I was alone
With no partner
But I was happy

And then I met you

I had a friend
A new found mate
If only for a short while
As it grew past friendship

The feelings grew
The passion started
And we were together in 'love'

But sadly love never dies
So as the feelings left you
They attached themselves to me

I
Now stronger in love
And you
Have simply forgotten

And now I am alone
As you share the love you once had for me
With him

And I am left to bear the love
The pain
The loneliness

I am alone
With no partner
But now I am sad

Because i met you

When we first started off
Our friendship grew
Quickly
Vastly
And I knew that you were more than my friend

As the sparks began in my heart
You told me of the sparks you felt
My spark grew into a beautiful flame
Almost a reflection of your beauty
Your radiance
And it grew

It took my heart
Making me unable to love another

It took my lungs
As I lost my breath to your presence

And it took my stomach
That I may feel that twitch whenever you were in my mind

But now the fire has spread

Now it has spread like a camp fire made to keep me safe
Safe from the dangers of the wild
But now causing a ferocious blaze around me
And now it has spread to my skin

My body now feels the pain of lost love as you now love another
But as the flame grows on my skin
It intensifies on my inner being

My heart
Now unable to stop loving you

My lungs
Now stopping me from running away from this pain

My stomach
Now failing me as I fail to feed it

But now
It threatens my one sense of security
My mind
Causing pain and misery as it burns away at my memories
The good times, correction, great times that we had
Making them feed on me
Painfully

And now all I have is the memory of lost love
And the painful burn and blaze of regret
And like a forest fire
The only way to put it out is to let it burn
Let it burn its way through a path of destruction
And wait for it to end

Thing is
I think it may end a little too late for my body to ever repair

A true friend never truly dies
Just fades away from physical touch
Spiritually close they'll always stay
So they'll never truly wander much

The distance may seem oh too far
For my human mental state to reach
But i know that you'll be so close
And that, to others, i'll have to teach

You'll never be forgotten Mert
You've clung so deep in all our hearts
Your happy personality
Has spread through all our human parts

I know that saying "bye" is flawed
As you'll be here forever more
But i guess that it is bye until
I see you again at heaven's door

Sometimes the only thought is why
Why did you ask?
Why were you so eager to know?
Why could you not have waited?

I should have waited
Waited for her to tell me when she saw the time fit
Whenever that may have been
If ever had been

It was a stupid question
And I thought id get a funny answer
Humour can hide the pain behind words
And this pain was hidden pretty well
Until now

The answer I got wasn’t funny
It was brute
It was death
It was truth
‘I have once, but I was forced’

The strongest silence and guilt hang over me
Why did you ask?
You wanted her untouched
And you wanted to be the future touch
Not due to gesture
But for the value
The commitment
Now all you have is a stutter and a gaze into the distance which only he controls

As the minutes pass
The hours follow
Still nothing typed
Still no words to reply
But ‘sorry’
Sorry isn’t going to change it
Sorry won’t change your mistake

Your mistake was confidence
And now you have none
No confidence
None to reply to the defenseless ******* the other end

I hate you

I seem to remember everything
Even what i want forgotten

Even what i want hidden
Even what i want destroyed

And i remember those more
Than i do the beauties

Those God given moments
That i will never truly forget

But now i can't distinguish
Between the Goods and Bads

The Love and Fear
The truth behind my broken heart

The truth that never hides
And i want it forgotten

Happiness
Having a good health
And having a bad memory

‘Love’ is just a made up word
But the feeling which is defined by love
That is something more than four letters
More than two vowels and two consonants
More than anything that can be described with words

Then why is it so hard to keep it in?
Why do I have to cause troubles and problems
When I have to verbally announce the feeling of …
… Of it
… Of ‘love’
Of the feeling deep inside that cannot be worded.
Yet needs the presence of wordings and descriptions
To keep it going
To keep it living

To keep me crying

I want to just apologise
But then it’s all in vein.
I want to show her, I’m still here
But I’ll be stuck again.

