Is it possible to be too happy?
Can too much go right?
That's sort of a depressing question
and why is it that every time
I feel so happy like I do now
I am brought back to you?
Does that make sense
do you understand what I am saying
I get happy
So i come back to you
the one who makes me not happy
do I hate happiness
do i hate myself
jeeez
I told you that would be depressing
you're my heroine
my addiction
not in a cute way
or romantic way
or even an ironic way
you are a drug
nothing more
nothing less
you're no good for me
I can't seem to grasp that but I know it's true.

It was the 25th
which meant only one thing
a trip to grandpa's house
every 25th of every month
we traveled the 10 minutes
down the gravel road
to see my grandpa
and his rocking chair

man that rocking chair
sculpted from reddish brown wood
balanced perfectly
like a pedestal
I had never sat on it
just out of respect
I admired from afar
every 25th

my grandpa was always in that chair when I arrived
rocking back and forth
and forth and back
like Galileo's pendulum
rain or shine
snow or wind
when I pulled into that driveway
my Grandpa was in that chair

it fascinated me as a kid
like he was some video game character
programmed to do this mundane task
it was familiar
it was calming
but I grew older
and thought about that chair less
along with my family

but every 25th
even on a windy day like today
I'd travel down the gravel road
to see my grandpa
when I arrived the chair was rocking
back and forth
forth and back
but my Grandpa was not sitting

I can't help it
I guess
I grew up on screenplays
on all of the hidden meanings
the metaphors
they shaped my thoughts

you know I never dated in high school
and I was a looker too
I didn't do it because no girl was perfect for me
there was no princess charming
do you realize how stupid that was
four years wasted

one girl ruined it tho
lisa turner
oh my god this girl
this beautiful body
beutiful smile
perfect everything she was angel
but when she talked
....
dear god she had a lisp
how could that be
how could the perfect girl be
imperfect?

That's when I first realized
something was wrong with me
I discovered that people weren't archetypes
that events weren't symbols
but most importantly
I learned a happy ending was guranteed

I want to write a poem that rhymes
I haven't done that in a while
it's unnecessary my professor said
the one that never cracked a smile

She told me my work didn't need structure
that there was no need to work within the lines.
It was all ******* to me
no car has ever reached its destination without the aid of signs

No bird has flown his way down south
without another bird *** in its face
and so the story goes
and so continues the race

structure in a sense is supposed to free us
because it brings familiar tones
because after all
What are we all but walking Gravestones?

I don't know what
I am trying to attain.
All I know is that
I am far from it.

Im writing this because I need closure and I don't know maybe you do to. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to you over the last three months for a lot reasons so I'll just get into it. I really thought we were going to get back to together this summer and not just for the summer but a while after. Now I see that that was wishful but honestly I am terrified of how hard I fell for you without even seeing you in a person. I was so astounded by the amount of soreness I felt that I won over your biggest doubter who was of course my self. And then how easily you threw away something that I felt so sure about and so confident in killed me. Hearing your name put me in a **** mood for weeks on end. Honestly it still does. And it's not your fault you don't know how much you mean to me because I've never told you in as many words but I tried. And so even now I can't bring myself to talk to you on a daily basis because I am so sure the story will end in me doubting myself like I do when we stop talking every single year. I guess what I'm trying to say is when I stop talking to you it's not because I'm mad at what you did or mad at what you do its just that I want to save myself of making the same mistake over and over again.

I can't write anything good anymore
it's annoying
i'm ****** that you did that to me
it really ****** me up
it ***** that you did that
but you could have told me
i acted like i didn't care
I just wanted the conversation to end
but in a way I didn't because I knew once that conversation ended
it could take years for their to be another one
I'm off track
I'm ignoring what really matters
but then again you always distracted me from the bad things
at least as I was hoping you would continue to do so
i guess without you i'm forced to face reality
without you i'm not a starry eyed lover
I'm alone
yes I know I'm not ALONE
but I'm alone
we were meant for each other
I'm off track again
I almost threw my future down the drain
and now i am hanging on the ledge begging for a hand
and my school is trying to kick me off
MY SCHOOL
the one that asks my family for a check sevaral times WANTS TO SEE ME FAIL
THEY ARE waiting
they do not care about
I am just a five digit number to them
one that hopefully recurs 4 times and then maybe 5
but watch this
if i graduate if i make it big
if i become something
they will want me to help them
to nurture them
to everyone how great they are
and when
that day comes
I will tell them in as many words
that they can lick my nuts
and i Know that is graphic but that is how I feel
that is how betrayal feels
and I want so badly to enjoy life
while I still can
while simultaneously creating a life I can enjoy
and it's impossible and it's driving me insane
and it makes me upset
because when people asked me what I wanted to be when i grew up
i responded
happy
and I meant it
no *******
i would do anything as long as i would
and now I feel that whatever I do
Happiness will always be out of touch
and every time i attempt to capture it the world
will shove me back down into my hole like a good little boy
but
I will get better
I will improve
I will prove people wrong
And I will prove my family right