my face as he collapsed
And held his chest with a deep sigh

In pain and shock I froze until
He spoke in a riddled tongue
"I am you when you were old
And you are me when I was young"

Forty years have passed but now
I fear what comes today
I guess I'll just start knocking
But I know just what I'll say

She's the white to my black
The fun to my gloom
The beauty to my roughness
The redemption to my doom

She's the day to my night
The horse to my cart
The answer to my question
And the key to my heart

She's what I wish I had
And who I wish to be
But as clear as all our differences
She's not the girl for me

She's my antonym
And I'm drawn to her glee
But since she's my opposite
She can't be drawn to me

I cannot place my finger on it
I cannot yet speak the truth
Instead I'll lay the baseline to it
And explain the concept of my youth

As a little boy, fear lead supreme
It held me back from achieving my goal
But now fear is my go-to scheme
By accepting this I gain control

Fear used to make me fight or run
I'd be volatile yet full of drive
But now I channel this loaded gun
And use it to help me survive

This energy comes and sharpens my view
I can focus completely on the task to be done
But before the use of fear sounds new
Let's return to where i begun

Fear, energy, focus and speed
The four main traits of my fixation
Have lead to illness, stress and ****
Because the word is ...
Procrastination

Let Cupid leave me be today
Aim not for me, but far away
Unfog my heart or hit her too
Release me from this state of blue

You know not of the pain you make
Nor of the dreams of joy you take
Presenting the thought of a happy end
And then I awake at the wall of 'friend'

Redraw your bow, you little ****
**** me now and finish it
Enjoy your fame and all your pride
Remiss of all the tears I've cried

COVID.
Another reason to lock the doors and die alone

I know that you've forgiven him,
For beating you at first,
For choking you against that wall,
In that violent outburst.

I've heard you justify his rage,
And play down his abuse,
"He'd had a rough upbringing"
But I reject that excuse!

You say "It only happened once",
You say "I made a stand",
But since that day I see new marks,
And imagine his backhand.

I know that you still love him,
And you've sacrificed so much,
But I fear the day his actions,
Leave you walking with a crutch.

I fear the day he breaks your spirit,
The day he breaks your arm,
The day that its too late to help,
To stop him causing harm.

I know you'd never testify,
Which leaves me with one choice.
To break the one you love because
You will not use your voice.

I know you'll hate and disown me,
You'll scream and push and shove.
Forever I will wait for you
To forgive me too, my love.

As I awake
There's no mistake
I dreamt of you tonight.
Your cheeky grin
Your gentle skin
Your eyes a full delight

You're full of fun
And number one
For beauty on this earth
So **** too
And if you knew
You'd realise your worth

When on my mind
You soon will find
A stiffness start to grow
My breath gets deep
As if I sleep,
My hands start to clench low.

I start to lust
For your sweet bust
Beside me as I lay.
So as I stand
With no day planned
"What you up to today?"

I would rather struggle to live my life
Than make those who care struggle to accept my death


For now

Its cold and its raining
But you've asked to meet once more
I will show up and be there for you
But this has happened before

I'm in the cab and on my way
You let the grateful thanks pour
"(You) couldn't cope without (me)"
But you've said that before

I'm nearly there, but you stop texting
I arrive cold and wet at your door
No answer to my knock, text or call
But you've done this before

The river flowing down the road
As I treat this curb like the shore
Taking a seat with my feet in the ocean
But I've sat here before

An hour has passed and now I must go
I'm soaked and blue to the core
Next time ... next time I'll make it you faster
But we've ... I've been here before