she was filled with poetry
destruction in her voice
but love in her words
she scared you
instead of turning towards you
she turned the mirror
forced to look at your reflection
you succumbed to weakness

glowing
she had a smile that was infectious
so you held in yours
it's like she made you feel bare
vulnerable
you hated it because you craved it even more
selfishly you asked,
"who am i to have you?"
while her light glowed
you dimmed yours
it wasn't a competition
but you wanted to win her
desperately,
you wanted to win her.

And our meeting was just a thrill I was meant to experience in order to become more real
The fuller version of me that I kept repressing finally combust and catapulted me in the right direction
To find a love that would accept me
And honor me
By showing up with respect and full authenticity
Transparency is not earned, it is a must and
Fated or not
Predetermined or not
No longer will I let Cupid’s arrow being shot take away what I was born with inherently
A love that I am deserving of and is my true destiny
Momentary desires are fleeting compared to a slow burning fire that nurtures and inspires
So maybe you were nothing more than a spontaneous flicker
That fizzled out once you realized my flame was indeed, much bigger

I’m losing myself

Maybe I haven’t worked on myself
Everything isn’t about me
I don’t know what I want
I feel lost
and I feel like no one understands me.

No one listens anymore,
and I can’t even hear myself.

I’ve fallen upon deaf ears.
And no one did it to me,

just myself.

I started writing again as a way to cope with the silence, constantly blaming myself with internal violence
Because it's me, and always will be
My vision is skewed
Maybe it's not you
It's just me,
And always will be

I wonder if the end's creeping up soon.

Where's an outlet when you need it? Searching for power
Power in myself
In my words
Power to let go and finally disperse

I say
Mouth shut
Too damaged to work

Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run
No beginning nor from
Just forward
And only forward.

It's closing in
Holding back tears
My nose is running
The stuffed feeling in my head is returning
Burning
Ringing
Trapped in the shower
I can't stop screaming
At these weights
Intruding
Deluding
That's crushing
And crushing
My only safe space

roaming through the desert of a foreign land
blood on my hands
armor made from the pieces of sand
bleeding out
unable to shout
there are no echos
or other lifeforms to hear my pleas
dying of thirst
i drop to knees

until behold

a shadowy figure looms over me
holding a canteen
smiling ferociously

unable to speak
desperation fills my eyes
eyes dried up not able to cry

no empathy
a statue of apathy
with a slow stare
you vanish right past me

she was the kind of crazy people thought they liked
had a bit of a wild streak
not much of a filter
and didn't really distinguish who could get with her

at least
that what they thought was all to her

in reality
behind that beautifully masked facade

she was a fragile girl
going through the world
looking only for affection
with maybe just a hint of validation

her eyes dreamed for the world
thinking she was ready
going head first but never steady
not afraid of difficult feats
but quick to leave if her desires never meet

maybe she was fickle
loathed tediousness
and badgering of regrets
(also, the grossness of sweat)

but on the contrary
her patience was weary
and with the dullness of life
she was starting to lose her faith in faeries

maybe a bit scary

but you
you loved her
full and through
and there was nothing
you would not do
just to hear that goofy laugh
and see that dimpled grin

you finally came to terms with it,

your love for her was a blissful sin.

rose gold eyes
with a smile that hypnotized
and covered up her lies
will her beauty only be defined
by whats on the outside?

mentally sharp razor blades going across
her skin
where her demons begin
will the world ever notice her
for what's truly within?

She was the girl who daydreamed
with stars in her eyes
love on the brain
walking through life
embracing the rain
rose petal cheeks
that you couldn't help
but slyly sneak a peek

She was the girl of your dreams
or so it seemed
cuddled in bed
lovestruck for dead
soft whispers
and faint snores
you fell in love
with this romantic folklore
despite the internal warning
there was this emotional warming
of frost bitten desires
that she easily
reignited with a sensual,
slow burning fire

4 in morning
Street lights blinding
The sound of wind crying
The rain hits my face
Reminding me that life is calling
My minds stalling
Clinging to sleep
But my eyes won't follow
Day by day
This numbness settles
That my dreams may be nothing
At expense to this dense
Hollow plane
That we call reality
But feels like pain
What is there to gain
Through loss of perception
Of this seeming blessing
Every day is a lesson
To buck up
And not **** up
Tormenting my soul
My body's adjusting to the cold
Far reaching
To this land
Of far away desires
To my ultimate admires
Maybe there I'll be
An elegant flower
In spite of the weather
Finally having my **** together

with tears streaming down my face
bathed in sorrow
i emerged from my sullen state
to a figure lending a hand
eyes swollen
but the aura was clear
felt like a familiar warmth
from a masked entity
wiped the streams
and invoked light beams
shining throughout me
wings expanding
i would finally fly

there has been so much death
around me
pain and suffering
happening all too quick
through that
i learned not to take the present
for granted
experiencing the feeling of
being alive
having emotions
loving something
while they're here
is truly a blessing
every day i have you
i will thank the universe
for keeping you safe
and allowing me to be in your world
even if it is just for a little while
longer