I want to tell her she looks great
But she’ll ignore my words.
I want to tell her how I feel
And let free these fluttering birds.

I want to just be back to mates
And pass the anger by.
I want to be the loser her,
And quit by saying … “Hi”.

ME:
A long dark day precedes a long dark night
I've lost to fear, I've lost to freight
Come courage, stength, or even might
I've lost the battle. No will to fight

TR:
Until the day of battles Dawn,
Where we fight together in this war.
For our fallen brothers we shall mourn,
And pray that tomorrow will bring something more.

ME:
But as fighting lives, our brothers die.
Come sword or bow, our time is nigh,
The one escape, towards the sky.
We must craft wings, that we may fly

TR:
When that day comes, we shall escape this torment,
And begin our own ethereal accent.
Until that time brother, we know only death,
But we shall fight until the very last breath.

ME:
But if we escape, is there such thing as life?
Or will it forever be pain and strife?
Until the day of the reaper's scythe,
We shall be mated with a clock as our wife.

TR:
Death is absolute,
Live on dear brother light comes,
Fight until dawn breaks.

ME:
Lights of hope, or lights of fire?
Glowing deep within desire.
The wants and needs of our bodies expire,
As I'm left to hang on a double-striped* wire

No matter what I do
How I try to be successful
I always seem to fall

I’ll try and jump,
To climb,
Even barely scrape the edge.
No success

I want to succeed,
To win,
To leap and fly
But that’s not how im made

I want to be this thing that im not
And I want it so badly that im telling myself no
If I try I will fail, so why try

Well, why not try
Why not jump for the disappearing ledge
Why not shoot for the goal
Knowing that its in the opposite direction

I’m leaping now
To reach the stars
To win the lost game
… Just to fail again

the moon brings life
to the wolf and owl
and it brings out the joy
of the midnight fowl

it lights up the night
like the sun does the day
its brightness for some
is just the only way

its beauty surrounded
by the dark dark night
and the stories make kids
feel nothing but freight

and the people believe
we should sleep while its out
and miss the true feeling
that the moons all about

Whenever I’m left on my own
The silence tells me things
“Think of this! Now think of that
And all the pain it brings!”
It never sets a happy task
It’ll set me one that stings
It’ll set me one that hovers round
And laughs with wretched wings.

The silent moth that flusters by
Just whispers to my brain
“Oh, there is not one single thing,
That in life you will gain.
You are not meant to be happy
That’s why I’m here again.
To turn all of your good feelings
To those of hurt and pain.”

I cannot blot the silence out
It enters and it feeds
And as it stays it starts to nest
And starts to spread its seeds.
The silence grows and needs my love
To help it stretch its weeds.
“You cannot stop the feeling of love”
It says as my heart bleeds.

I do not love the silence, no!
That’s not the love it takes
It takes the love I have for those
Who would put my heart on stakes.
Of those that I’ve had feelings for
And just like giant snakes
Has slivered round and tempted me
To make some big mistakes.

But now it gets more serious
As the seeds now start to grow
The silence is with me always
No matter where I go
And even as I go on out
In sun, rain, wind or snow
The silence comes and plays again
And lets these feelings show

“You cannot run, you cannot hide
For I am part of you
I am not heard by other men,
I do not stay in view.
I linger on your petty heart
Yet linger under too.
And as you try to carry on
I’ll be here, stuck like glue.”

I wondered if it soon would go
If ever I’d be free
But then I thought of how it feeds
And cried so dreadfully
I wished I could just drown it out
But I’d tried that. Can’t you see?
I have these feelings that I can’t shake
And they’ll be the end of me.

