Skylar,
What if you were told that I
Killed myself?

Ashley,
What would you do?

Maddie,
Would you miss my fake smile?

Mom,
Would you cry?

Dad,
Would you care?

Macky,
Would you miss me?

Tori,
Are you glad?

Bryce,
Would you miss our
Doctor Who days?

Trace,
Would you miss
Cuddling with me?

Mike,
Would your
Lessons be quieter?

Hellopoetry,
Would you miss my words that
Meant so little?

The worst kind of feeling
Is when you see someone that you used to miss,
But you've used up all of the missing you have left for them
Anymore.
And all that remains is just a sad, hopeless kind of
Emptiness.
A pang of what could have been and should have been.
But isn't.
You've given up but you can't fully let go.

I don't miss you any more.
I hate what you did to me
But I hate what you still do to me even more.
And if you tried to love me again I would resist,
For a little while.
But for now when I see you my heart does not flutter with nervousness,
It just drops.
There's a hole in my heart thats always been filled
With some kind of emotion for you.
But it's just empty now.
And more than anything I just
Wish things were different.

Sometimes home doesn't feel like home at all
The hate you harbour,
the words that pour from your mouths.
Moments of bliss are a disguise
I look in the mirror
I am not foreign to the pain in these eyes.
In time they say, things will change
I wish everything would wash away with the rain

I run from everything you are
I hide from the scars
I try to forgive and forget
but when the memories are reality now it is hard

It is a routine these child like schemes
I am tired as you must be too
Home no longer feels welcome
I wish it would be
Everytime I come back
I regret the decision
Everytime I come back
I hope things have changed
But when you have been living this way for so long
what can I say....
Oh what I would give to hear you say...
I am happy.

the snow sticks to the one last pair of jeans you own,
stayed up to watch the sun come up again.

green tea isn't going to save you from the day's advances,
the hours pass like soldiers marching on in sickening waves.
every minute ticking off and disposing another wasted emotion,
I wore my sleeves down to drown me for the first time this year.

and the coffee is to blame,
for the sweat that gathers on the small of my back
sitting here and waiting just a little while longer.

and looking at my smile,
do you see how bad I am at faking it?
we had better make the coffee stronger.

4/1/13

She's been sent as a test,
to see how I handle the stress.
That's my guess.
And I've handled her well,
as she seeks to discredit me,
get at me,
push all my buttons.
She pushes and pokes,
and provokes.
But I'm not going to bite,
'cos she's wrong and I'm right.
So I'm playing the long game.
Staying the same,
being me.
Unperturbed by relentless
attacks on my work.
And it's working,
I'm learning,
I'm earning my stripes.
Growing up,
showing up.
Being sure of myself.
Dismissing the thoughts
that seek vengeance.
To stoop to her level.
'Cos I've been there before,
and it didn't work out.
She can shout all she likes,
and I'll never shout back.
'Cos I'm better than that.

Wanting to be coloured pink

but emotions make my vibrancy sink

drowning in my own secretions

my image blurred no distinction

My leaves are wilting

my sanity tilting

feeling only sadness

descending into madness