rolling with the punches
faint smiles
can barely look in your eyes
without losing my breath
im drowning inside my love
cant swim
panicking
lungs filling with the thought of you
eyesight blackening
reaching out
while standing at the lifeboat
through watery eyes
I watch you
turn your back

listening to the songs of your heart
holding back tears
welling behind my eyes
chest caving
can't think
im not breathing right

you take my breath away
and stick it in your box
where your feelings hide
closed off
sealed in
tucked tight

im too tired to fight
hold me
kiss me
miss me
come alive
and bring me back with you

i dont want to be a zombie
im begging
please
please
open the box
relinquish detrimental thoughts
im scared
im screaming
wake up
wake up
wake up

please, wake up

"Five minutes with you
made up for 2 months of
depression
10 minutes with you
gave me the hope i had
lost long ago
I dont know what five
hours gave me, but its a
burning passion inside
With you i dont know
right from wrong
Temptations consumed
me
Love guided it
Rage supported it
Sadness inspired it
My vessel tried to
explore your sea, but
the waves were too treacherous"

-Mal

"The days have been
passing as slow as a
turtle
But why is it every time
we draw near, eternity
feels like an instant
Entering your aura was
like remembering a
memory you cant fully
remember
You struggle to recall
but you know you're
imagining false images
The memories are
slightly gone
Make new ones
The tender touch of your
skin was like fluid to a
dying flame.
Spontaneous.
Magnificent. The only
flame i want to feel.
Half of me is bold, half of me is fragile
One eye showing
courage, one eye watered
When it comes to you, i
dont know which path i
should take"

-Mal

I'm prepared to wait for you
faces dull in comparison
to your love

I won't rush
instead
I'll trust the look
in your eyes
that exposes your lies

I'll smile and be happy
knowing that you're
growing
into an even
greater man

and I'll try my best
to cultivate enough love
to be a better version
of the woman
you first fell for

this may be long overdue
and my vision may be askew
but the way I feel with you
no matter the way I try to overthink it
my heart would never deceit

you're engraved in my mind
and overtime
the wind has still not eroded
the day you first made my heart explode

dull, gray faces
compared to your eyes
these things mean nothing
compared to how you make me feel

this may be a deal breaker
but I want to be your only love maker

look me in my eyes
and tell me you don't realize
that my heart beats for you
and that my feelings are true
though I have no right
I've had this fight for too long
and your smile is my favorite song
I'm love sprung

laugh at me
brush me off
even if my face turns hot
this feeling inside my heart
will not burn out

this isn't an apology
but instead an anthology
of past mistakes
I'd like to break and amend
with the admittance of my sins
and offering of everything
I have within

Has hiding behind sarcasm
and vagueness
dismissiveness
become our coping methods?

These walls made from brick
are not as thick
as the passion in the air

It's not fair that time has to suffer
and continue on
because our minds
aren't strong enough
to match the resilience
of our hearts

I want to stare into your eyes
where they are free from lies
I want you to see within me
where you can be free
I want to melt you in soft kisses
and heal the blisters left by clumsy others

when skies were blue
and the air was clean
near lofty trees
in the spring breeze
that's where I met you

short, but with
a very tall personality
demanding attention
but also reserved
with a demeanor unflinching

my eyes traveled
scoped you,
mysterious
I wanted to know your world
your apple in my hand
is what I behold

fleeting symphonies of you speaking to me
can't help but play on repeat
over and over
a dead track that lacks expression
how could it stir my depression
rewind back the tape of you kissing on the nape of my neck
oh so tenderly
treating me as if my body could break with such fragility
whisper inside me and tell me the story of how you fell in love
with cheesy lines of "it started way back before..."
before arguments were arguments that were settled with just a smile and a kiss
before I spoke to you
and was just a loner past due of a hug and friendship
sensual-ship
love making risks
"did I *** too fast?"
"was it too quick?"
before we made a secret code
and you were told
"hey she thinks you're cute"
when the awkward silences unfold
high school love that never expired
and something about that smile
could never make you tired
and if anything drove you wild
replaying on repeat

kissing your lips was like
taking a bite of
that forbidden passion fruit
that ****** us all
I saw my future call
but I couldn't answer
now that emptiness envelopes me
I wonder
if that
sweet
rebellion
would've set
me
free

lights dimmed
only our silhouettes shown
body to body
hand in hand
you lead the way to a foreign land
body heat radiating
ice cream melting
along with our clothes
your eyes held a gateway to your soul
I inched in little by bit
in the darkness held a familiarity so dear
I couldn't help but draw near
no trespassing
caution
forbidden
in the depths of your heart
I could live in

i want to grow old with you
own three kids
two twins
several cats
in a lovely country flat

i want to feel your body heat
each night
cuddled up
while holding each other tight

i want to cook breakfast with you
only in our underwear
dancing
singing
a sight that the kids would be too embarrassed to bear

i want to walk down the aisle
and see you at the end
dressed in your finest with that cute hidden smile
knowing that it was worth it to go the extra mile

though i know what the future beholds
am i selfish for wanting to hold onto
this thought
this dream
that you're more
than what your words
and actions
appear to seem?