I saw your eyes.
My heart was struck
With a glory of love and peace
That sanctified moment I’ve kept until now

I stood back
Hoping you’d notice me
Hoping that what they said about true love
Was true

One day I was told that angels were on clouds
That heaven was a place above the sky
Hidden behind the clouds above me
And I was beneath it

But I was alright here
I was at a safe place
I was above sadness

But I was below happiness with you
I couldn’t ever be happy here
I realised that I couldn’t stay here for much longer

I had to jump
To reach you
To reach love
In hope of finding it
But this view of true love wasn’t true

You pushed me off
Let me drop
That you could lie with him
That vile thing which searches for lust
A demon
Like you are now

Now im falling
And have passed that level of safety I was once on
Falling lower and lower
Eventually I will reach the bottom
The bottom of the eternal fall
Turning evil from within
Joining him
Joining you

But this time it will be against my will
I will hate the thought of it
As I hate the thought of falling now
And that sanctified moment
Which I kept from the very moment I met you
Will be
Is being
Has been destroyed

The eternal lie filled fact,
That all fall for at some time or other
which is
Love

I’ve learnt that it hurts
That it is a lie
But others have not
And I cannot see why they carry on
Trying to win
The useless game of
Love

I’ve learnt about hoping
Jumping for the best
And falling below satisfaction
To a point of pain and despair
But I’ve learnt how to carry on
How to slowly crawl back up to the safe place
Away from the painful myth of
Love

And every time I regret it
The jump that caused the fall
The pain, the destruction within me
Caused by something else,
Love

But I am not like the others
I can realise the stupid fact
I’m addicted to the jumping
The hoping for a better place and feeling
The need of feeling better within myself
And making them feel better too,
Love

I need that feeling
I know the pains and lies
But I want to win the unbeatable game
To be higher than now
Higher than I’ve ever been
On a wonderful set
Love

Yet I am also clever enough to see
To see that what goes up
Has to come down
And will carry on down until rock bottom
Just to fall again, further down
And all because of that faithful jump
That leap of unnecessary need
Love

Not this time
It won’t happen again
I want it to
And I don’t want it to
I want the perks
But the contract is flawed
Made for the personal satisfaction of the others
Love

This time I can guarantee
I’m jumping for something I can
Something that I can achieve
Something that is not too hopeless
Something where I can be happy
And not feel the drop
The ultimate low
Love

This is different
I can feel it literally leaving my veins as I speak
This really isn’t like love
Unlike anything I’ve ever felt
Even different than the living of this discontinued life
Death

They ******* up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****** up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

I can't forget the good days
Whenever I see you
Think of you
They flash back with a magnificent glow
I wish we could go back one day
Yeah, these days are good
The hinting
The poking
It's all fun and great
But it's not the same

Once upon a time when I looked into your eyes
You'd look back and smile
As if happiness itself was there
Living
Loving
Like i loved you
Love you
And i miss them days

The days where we'd hug and it would mean something
Not just a goodbye
More like a hello to something else
We'd hug and actually hug
No slide
No push away
No forced prolongment
Just happiness

When I'd send a ':*' and you'd reply with one
And when you'd send me one with any other intent but making josh jealous
Those days were good
But they've gone
And I can't forget them

For once I'm seeing facts, no idealistic thoughts
The dreams continue
Staying awake is the only way to stay safe
I know I want her
Need her
But I can't show her
It's not what she needs
So it's not what I want

Risking upsetting her
Something I rarely want to do
Rarely can do
And it tears me apart as I want an unachievable status
Happiness with her

But that's a contradiction
Her being happy
And her being with me
They can't happen at the same time
And her coming happy comes before me being happy


And it always will

The double from bell
The double from *****
The start of a vision
The end of a lose

The rain from above
The wind in the trees
What a beautiful day
With a beautiful breeze

My love for you
Is strong and grand
And yet it makes me
Weak and bland

My love for you
Is pure and clear
And makes me feel
No 'mild' fear

My love for you
Has been opaque
But yet feels like
My worst mistake

The smiles on my face hardly show whats inside
The laugh
The grin
The slowly fading smile
They show the happiness that i do not possess

