it starts with your name
lay me down
so we can begin again
i kneel by your side
like a practice at the pulpit
swallowing whole sins you may have owned
beforehand
i stare straight past
all we have seen
because i want to believe
there's a lot more left
for you and i
so, show me this time
while i'm on the floor
while you have me
undivided, unhinged
knees bent toward
all my love for you
what it is
i just can't live without

you
slept
beside me
for some time
young thing next to an younger thing
our bodies amassed
our heads unbowed
you
left
me with questions
i'll never have answered
our hearts tethered
our hearts in passing
you
regret?
that is a question.
i am asking you because i cannot assume another fact
when it comes to you darling
see,
there's nothing left.
so this I wonder
tonight
most nights
if it's something you regret.
and if so, what exactly you will do with that.

you and i
should never leave the bedside
stuck to my left hip
i carve petals out of your rib
and finger the emblem
of knowing
this is love

i stared at a photo of you today
black and white
you were holding a rifle
you looked insane
i wondered what you were thinking
as you stood there
if you had a lover of your own
if you even knew what love was
a bracelet on your right arm tells me
you possibly have
it clung to you properly
as most sentimental things do

your body, a chapel
your right arm my religion
i hesitate to call you my love yet i always feel it

i'm used to obsession but this is different
i worship every detail of your blonde skin and manic indecision

lying on top
of doubt
and questions
i clung to the rock
clung to your side
and forgot
we existed for a moment

for a moment
on a Tuesday afternoon
I was nameless
and you were too
we held hands
and our breath
as we forgot how to exist
petals and blunt objects
in front of me
floating black
on my eyelids
nothing else i possessed
but aimless love
swimming in it
on the rock
looking out into the sea before me
i fell in love without pretense

my roommate is crying
down the hall
i hear it
and i know
why
because he is gone
and it's not the fact that he is gone
but because
we have thought
about leaving too.

romance
is what keeps us
alive
love
is what keeps us
dead

i know that
upon leaving
this town
i will have
changed
and i'm grateful for it
i'm grateful for anything

we were a scenario that does not exist
it never did
you got intrigued
left your old for a new thing
then got caught up in that wave for a bit
and aw, we were fools because i thought it was bliss
fast forward
to your shrugs and lines
you'd recite
just to get through the night
and i played a part in it
no blame in this
just an honest view
of how you left another and another
that equals two
on to the next
you're so **** good at that
but i don't envy
what you're getting yourself into
darlin, it's not worth
what you're losing
but you got the visions
that i don't see
and i'm not one to fight for what's not worth it
or beg and plead
for a woman with a soft backbone
and careless inflections
no, i don't think you're a bad person
but i don't think you're good for me
and that's a shame
but i'm done dwelling
on what we almost had
no one ever won at that

she was right
when she said
that she doesn't like to save love letters
or even nice notes as gestures
maybe "right" is not the right word
maybe "smart" is the better choice
because while she can walk away
and see through it
i'm left with dozens of screen shots of our old romance
and how romantic she could be
i don't dare look at them
they stay, haunting my photo albums on this computer screen
but i refuse to indulge
because i'm afraid of how they'll hit me

so, tonight
i will start something new
possibly
maybe
i should

new choices
in not loving you
or rather learning how
to not love you
and to nourish
these feelings that were what you used to call
"sacred"

i was your ageless phrase
an exhausting prelude to things you need to say
but i won't
devoured i am
devoured you were
scrimmage love

i; anchor
you; featherweight
she; shore

the anchor at your neck
incessant
a drawn bow trembling
at the core
a heavy love
you once wrapped your arms around
i told you from the start
where i'm coming from
and how i am
i gave you all disclaimers
i can be a head full of maladies
and you've not enough hands

the featherweight has so much to lose
two heartbreaks in one year
could snap the best in half
but you'll always snap back
you build with your heart
you build every plan
you're even with discipline
you're sleeping alone tonight

the shore stays
even if still
it's known
please keep away
i'm so tired of drowning

hung my head over your left shoulder
kissed every inch of your skin
as if those sins were clung to my lips
and all i want is to forget
and begin
again

not going to do anyone
any good
being in love with someone
who does not want it

we lay in bed
and speak to the ceiling
through each other
to one another
and finally tell our feelings
to the placeholders in the walls
to the guilt inside our chests
you were meant for loving
and i am craving it
my arms around you
my mind intertwined in this sweet divide
of where you and i started
of where you and i hide
it's easy to lose
when you face the collide
but darling,
all i've ever wanted
was to be by your side

side chain my love
i wanted you
i want you
to absorb our beautiful edge
and pretend
(maybe you won't have to pretend)
i was everything you need(ed)

side chain my love
side chain
side chain your thoughts to my brain
lift it up and regain
the holy religion
that is
you.

