I sent a relauntant "yes" after letting you sweat for awhile. It wasn't punishment but I hope it hurt.
Then after what felt like forever there you were. It hurt.

I'm still shocked by how tall you are. Even after all these years. You wore the old cardigan my cigarette burnt through 9 years ago. It was closed and an old band shirt poked through it. Your hair a bit more gray curled on end. My mind wanted to linger on the ends and I had to order it to stop and concentrate on putting one leg in front of another.

I walked toward you and then veered toward the passenger side of the car to avoid the awkward hug ex lovers pretending to be friends do. **** it if you don't follow to reach over me and open the car door. I turned my face up toward yours and my eyes locked on your mouth. And, again that hurt. Like physically hurt my every cell.

"Thank you for seeing me." Your mouth said. I only nodded as you shut the door behind me and tried not to watch you walk around to the drivers seat.

You were in my town and so I guided you to the nearest interstate. And, then we didn't speak. I saw your hand on the gear shift between us, your long fingers twitching. I knew you were eager touch me. I knew you were afraid to.

You were the brave one. Giving my knee a pat and asking me about the kids and dog.

And, then we were there. Your large hand on the the small of my back,
We entered a world more suited to you. A hotel with five stars in it's advert. Nowhere I could be without you. We went through the motions. You politely speaking to the woman at the desk and then returning to take my hand in yours.
My hands always feel small in yours. Our fingers link and your thumb caresses me as it always has. Like the day we met. When you lingered too long in a handshake. You led me to the elevator.
And, as we reached the top floor you had the audacity to lift our entwined hands to your mouth and skim your lips across my knuckles. You ******* *******. Don't you dare remind me I am yours.

There was a few thousand mile long steps from the elevator to your room. We couldn't get there quick enough but were too cool to run. You opened the door and I walked passed you to the large window that over looked a familiar city but I'd never seen it from a place like this.

I felt you come near. I can always feel you before we even touch. You gently pressed your lips on my bare shoulder and I swear my dead heart came to life. For a second I almost forgot you were the one that killed it.

No. I turned and  looked up into the face I and so many women loved. I was prepared to be a *****. To yell. To cry. Instead I tore at your clothes.

You hissed more than once as I sank teeth and claws into long lean muscle covered in tattoos. You said my name. Begging me to stop. To listen to you. To let you tell me how much you missed me. I'd heard all this ******* before.

I left you there to hide in the bathroom. I looked at myself there. Naked in a bathroom nicer than my apartment. My face was flushed my chest blotchy and red.
Finally your words came through the thin bathroom door.

"Please. Let me in."
It wasn't locked. But, I said nothing.
The door opened slightly and then more. My blue eyes met your honey brown in the mirror.

You came to me wrapping your long arms around me and kissing my shoulders and neck moving my length of copper as you pleased. I felt my defenses crumble.  I was helpless to what we are and always have been.   I, then watched my own mouth gap open as your talented hands slid down. I melted into a puddle onto cold granite. My cheek pressed against the mirror your fingers slid between wet thighs and you slipped into me from behind. Filling me. I can only scream and moan as you get to speak. You ******* *******.

"I love you. Oh my god I ******* love you." You cry on repeat.

That's somehow less romantic as you pound the holy hell out me after crushing my heart last time we were alone.

Hours of this and then you have the ******* nerve to hold me, caress me, and kiss the top of my head? I hate you. I hate myself for this.

After I have ****** that beautiful bottom lip enough I may tell you how much.

*******, Rock star. Let me give you yet another hit single.

You will not sink me.
No no no.
Call out all you want
I will defend what is mine.
I'll sink you before you can destroy me.
You will see.
You will learn.
I'm not that easily sunk.
I say this too soon as my lips reluctantly part.
You've sunk my battleship
The pieces then fly red and white into the air to then rain down upon us.
You stare down at my clenched fist amongst the many ships once in order
Once in line.
And, I ask the question that hangs in the air
How can we be friends when your strategy is to destroy my fleet?
You say it's just a game.
Just a game?
Just a game?!
Am I some sort of loser to you?
I leave you to clean up the tiny plastic pieces of our relationship.
Your last words ring in my ears.
Eat a Snickers, Man

Somewhere between the next city and the last we lay
Entwined in hair
And spit
And sweat
And ***

You reach for me
My body instinctively responds
Magnets we are.
Your fingertips dance playfully up and down
The curves of me.
I laugh and forget for a moment
You leave.