This happiness
Created
Morphed
Twisted for the good and satisfaction of others
But inside
The pain and sadness are uncontrollable

Yeah,
I can control the outside
I've learnt that trick
So teachers and friends stop the questions
The reflective comments
Which lead me into a world of pain and sadness
The world where my inside comes out
The world where shrinks and counsellors analyse
Debate
And break the vows of privacy, which they swear to, for our own safety

I'd rather be hurting in silence anyway
I'd rather that than complain
Bringing others down
No need
No point
No reason to upset the people of today
With the problems
Struggles
Battles of my heart and mind

But sooner or later
It always shows
The true feelings of mine
Hidden on a daily basis
Hidden for the protection of others
But eventually they take breathe
Like a drowning whale after a long deep swim

When i'm alone
When i have time to think
And no-one to help me stop
Thats when the pains show themselves
To me
To anyone around that cares
So, to no-one else
Because no-one cares

And so,
Like a prophesied event,
A prophesied lifestyle of choice and regret,
The pain of love
The ever known 'rhetorical'
Just simply wins again

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live every second until you die

Time will pass and new times will come
And things, with time, will mostly fade
The times have passed for millions of years
Why, about this, would you be afraid?

Whether all i have is two days, two weeks,
Or if its still a month or two,
I say i should just live it out
And focus on my love for you

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live EVERY SECOND until you die!

There once was a boy
Who would live day to day,
He tried not to trouble
Anyone on his way,
Whatever he did,
Whatever he'd say,
He only wanted a good time
Doing what he may.

But there was always that group
Who made his time bad,
They took all the fun
And turned it so sad,
He tried telling his mum,
He tried telling his dad,
But they wouldn't listen
To this young bullied lad.

He never went a day
That sad little boy,
Without feeling that he
Was their little punch toy,
He wished every day
He could stay full of joy,
Instead of that Ian,
That Andrew, that Roy.

He wished that they'd stop it,
He wished that they would,
He knew who it was
Even with their black hoods,
They thought they were cool,
They thought they were good,
They pointed and laughed,
I don't know how they could.

They finally stopped it
Everyone could see
They didn't stop it
Because they were sorry,
They only stopped it
Because he let it all free

There that boy crying
That little boy was me.

They called me pathetic
Pathetic for having pity and slight compassion for my enemy
I wanted to ****
But I chose the only way of life
I wanted to harm
But I chose the only way of peace
And this “… really pathetic way …”
Was now against me in two ways
The aggravation of my peers
The twisted thoughts of my own mind
Working together and apart in a way that gives me what I want
Yet what I never want to happen

It turns me inside out and causes pain
Pain which I cannot block with the softness of my skin
But accept with my gut and heart and all that makes me
I want to be free of pain
But sometimes the only way out is just less pain
But always pain
Never happiness
Just less pain than the other way

I’m testing a painless way
But with the help of my friends
It becomes more painful than the painful way
How are these friends that help me into pain
And expect me to take the way that hurts me most
And hurts their friend physically too?
I cant risk causing or creating any pain
Not again

Four years have passed and ive kept my calm
Four years of thinking through
Four years of doing actions that always seek to impress everyone
Even against my own happiness
I’d rather make everyone happy
That way I can be seen as nice and funny
But the way I need to go
The way I am going
I cant be nice and friendly
I know that
But I will stay on the pain freeway
For as long as I can
Until the nearest service station comes and I can
As it were
Grab some help
Before I arrive at my final destination

Turning up
To the point that I need to be avoiding
That’s something I know will happen
And what everyone seems to want to happen
Even the enemies
But little do they know
Little does anyone understand
There will be trouble
Too much trouble to comprehend
And to apologise for after
A way to stop the sorry
Is to stop the action
If I don’t do anything wrong I cant be accused of it

