I don't know what
I am trying to attain.
All I know is that
I am far from it.

Im writing this because I need closure and I don't know maybe you do to. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to you over the last three months for a lot reasons so I'll just get into it. I really thought we were going to get back to together this summer and not just for the summer but a while after. Now I see that that was wishful but honestly I am terrified of how hard I fell for you without even seeing you in a person. I was so astounded by the amount of soreness I felt that I won over your biggest doubter who was of course my self. And then how easily you threw away something that I felt so sure about and so confident in killed me. Hearing your name put me in a **** mood for weeks on end. Honestly it still does. And it's not your fault you don't know how much you mean to me because I've never told you in as many words but I tried. And so even now I can't bring myself to talk to you on a daily basis because I am so sure the story will end in me doubting myself like I do when we stop talking every single year. I guess what I'm trying to say is when I stop talking to you it's not because I'm mad at what you did or mad at what you do its just that I want to save myself of making the same mistake over and over again.

I can't write anything good anymore
it's annoying
i'm ****** that you did that to me
it really ****** me up
it ***** that you did that
but you could have told me
i acted like i didn't care
I just wanted the conversation to end
but in a way I didn't because I knew once that conversation ended
it could take years for their to be another one
I'm off track
I'm ignoring what really matters
but then again you always distracted me from the bad things
at least as I was hoping you would continue to do so
i guess without you i'm forced to face reality
without you i'm not a starry eyed lover
I'm alone
yes I know I'm not ALONE
but I'm alone
we were meant for each other
I'm off track again
I almost threw my future down the drain
and now i am hanging on the ledge begging for a hand
and my school is trying to kick me off
MY SCHOOL
the one that asks my family for a check sevaral times WANTS TO SEE ME FAIL
THEY ARE waiting
they do not care about
I am just a five digit number to them
one that hopefully recurs 4 times and then maybe 5
but watch this
if i graduate if i make it big
if i become something
they will want me to help them
to nurture them
to everyone how great they are
and when
that day comes
I will tell them in as many words
that they can lick my nuts
and i Know that is graphic but that is how I feel
that is how betrayal feels
and I want so badly to enjoy life
while I still can
while simultaneously creating a life I can enjoy
and it's impossible and it's driving me insane
and it makes me upset
because when people asked me what I wanted to be when i grew up
i responded
happy
and I meant it
no *******
i would do anything as long as i would
and now I feel that whatever I do
Happiness will always be out of touch
and every time i attempt to capture it the world
will shove me back down into my hole like a good little boy
but
I will get better
I will improve
I will prove people wrong
And I will prove my family right

I waste time worrying about the things that won't happen
therefore preventing things that should

Im a writer that doesn't write
I tell myself that's it's normal
That it's natural
That I must have writers block

I know that's a lie

People ask me what I want to do
I say screenwriter
They think I'm smart, witty, creative
All of the above
The look they give me is a drug
I'm one of the special ones
I have ideas
To them I make things

But I don't.

I like to think I do.
Sure I tell myself that.
But I'm stuck writing stories I'll never finish
Down in books I'll never read

Why do I not read them?

I think it's because of a belief that I am inadequate
And therefore anything I create must be that way as well
The belief that someone like me shouldn't be able to create
I think that's why people look at me adoringly when they hear "screenwriter"
They want to love their ideas as much as they think I do mine.
They think I'm one of the ones that made it out
Which is something I desperately I want to be

So for now I am a writer that doesn't write
Which sadly means I am not a writer at all
But maybe I spoke to soon
Because if I wasn't a writer
I wouldn't have written this at all