Can't keep caring
For something that has stopped
Caring
So long ago
So long, then

side chain my love
i wanted you
i want you
to absorb our beautiful edge
and pretend
(maybe you won't have to pretend)
i was everything you need(ed)

side chain my love
side chain
side chain your thoughts to my brain
lift it up and regain
the holy religion
that is
you.

This city
Every square inch
Of pavement
Even the trees
Remind me of you
I lift my head
To see past it
Stare straight into another memory
But you-
You don't want to hear
About romance
Or how even brick
Breaks my heart
Because all I see in it
Is you.

g
h
ost

g
o
ne

you are the lingering one
one arm in mine
collapsed lungs

i want to be something
that seeks nothing
from you
from your eyes that stare
into every night
past my doubts and cynicism
from your hands
in which i have loved
the stalling ways they have touched me
haunting me instantly

i want to be someone
who asks me nothing
of you
no guilt for never calling back
no fear of what you have planned next
wholly consumed in the moments you give
to me
with expecting nothing
next or later or then

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks

not going to do anyone
any good
being in love with someone
who does not want it

i know that
upon leaving
this town
i will have
changed
and i'm grateful for it
i'm grateful for anything

one night
one simple night

when i don't know
where to fit
i fold in
it's there i can be or not
any shape
any design
i'll hold onto what i like
and learn to forgive
the colors i don't quite understand.
become my palette
become my welcomed sin
i'll wear it wear
this second layer of skin
i'll show you
in time
that all of this
is worth it

tonight
was not the night
to see your rant about love at first sight
and i told you that
and i am human for that.
for that, i do apologize.
the reason
so many reasons
is that i felt that for you
and for some time
you told me you felt it too
for a time
you told me many things
things i thought you believed
things i believed as well
and i don't doubt your truth
it's thriving
it's pouring out of you
and many times, it is beautiful
but other times it is difficult to see
because i know
there is no room for me
yet maybe we think
there could be
i want there to be
because i do feel that what i've been feeling for you
all along
was geniune
and it's my truth
now spilling onto you
that makes you not pick up the phone
when i call
to try to tell you
exactly this

lying on top
of doubt
and questions
i clung to the rock
clung to your side
and forgot
we existed for a moment

And then I say to myself
"Chill out. Nothing is that extreme nor important."

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks everything
aside from you
in me
to be
the whole of myself

looking back
i remember the first day
you and i hung out alone together
it was early in the morning
and it was all for you
you, wearing your faded black levi's
along with nervous energy
running through your legs
into mine
i felt it
all the while
your green hoodie containing it all
in
i could hardly believe you were allowing me a shared space
at one time, i thought i was the luckiest girl
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted my entire childhood
good god, what is childhood
but wrecked hopes and defeat?
You captured it all perfectly between your teeth
and the gasp i let out when i opened your gift
but now god, what is now
but frustrations and held in sighs?
When i loved you, i wanted to die
when you loved me, i wanted everything

for a moment
on a Tuesday afternoon
I was nameless
and you were too
we held hands
and our breath
as we forgot how to exist
petals and blunt objects
in front of me
floating black
on my eyelids
nothing else i possessed
but aimless love
swimming in it
on the rock
looking out into the sea before me
i fell in love without pretense

How does one forget them?

How do I live through them?

How can I not?

stand still
over the windowsill
where my love for you was left
"you" meaning multitudes

i can't let this happen again
where my head gets lost
drowned
sinking
swim

SWIM
because you have to
because you've so much left
because you are the only one who will force you to

This last year was so easy to forget my work ethic
it was so easy to give up
but I'm building
i've been building all along
sometimes, i forget it

but it's during these times
the Universe plays it's tricks
and reminds me
sometimes, not so gently
but enough

i'm not ready
for another's headspace
and all that it takes
to love someone so hard
i see you lady
i see you and i want so badly to want to see you
but i just don't
lying next to you
is an effort
that i'm sure i could get at with practice
(as with most things)
but i have no patience now
the last girl who had my heart
has left me
scarred

and it's at times like that, i'd rather just walk
into unknown spaces
but at least i'm moving

tonight
amongst all nights
my brain is running from me
holy screaming beneath
and i am gone
and i am loving it
your words give my body a physical reaction
i feel your wounds in my teeth
and i know you've a mind full of questions and doubts about me
but i want you to know that i'll stick it out
i'll stay around
because i'm in love
and you're all i see

long after you are gone
you are still here

be gentle
i said
be gentle
as i'm fumbling small gestures of love
in my hands
i'm holding
tiny strands of wanting
fall between my fingers
i want nothing
i want it all
i want to be gentle to myself
when it comes to this

twice
on repeat

what are words
but tools to help us either
heal
or hurt
offend
or mend

i can't worry either way

i'm aware that you and i see things very differently
yet we feel most alike
in many ways
you and i could be the same person
at least that is what we used to say

now i've heard you say that a number of times
certain choice words you would use to describe me or "us"
now you use upon new strangers or old haunts
and i keep that in my mind
each time reminding me
of that timeless cliche
"actions speak louder than"...
i don't even allow myself to finish the thought
because i'm tired of cliches
i'm tired of the obvious
i want to be wowed
i want someone to come over and blow my mind
i'm ready for it
i thought i had it
but it came up short
she needed to part ways
in her mind it all makes sense
so i can't knock it
so i don't
instead- i just invisibly shrug my shoulders and
look up

fight it

when i’m in it

but honestly,

these kind of nights alone

are the ones i’ll remember most

late night
up
making love to his voice
and his voice alone
but i am alone
realizing that we are done
your timid actions
i once deemed sweet
now seem young, spilling out deceit
and i now lay
in our defeat
more in my own
we took in our prime
when i thought i loved a saint
i was merely a fool
reciting out your lines
as a means to control
what out
comes
and i can only be humbled by this

you
you were always
checked out of your skull
and i
i was always praying
you would never
finally
go.

i could sink in this daydream
for
ever
but i don't believe in forever much

Time will tell
But I've never been good
At timing

feeling so small
walking the streets
of an old town
of old defeats

i was the greatest failure
i am my greatest gift

plaques of history
envelope before me
i want to know all the facts
i want to know all your sins

you are the greatest interest

these small things
i know their worth
i know that i will forever remember them

so i keep walking
i keep my eyes wide and bereft

i am my greatest potential
i am

your voice
sounds different
that is
after the initial
"hi"
you always greet me with

it is then and only
then
that you were the woman i fell in love with
the only one in this world who knew
our secret
we lived like children then
and worshiped every second

you, huddled in our land of blankets
you, skin that never left mine
life was simpler back then
it was hours
and ours alone

you used to hate to talk on the phone
and i imagine you still do

as if i could

This is how nights are going to be
Now
Without you
Better get used to it

the meticulous beast
of what it is
that you are
and what you are not
is something that cannot
consume me any longer.

you want a friend.
you want a lover.
you want nothing really.
yet i would be all three things to you
if you let me.