I’m just trying to get by
Even if It means without friends
Without the best parts of my life
I just need to be driving along
And carrying on
For the good of everyone else
Even my enemies

And they call me pathetic

The perfect closing of her eyes
As she leans to start the kiss
And as it starts, I start to think
I’ll never forget this

So long my hearts been controlling
As ive wanted to make a move
And now this randomly happens
Her lips so soft and so smooth

Her head was bobbing up and down
To make the kiss last so long
I would have said the perfect kiss
I couldn’t have been more wrong

The only flaw to this great kiss
That tears my heart into three
Is that through all this wondrous time
She was kissing him, not me

As I sit here in a room full of students
I watch and observe all the conversations they make
Some are working, and some are chatting nicely
Some in general gossip and others about loves mistake

I can distinguish the difference between each conversation
I can hear the voices separating the football from the flirt
But yet, it all seems to be one big mix of noise
That reminds me of some type of global dirt

These voices and conversations gather around my head and ears
The silent whizzing of noise has hold of my mind
Instead of shouting “stop”, and joining their noise
I slowly put on my headphones, just to be kind

As I mask the sound of gossip, love and sport
I focus more on the noises which I have chosen to be played
The clashing of drums, the tinkering piano and flute
With un-matching vocal of how enemies should be slayed

As I listen to this song, I focus on the room around me
Everyone that was here before was still here
The gossiping groups were still laughing and joking
And the heart-struck teen still shedding a tear

The difference in this was that it seemed silent as space
As if they had all taken part in an unrehearsed mime
Uncontrolled, unordered, so random, yet so distinctly real
Hidden behind my music for this moment in time

As the song slowly came to an end and switched onto the next
That 2 seconds that accompanied my timeless zone
I heard the blur of their previous chatter and talk
The world had continued, and I’d been left alone

I’d been taken from the world I knew for a brief moment
And as I felt like this new silent world wasn’t true
My next song of chattering metals and drumrolls started
This world had returned to me and it was new.

I didn’t know how to react to this realisation
Of a different dimension that my music sends.
How long until I’d figure out where I am?

I guess I’ll have to wait until this song ends.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if any of this is worth it any more
I’ll sit and think of the bad times that have been
Usually think about the bad time that is happening
And I’ll always think of the bad times to come

It used to be times of golden happiness
Times of gladness and times less vain
But now it seems to be times of suffering
Of regret and now of pain

My closest friend, my trusted mate,
Good times have come and gone,
And even though you lie there still,
I promise I’ll stay strong.

I promise that I’ll climb that tree,
And paint that fence green too,
And then I’ll go and make that ramp,
Just like we said we’d do.

I’ll stand up to them big bullies,
‘coz you’ll be by my side,
We’ll show them who the chickens are,
And take away their pride.

And by the way I brought you these,
My dad said that I could,
I brought you these new fizzy sweets,
They really do taste good.

They all tell me that you have gone,
That you’ve gone far away,
But I know that you’re buried here,
And they’ll learn that one day.

I really do miss you, you know,
I wish you didn’t die,
I wish that we had much more time,
I’ve got to go now. Bye.

A long dark day precedes a long dark night
Ive lost to fear, ive lost to freight
Come courage or strength or even might
Ive lost the battle, no will to fight.

Just when things get back on track
Just when all cards are in the pack
When all the games are good and done
Another starts and makes me run

I cant escape this losing streak
I can’t escape because I’m weak
I want to win and finish life
Without the pain and grief and strife

The autumn days where leaves are red
All on the floor so nicely spread
Were when I first had seen through eye
Her beauty as she walked straight by.
On Halloween where all saw dread
When little kids went all to tread
That’s when my heart wanted to try
And introduce by saying hi

Three months went past and winter came
As snowflakes drop not two the same
It was now that id start to sigh
Until I rose a man on high
Now at the time of Christmas fame
Where Santa comes and knows your name
She came to me with Christmas pie
Then I announced my love – no lie

Then in the spring with plants and birds
With many flocks, with many herds
On that green hill we’d talk and lie
Just nodding and not asking why
That beauty scene no way to word
The fields splitting to perfect thirds
‘Twas then I wished that I could fly
But no, we’d heard her time was nigh

The summer heat roasting us all
With often winds keeping us cool
It came about that she would die
And no-one there could stop my cry
While some were at the swimming pool
And some were shopping at the mall
My bleeding veins were turning dry
There in the grave lay her and I.