we spent the night together in mid-air; suspended
i saw the truth before my body hit the pavement
i saw the outcome;
i whispered "maybe we've made it"
you held onto the time where it reminded you of another
time
like a trophy
our prize
collected in between waves
or
s i g h s

Loving someone
Is work.
I take the thought into my hands
And run it through my skin.
Until the words fall out
And mold
Like clay
Into dissertations of sound,
Into solemn hymns
A soft prayer.
I will repeat all night and morning
Rituals of romance
Rituals of present tense
Rituals of
I am not afraid of the craft
I was born already loving it

Can't keep caring
For something that has stopped
Caring
So long ago
So long, then

you let me down
true
your sin lingers in my spine
sinks into my skin
and all i want to do is shake it
crush it up, my love
because you are still my love
and i don't want to love you
but it's the most natural act
so i look past the ache
and take it day by day
i want to see chunks of you
inside of me
swallowed you whole
whole
holy

all of me
wants to erase
the doubts
i've had all along
but you play
like a song
right in front of me
the same lines
repeat repeat
if you can't allow me to articulate what it is that upsets me
if you turn your back
while i have bent mine
you leave me with nothing left
but a cracked mind, crooked spine

the blanket where you came is still in the corner of the house

the ***** laundry pile reminding me of the last time you were here

but the mark is more than a stain

it is a clear vision of what we were for a time

for some months

but then something changed

your love don’t mean what it meant before

and confusion never felt so constant

and “sorry” doesn’t quite mean much anymore

st. augustine
the pale color above your collarbone haunts me
and i want to swallow you whole
until i can't remember what it is that i allowed

this city is soft and slow
a charming couple stands before me
holding hands
and i want to congratulate them
because i know how such a simple act can in actuality be the most daunting thing
that we humans do

maybe it's the weather
or maybe because i am sensitive
but i am most alone
and i feel it more than most nights

tonight
this city is the last place I want to be in
until it is then that i whisper to the orange haze above me
"ain't nobody here with us in this Universe, baby"

slept between her thighs
for hours at a time
i could stay there all night
and you know i gladly would
but a woman has to keep some pride
am i right?
nowadays, i don't feel so right
but good god, i'm in love
(or I was)
and that should be enough
so i use my tongue to
lap up every apology
swallow it whole
even the stem
so that maybe one day
i can look past your sins
and call you

M I N E

we will never see eye to eye
you, on the other side of this country
could never be mine
and rightfully so, i do not want you
it's taken me a long time
to get there
to feel a void
to not let my mind get to there
nowadays,
it stays
still
so still
like i've always wanted it to

stand still
over the windowsill
where my love for you was left
"you" meaning multitudes

i can't let this happen again
where my head gets lost
drowned
sinking
swim

SWIM
because you have to
because you've so much left
because you are the only one who will force you to

This last year was so easy to forget my work ethic
it was so easy to give up
but I'm building
i've been building all along
sometimes, i forget it

but it's during these times
the Universe plays it's tricks
and reminds me
sometimes, not so gently
but enough

I'm ******
singing love songs to my ceiling
humming
humming
humming to you
every note, a reminder of you
every note, a reminder of why i have to leave

Patience. All my life, I've held onto it like a stone dead center in my palms.
I am not afraid of slow. I crave it.
I know it will make more sense that way.
Even restless as I am.
I've seen some take aggressively and there they go, further upwards.
But I want to do it right. My whole life. I want to treat people good while I'm here. I want to create and live as much as I can in an authentic way.
If that means taking the slower pace, then okay.

i stare at a photo
of your face
years before you knew me
and i see a brightness
about you
i've never known
nowadays,
you look so strange to me
i liked it better when i viewed you from afar
when i didn't respond to the smell of your skin
when i had no idea what your lips felt like
on mine

i look at you
in a different
way
even your face has changed
how could it not?
morphed into something aimless
just for the sake of tainting
blonde dream
you died in streaks
wondering where it was you left
faith in
burial
now it's seen
even the sky
mourns you

like a child clung to you
out of knowing no better
but i knew better
i always have
yet i still stuck around
out of habit?
out of desire?
out of love?
"still don't know what love means"
that ******* line gets me every time
because i live that dusty pain in his voice
when sung
and you and i darling
were a song not meant for singing

having a night alone
i pause at this strange feeling
of feeling possibly "too" alone
like,
if i died while crossing the street
and if they did not find my phone
nor my wallet
would they ever figure out
who to call?
being human is strange
but being an adult is even stranger
i think of this as i am pulling my helmet off
in front of my house
looks like i made it safely after all
looks like we often think the worst
but often we surprise ourselves
and i want to surprise myself
i think of even more things
as i sit typing this
and even now
i wonder
if i did die
while listening to a new favorite song
tonight
as i crossed that street
would she care?
does hating someone even allow you to care?
to be affected?
would she pause
tonight
at all
and finally forgive?

