i wonder if anyone
ever feared the butterfly
receding into its cocoon

walls smooth as silk
closing in,
it sheds its wings
and emerges
a caterpillar once more
a backwards metamorphosis

a butterfly
that no longer craved flight,
overwhelmed by the blue
it sank.

i feel scared, love
my heart hurts
love
i want to clamber into your lap,
love
the way i never did when i was two
i want to sit in your pool of warmth
and be drowned by the rough timbre of your voice
as i count down my fears and cry
because love
i am so terrified

but this world does not look familiar
and i
i'm losing sight
drowning
d r o w n i n g
in this ocean of work
a cross between my shoulder blades

a memory at my lips
scars along my wrists
i am so scared my love

and i find myself mumbling numbers
i should not
talking about deals
talking
c r a z y,
love

i am scared
and i cannot clamber into your lap
because i am no longer two
and i do not have love, love

End of the street
Face hidden in shadows
Body cloaked by darkness
A stick
Thick stick in hand
And his eyes shown
Shining white
Crystal white
Across the road
Piercing into my vision

I halted hands shaking
Holding up my phone
Like it could ward off anything

This apparition stared into my eyes
I could not hear anything
And he did not make a single move

I thought
- ****, I should've listened
And **** is this really happening?

A part of me giving in

This is inevitable
- I thought

It had happened to so many
I knew and
I knew
How easily it could happen
And I walked

And as I walked past him
I held up my phone to my face
At the ready to start running and
Fight

Adrenaline at peek

He mouthed words at me
I could not hear them

I passed him by and he did not
Make a move towards me

I looked back to make sure
He did not move and then
Saw another sharp crystal
Pair of eyes looking
This time
Somewhere besides myself

And I saw man and beast
A cat crouched
A man ready with stick
Staring into each other's eyes

Pondering the unknown
I walked faster as I saw
The man move a bit

They continued to be locked on each other

Apparitions of the night
The strange, the mythical
Who am I to say what happened
Maybe it never happened

But my hands shook and were cold
And now I think but I know
I will travel the same road tomorrow and the day after

It is the way I take home
and No Man
Will stand in my way

I fight
And will fight

It is my right to walk
There, if I wish
And I will walk there

Not a brave martyr
Just a tired soul
Taking the faster way home

my throat is stuck on something these days
my ears do not listen to songs these days
my eyes refuse to focus in on things these days
fingers clench up, my knees freeze, the voice in my head is quite, this stomach is left without desire, mouth lags gaping around food, sleep an unwelcome stranger, work is welcomed- more more more, the world seems colorless, as if a grey filter hides everything
....
why are the faces all the same? can i throw up? i just want to get all this out my gut

i dry-heave sitting in chairs, looking at people i cannot tell the difference between

is there something i can take to make this better?

there is something in me
that tries to get out

and i like how sylvia ended her life
'baked to death'
- sounds fun

it seems like an interesting time

what is the point

i struggle to understand

i want to cry and cry
and never stop

but i tire with the thought
so i stop right there

and all i want to do
is sleep on
your floor of still hopes and dreams
stare at the walls of nightlight
and skies still reflecting the moon and the stars

then look up at the infinitely dark ceiling of sound sleep

without thoughts of tomorrow and baking and living and points being lobbied like endless ping pong ***** around my head

something in my world broke
- i sometimes think to myself

i don't feel very young sometimes

i feel i have lived a thousand lives
and


and
i don't know if this is the way i'm supposed to feel

i feel empty and lifeless
like i can't hold a conversation
these days
not small
not big

i don't think i'm very interesting
or young
these days

maybe i never was?

i'm trying to think through the static
and my eyes don't focus right
but i was wondering
what it meant to feel hungry

or just tell someone how i feel

i
can't
remember
the last
time
i was
honest
about
how i
felt

and
i
don't
...
know

it's been
...
a while
...

hello, hello?

my thoughts resound in my head