A million tears won’t bring you back,
I know because I’ve cried,
A million pleas won’t bring you back,
I know because I’ve tried,
A million tales won’t bring you back
I know because I’ve lied
A million moans won’t bring you back
I know because I’ve sighed
A million thoughts won’t bring you back
I know because I’m tied
A million deaths won’t bring you back
I know because I’ve died

I woke up this morning and thought of my friend,
And I thought of the day we had planned,
Everything just made sense, but little I knew,
Of the day and its troubles at hand.

I met her at 12 on the hour exact,
And we started to chat as we left,
We talked about jobs and stereotypes,
Hinting about things other than theft.

As the day passed us by I started to feel
Something growing from inside my soul
I woke up thinking of her as a friend,
But now shed become my hearts goal.

I had always noticed her beautiful face,
But as we walked for mile upon mile,
I started to see that I like her a bit,
And that I love her beautiful smile.

Watching those two
Happiness and Envy
The green-eyed monster attacks me
And I am left defenseless against a force I will never attack

The smiles and cuddles
The trust and passion,
I wish I could console them all within my heart and life
But I cannot get grip
I cannot hold on to the sparks of my former self’s heart
And I am left as cold as the unlit fireplace

But something stirs
The spark within myself is starting to reheat my body
To reheat the passion and trust I once had
Then it hits me

The fact that I cannot truly love
That I cannot truly have passion
I cannot truly be in love
Because I cannot be loved

This hideous monster
The thing many hearts have wisely shut out
The thing that loves like a hunchback Quasimodo
And needs its Esmerelda to set it free from its isolation and pain

But she is long in the future
And all I can do is wait
Wait through the pain of happiness
And the pain of envy
The green-eyed monster attacks me
And I am left defenseless against a force I will never attack

My unknowing wife my unknowing bride
I’ve dreamt of approaching and asking thee
If ever a time you’d be by my side
And oh if ever there could be a we
I’ve dreamt of a day that mine would be yours
I’ve dreamt of that time when I’ll take a knee
I’ve dreamt of that walk through those old church doors
I’ve dreamt of a time that baby makes three
I’m dreaming of things I know won’t come true
I’m dreaming of times that I know won’t be
The dream of a life that I have with you
The chance of a spouse I no longer see
Now that I’ve awoken I now agree
The dream of this world is just not for me

The time my eyes,
Had first set sight,
On the wonder that you are,
So full was I,
Full of delight,
At the wonder that you are.

My head so weak,
My heart so strong,
For the wonder that you are,
I have tried to seek,
For something wrong,
In the wonder that you are.

My heart now hums,
Now when it sees,
All the wonder that you are,
The feeling comes,
And gives wobbly knees
At the wonder that you are.

I want to know,
What I would feel,
To be the wonder that you are,
I wish all but a foe,
Would come and kneel,
To the wonder that you are.

I know the pain,
that’s caused by me,
not the wonder that you are,
not said in vain,
but I wish I could be,
with the wonder that you are.

Times I want to jump and fly
Fly above the world and soar

Times I seem to breathe and sigh
Heavy chested like a snore

Times I want to fight and try
As I live through times of war

Times I seem to mock and lie
Throwing truths right out the door

Times I seem to burn and dry
And get refilled through open pore

Times I want to sit and cry
And crouch up small upon the floor

Times I seem to fizzle and fry
As some just want to eat some more

Times I want to cut and die
And let the blood slowly pour