You always leave

I can't wait to fall asleep because when I do you are not across the country. You are with me in the places we once were.

In that hammock by the lake making up fake names for stars.
On that bench outside the Ice cream shoppe watching people and licking the sticky from our fingers.
In dozens of hotel rooms and arenas against the closed door, Your wide mouth hungry and brutal. Your hands greedy and knowledgeable.

In dreams the complications are gone. The goodbyes not said. The hurt isn't there.  

In dreams are where you say the things you haven't when we are wide awake. The things that could fix us if you really wanted us to be fixed.

Sometimes in dreams it is just your face. Those amber eyes on me. So intense filled with hurt, need, and desire.  That mouth so wide and ****. It parts and art pours out. I know what it can do. I know how dangerous it is and yet always arch up toward it. The smile sometimes more of a smirk because you know how pretty a man you are. And, when that smile is full a double row of smile lines appear across that face i know so well. In a full room all eyes fall on you but when we are alone that smile is just mine. In dreams it doesn't fade. Your voice doesn't shake. The promises are never spoken so could never be broken.

Alarm clocks are a cruel reminder that we may never have that again. We may never be able to fix us. Because, it takes more than pretty words from your too pretty mouth to make the real things last.

A little girl sits
unheard
unseen

She watches the others play
laugh
compete

Their voices fill the air
in the distance a dog barks
Beneath her cool grass

She doesn't have friends.
She doesn't know how to be one.

They don't include her.
They try not to glance her way.

She is different,
She is weird.
So, they pretend she's not there.

I see you, little girl.
I was you.
Unheard, unseen.

What they don't know is the world inside
your head is greater than this one.
Your imagination will take you places beyond this.

Your strength will **** out the weak.
Your unique self will inspire those deserving to know you.

You aren't invisible to the right people.
I see you.
I love you.
We are Autism strong.

I guess we are friends now.
We used to be that and more.

You used to move in me and I praised
God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost, too.

I know I will see you again.
I know I will stand in the crowd and
look up at you as you make them all love you.

You will know I am  there whether I tell you or not,
whether you read this and know.
You know me.
I know you.
I know you will feel me the moment you cross that imaginary line into my home state.

What happens if I walk on back beyond the crowd and make my way through those
who know? Would you know I was coming before I got to you? Would they play telephone
and would you be there waiting with a lump in your throat?

What then when I walk in and your friends clear the room?
What then, Pal?

Summer alone? The fall brings you here. Bring your mouth.

I feel you there in the place with electric trees.
You are playing games, making casseroles, and sometimes thinking about me.

I type the words and wonder if you're watching the dots bounce and then I retreat.
Backspace.
No, I can't. I need to leave you alone to heal.

I picture you in the tub.
Candle lit and octopus shadow cast on your ceiling.
I wonder if you ever sink down beneath the water to drown me out for just a moment.


For a moment I don't think about you. I am fine. And, then there you are.
A comment online not even directed my way.
Seen. Lingered over and then I scroll on.

I argue with myself and make bargians with the you in my imagination.
Would the real you be receptive?
Maybe?
But, we would just be kidding ourselves again.

Maybe we never should had started?
We knew the risk.
We discussed them all in detail.
We both stepped into this eyes wide open.

But, would I do it again?
Maybe.
Would you?
Maybe.

And, then I remember how you kiss me as if one of us is off to war.
How you smell me when you think I don't notice.
How, your blue eyes run hot when you are inside me.
And. I know I would.
I wouldn't give those moments away just because it hurts now.
I'd still chose you even if I knew I would be losing you soon after.

I'm either stupid or romantic.
Well, let's admit I am both.

Know this,
Every time I pass the electric trees
-for the rest of my years-
I will remember us there.
Moaning, laughing, snoring.