i cannot wait
to lay
and daydream
in bed
and mouth the ceiling
with your name
and swell
in your generosity
your perfect
imperfect
lean
that is now embedded
in my teeth
and *******
just think
with what little
has been said
how you consume
every part of
this bloodstream

holy space
i embed you
in my brain
to keep sane
i'll retract
from
the things that don't make me feel safe

i stare at the sky
all nights
and think about the things that make sense to me
that matter:
loyalty
truth
peace
tact
music
knowledge
love

i want a calmness
that you can't pronounce
but i know we are all just trying to live
and do the same thing
so i see you
in a different light
in hopes that you'll see me as such
as well

oh, well.

Lonely tear
Drops
Tear inside my chest
And I swear I felt you
The entire day
Even though
You'll never be here again

the body
lies
on the bed
you helped build
staring at the ceiling
mouthing lyrics
to a song on repeat
i can lay here all night
i'd have no problem with it
and sing the same words
until they fell from my teeth
hitting the floor
as softly as they came

This gin
It ain't workin
But I'm trying
And this conversation having around me
Only reminds me that you are not the one talking
So I am in this bathroom
In a bar I won't remember tomorrow
Thinking of you
My darling
You

your voice breaks
as you tell me
why it is you are back
in the town we both call "home"

well, "home" is a word i haven't used in a long time
and i don't know if I plan on to
anytime soon

i am merely human so all i do is exhale on the telephone
and whisper "i'm sorry you're going through this"
as my mind races and wanders to peaks and cliffs
in all the efforts to embrace you
and heal what life will inevitably crack

Time will tell
But I've never been good
At timing

your tethered past
lingers and surfaces on days it chooses to

and i am here
only wanting to be something
(anything)
possibly
you've never had before

It's not confusing
just the past is all

i'd like to remember you
in the greatest light
how perfect your smile was
how firm you touched me
the way you laughed on the basketball court
the nights we made love and meant it
your rants about gardening
your voice lifting when you spoke confidently
your lips as you would recite every lyric to Lil Wayne
your mind as we would lay side by side
how warm your skin felt against mine
our mutual love for the secret Mexican spot
your blue, blue eyes
how soft they would stare at me
for a time
and god, i loved that time
you hated your hands
but oh, i loved them
you owned me
i was your map
for a time
and god, i miss that time
when your words breathed romance
and i felt drunk off what you were giving out
and you gave, and you gave, and you gave
and it felt insane
it felt free
it felt like i was in love

oh, i want to remember all this
and not your striped underwear on the floor
to the left of you
her legs tangled in your sheets
your head, cowered
eyes hung over the drapes of shame
we all felt
in different ways

don't make this the last thing i see from you
you decide that
you show me
if you want to

such a heavy love
at times, i choke
on the shape of
forgetting you

when really all i want
is to lay in your lap
and recite my love for you silently
in my head
while reading my favorite excerpts
of Kerouac
"The Subterraneans"
out loud

"and i go home, having lost her love and write this book"

the meticulous beast
of what it is
that you are
and what you are not
is something that cannot
consume me any longer.

you want a friend.
you want a lover.
you want nothing really.
yet i would be all three things to you
if you let me.

i left a hair tie in your bed
under the pillow you use to rest your head
are you rested now?
i tried so hard to love you
even when it was not allowed
and you
fought the walls in which you lived
i know you are hurting
i can't imagine the race inside that mind of yours, darlin
but i tried
and i'm tired
of seeing you battle the one who cares for you
so, cling to the sins you haven't committed yet
while i try to look forward
because
forward is all
i have

i wish i had a time machine
(and time for you to love me)
i would stall every second
just to see your face how you would look at me
from across the room
you and i
we were undeniable babe
then
i would pause space
to feel you kissing me with your entire self
with your confidence in your actions
we would kiss all night
and all morning
i never wanted to leave the bed
then

then
you would touch me with a passion i had never felt
true intensity neither of us needed to hide
then
then
then

If I had a time machine
I would hold your hand in confidence
before we knew pretense
of what right or wrong felt like
and keep you as my sidekick
and we would thrive in this life (time)
I would hold your hand in 1993
and watch Michael Jordan in his prime
front row seats
you and i
you and i
We may never see our prime together
But I have no doubt in my mind
that it existed
sometime, somewhere
out there

fight it

when i’m in it

but honestly,

these kind of nights alone

are the ones i’ll remember most