time was spent
writing and in that
I thought
it's been a while



I was counting down the years
looking at my fingers
two hands not enough to contain
all of it



a palm full of life
two palms full of life
three... and
(well, I'd reverse or continue
but my age
should remain a secret)

but after so many handfuls
there were some more
maybe too many
maybe not much or perhaps
were there any?



some palmfuls of life
and I realize
that maybe I need to
be a little kinder



looking past the now
remaining stuck in fear
fear of what may come
what may be said



I realize that is not good
not healthy
and I wish that above all else
I regain my strength to live
as fully as I wish
as fully as I want to be remembered



but it is hard
and I know it takes time patience skill
to bring everything I have
up to the standard I want to reach



so I stay clustered in my room
preparing myself
rejuvenating myself
re-motivating myself
to try
be better than who I am



apparently motivation is like showering
so it's something that needs to be pursued
not done once and forgotten forever

I thought terribly hard of all the things

I wanted to say in the spaces of your time and mine

my heart rushes ahead of all the things I want to type out and

the time spent crafting my life journey

pathetic as it was

sad and stupid as it was

in the memory of my life

I dedicate it to myself

as something I deserve to have done for myself

not subjecting anyone else to my whining

my feeling sorry for myself and

trying to escape this feeling sorry,

feeling bad for and about

myself





this was my act of selfishness-

one of many I must admit-

however there is something to be said

about taking out for no one

but myself

and in a heartbeat, my life,

continues



no-one needs judge

this is my ode to myself

the floor digging into curves
i did not know by body had
with my body curving absurd
my hands full of realization
that my shapes are awry
off-the-mark

my legs sit ahead
lax tired filled with exhaustion
of not enough miles walked
enough sitting around day
to day and working on
support of my sitting body

i feel sorry to have taken
away their purpose
a life should be better
lived but it's owner
weary and filled
with excuses

works day and night
on sitting or sleeping
not doing much but
just a floater
focused on
a sky always cloudy

a pathetic soul
one of many
just a sad sad soul
in its generalizing
with the many
and the soul has no
shine

but hit escape
life has its
own rhythm and groove

but the groove that once
made itself known
seeps into the silence of
trees, nights, stars
rarely seen

words barely written
unartistic
unassuming
arbitrary
uninteresting
invisible

­screaming heart
quietens under
burden of
weightlessness
of existence

all i wanted was to lie in a pool of sunshine
so hot i could barely breathe, dream or think
ripping them away like crunchy autumn leaves
falling from trees in gusts of strong winds
i wanted to be engulfed in a hot pool
so hot i have difficulty breathing
and my clothes get covered in sweat
this uncomfortable heat and brightness
cruel in its desensitization but also
a mercy for my brain which churns and pivots
bouncing around thoughts and dreams which
make me wish for sleep and then hate sleep
wish i could run run and lie in pools of
molten sunshine burning my skin to the bones
so i can perhaps breathe for five minutes
without a weight on my chest
a crick in my neck tightness in my back
surprising liquid on my face
where does it come from?
what is its purpose?
where does it go?
all evaporate in this stupid pool of garbage
sunshine and i

i can pretend my heart does not beat blood
my presence matters
i am not sad
not contemplating numerous ways to die
in the spaces between my thoughts and dreams
in my thoughts and dreams

i remember and i forget hoping

hope kills and love dies
belief lies and relationships burn
a hollowness a cavity

there is sadness and there is a rhythm
but i
do not remember the paths i tread
following these endless roads to that rhythm
i once had
where is it now?
what is its purpose?
where does it go?

i lie in embarassment and bashfulness
dance around to pretend that love never dies
relationships soothe and hope survives

but in that pool of sunshine
half-truths and half-lies
concepts of gray do not exist in
pure bright white blue
hotness
so i wanted to burn for a bit
let my bones get some air
so my tears can evaporate
the moment they escape
so i can continue saying
my heart does not feel
my heart does not exist

i wonder if anyone
ever feared the butterfly
receding into its cocoon

walls smooth as silk
closing in,
it sheds its wings
and emerges
a caterpillar once more
a backwards metamorphosis

a butterfly
that no longer craved flight,
overwhelmed by the blue
it sank.

i feel scared, love
my heart hurts
love
i want to clamber into your lap,
love
the way i never did when i was two
i want to sit in your pool of warmth
and be drowned by the rough timbre of your voice
as i count down my fears and cry
because love
i am so terrified

but this world does not look familiar
and i
i'm losing sight
drowning
d r o w n i n g
in this ocean of work
a cross between my shoulder blades

a memory at my lips
scars along my wrists
i am so scared my love

and i find myself mumbling numbers
i should not
talking about deals
talking
c r a z y,
love

i am scared
and i cannot clamber into your lap
because i am no longer two
and i do not have love, love

End of the street
Face hidden in shadows
Body cloaked by darkness
A stick
Thick stick in hand
And his eyes shown
Shining white
Crystal white
Across the road
Piercing into my vision

I halted hands shaking
Holding up my phone
Like it could ward off anything

This apparition stared into my eyes
I could not hear anything
And he did not make a single move

I thought
- ****, I should've listened
And **** is this really happening?

A part of me giving in

This is inevitable
- I thought

It had happened to so many
I knew and
I knew
How easily it could happen
And I walked

And as I walked past him
I held up my phone to my face
At the ready to start running and
Fight

Adrenaline at peek

He mouthed words at me
I could not hear them

I passed him by and he did not
Make a move towards me

I looked back to make sure
He did not move and then
Saw another sharp crystal
Pair of eyes looking
This time
Somewhere besides myself

And I saw man and beast
A cat crouched
A man ready with stick
Staring into each other's eyes

Pondering the unknown
I walked faster as I saw
The man move a bit

They continued to be locked on each other

Apparitions of the night
The strange, the mythical
Who am I to say what happened
Maybe it never happened

But my hands shook and were cold
And now I think but I know
I will travel the same road tomorrow and the day after

It is the way I take home
and No Man
Will stand in my way

I fight
And will fight

It is my right to walk
There, if I wish
And I will walk there

Not a brave martyr
Just a tired soul
Taking the faster way home