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Leah May 2019
I used to say your name like a prayer
over and over in my head
sitting curbside next to a sewer drain
dropping cigarette butts into the abyss as an offering.

it’s a type of madness that I revisit
from time to time.

different names, different prayers.
cigarette butts and sewer drains.
Leah Jan 2016
and to my dead friend Andrew;
I'm sorry I was late.

I'm sorry I wasn't of more use
in your sorrowful state.

I remember days and days
and times and times.
I remember almost nothing
of every second I wish I could remember
like it was yesterday.

and when I see your mother,
or your sister,
your dad and,
when I see your brother
walking the tiles along the tree;

I have always said it,
I have always meant it,
I wish it was me.

and when I see patrick
or james
your grandparents,
your aunts,
bria on facebook;

I should've been there for you more than I was.
and it will haunt me always.

you weren't there,
only for your funeral,
on any other day,
despite your pain,
I could confide in you.

and I loved you.
and I love you.

not in the way
I see
love, now,
in every day that passes
and see it die;
in every night that unfolds,

but in a way in which
I know I never appreciated
while I had it.

with every sin I commit
and every mistake that I make;
I tribute to you.

we would've all made them;
and been wiser for it.

as every saint is imperfect
and every lesson learned
is somehow worth it.

if all I can remember
is trees climbed
and mudhill slides;
then I;
will hold on to them forever.

and if ever I hope
I will you see you again.
Leah Jan 2016
today I went and bought a 6 pack
we had a blizzard rolling in so I
drove off and decided,
"my first legal buy", and some noodles.

and I looked at just about every 6 pack
the packaging, the price, the abv.
you were such a beer snob
and yet I loved you for it.

maybe I would've found any excuse to love you.
maybe that's what love really is.

I don't remember much of that month,
but on your wall I can see
all of the things I bought and drank
when I felt loved and so much better off.

and for whatever reason,
the black sheep lager, I remember.
I wasn't with you, but I was proud of you
for it,
for picking it out.

maybe I would've found any excuse to like it.
maybe that's what love really is.

but anyways,
I kept thinking, which is never good,
that the beer was awesome
that black sheep was the height of summer
that black sheep brought me close to you.

each and every time I saw it on your wall
I thought
this isn't over
it happened
it's real.

well it was,
and it wasn't.

maybe that's what love really is.

but the beer
the black sheep
it doesn't taste at all
like I remembered it did.

like all your favorite beers, it is bitter.
like all unrequited, half-forgotten loves,
it is bitter.
Leah Jan 2016
you would die wearing a blue bra
and with a ****** in -
(no, but wait, that wouldn't matter.)
your last meal would be a chicken salad sandwich that you bought at the gas station for $5, and a bag of buffalo wing chips.
(you could do worse.)
I haven't paid my rent yet
or the heat bill or the-
(you'd save yourself a lot of suffering.)
do you hear that wind?
it's snowing, now
Niagara Falls is higher
(and this is less wet.)
and what if I survive?
(would it matter?)
eight days past my 21st and -
(you made it to Nietszche's.)
what if things get better?

what if they don't?

maybe they'll think I fell.
Leah Dec 2015
having every other time
earned my automatic forgiveness;
I cannot find a way to make you feel
the anger that burns me up from within
like a boiling fountain deep inside my guts
that spills scalding tears I cannot stop.

and I will not wait
for you to need me;
just so I can let you down
to see if you will hurt
the way I have.

no, I will not wait.
I will never wait for you again.
Leah Nov 2015
past three a.m. you don't exist
except for this time when you
thought you could walk in and
exist here.

listen, these amphetamines
make me far too honest.

you can't be here
while I'm jawing out
I'd love to talk to you.
Leah Nov 2015
the summer days when
my bracelets graced your coffee table
were by far the best
that I ever had.
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