"can my love be enough?"
the young woman asked within
with a sigh
the universe replied,
"not always will you win."

life is weird. life is lonely. we have all these people that love us. we all have friends and family, but somehow life still ends up feeling lonely for each of us. i believe that we'll always feel that way, but life really isn't terrible. feelings and emotions can muster into things you never expected. they can take a shapeless form. not to be fake deep, but feelings propel and restrain. feelings rustle, feelings harbor inside and out. with me knowing that, it's hard to stay upset. i'm not necessarily happy, i'm **** ******* lonely. but i can only hope that there's things like internal success and interaction that can make me feel full for a bit. i wanna be something for people. i wanna be what i want to be in this world and more, while i'm here. from the moon to the stars, i wish to be tranquil, happy, loving and loved.

*******
rubbing
i love that good loving
that *******
**** me down n release urself
until i start choking
vibrating
fit me like a glove
tell me what u love
about my
sweet
pink matter
that u say taste like cake batter
thrusting
lusting
ive finally become accustomed
to begging on my knees
for ur *******
with affection
i want u, daddy,
to teach me a lesson

Simple arguments
Pouty lips
Im a constant headache
With relief in between
But looking at your smile
Cant help but make
My fragile lil heart
Sing

Although its not evident
Im glad to be your Queen

frostbitten finger tips
anchoring me down to this useless town
but this plaguing feeling of emptiness cant even hold me down
words that wont surface are buried underneath
im scared as to who my next victim might be
maybe I'll be docile and quiet as usually
but this lingering yearning
wont shake me free
i want to be more
for the whole world to see
but will anyone ever notice my pleas?

im not drowning
and thats the scary part
im floating admist my sorrows
fears
dreams
realities
i have the key to fix things
but there's always a catch
isnt it?

cigarette smoke and black n milds
im tired of things that dont matter to me
from a dystopian family
to my unfulfilled being
im sick of things swallowing me
the wind blows and the trees rattle
no stars tonight
but when will i be free
manipulation and guilt
im trapped in walls of 3
family
careers
and who i want to be

Chilly winters
where your frozen fingertips feel like splinters
across my gentle skin

do you even care?

That im here wasting away
your smile plagues me
my words begin to sound like a sad melody

do you even care?
do you even care?

These cigarettes are making me lightheaded
the bed doesnt feel the same
Your laugh is all that plays

repeatedly,
repeatedly,

These sad songs dont suit me
but you're entrusted in my memory
saved
but unwillingly
I'll sing sweet songs and drink till
Im smiling endlessly

repeatedly
repeatedly

Around hundreds of faces
surrounded, breathless
continuously drowing in plain sight
how can anyone feel this alone?
Its a mystery
with easily accessible friendships
but my fingertips dont match
going through my day's briskly
barely taking in the scenery
clinging to my only escape,
sleep.
Measly laughter
repetitive chatter
when will I be fulfilled?
Wasting away in this hollow density
daydreaming of leaving the city
Im waiting for my breakthrough
slowly
slowly
slowly
Let my destiny come to me
I'm waiting,
impatiently,
I'm waiting

I picked up the pen
and paper again
Only where will my
journey begin?
Fluttering hearts
frozen with chills
trying to defrost with
nothing but beer.

Maybe those secret nights of us tangled together in bed
and feeling like cozy newlyweds
will soon fade to you
But in the book of my mind
where you are inscribed
those memories will last
my entire lifetime

As the cold winter breeze harshly hits my face
I think till I'm numb
Then curse myself
for ever letting you slip away

Wipe those tears away
and fix your face
Clean the blood
thats dripping down
your arms

You're going to be wearing long sleeves for a while.

God forbid these scars are seen
or right back to the mental hopsital
you go

The word pathetic
         Lingers in my mind
                         like a bad song

I should've stood in the freeway
That night you drove me home

         I'm worthless ****
To think
  that you would think more of me
               Than just a fun time
While you were ******* around
              I was losing my mind
The words you didn't say
              Said more than what you didnt

And when you gave up
         And drove off
             Leaving me in the street
I knew
I was better off
*Dead

loud music
drowning out soft cries

desperate eyes.. tired eyes..
I've given up everything eyes..
they look even darker than usual

"Do you sleep at all?"
"You look tired."

razors everywhere
engraved loneliness
dripping blood

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

take three pills
I wish I had alcohol

"Stop the sad faces, smile more :)"

Days of the week start to frustrate me,
and overwhelms my anxiety

Tears no longer have any meaning,
and that's why none are shed

The only time I'm truly free
is when I'm asleep dreaming
which is why I've taken an attachment to my bed

The razor in my drawer going across my wrist sounds all too pleasing
but how can I live if I'm dead?

Its 2:30 am
and
here I am blowing cigarette smoke
into the wind
While sitting under the cloudy skies
I desperately wish to dissolve
into the night