the only thing that kept us together was rock n roll
but lou reed died today
and now we are that much more alone

Lately I've been looking for reasons to live. Not because I...plan on committing suicide soon. Because I lost my reason and way. I've walked a path of uncertainty, pain, filth, selfishness. I've belittled myself over countless mistakes, for errors in my genetic coding that makes me who I don't want to be.

   After all the cuts, scratches, burns and scars I think I'm ready to get better. Not through whittled down razorblades but through love and kindness. Like the theory of Nature Vs Nurture, it's not my nature holding me back, it's my lack of nurture. I'm an alcoholic ready to give up his bottle, a gambler whose chips are up. A suicide case who doesn't want his life to start with a person and end...with a rope.

   Lately I've been looking for reasons to live. 59 reasons for why I should live, 23 people who I hold close to my heart. Even if we don't talk, even if it's hard to breathe at night, even when there's no way out, even when I sob and reach out like a drowning man for oxygen I look, so much harder than anyone else for a reason to live.

   I think I just...lost my way. I'm looking for a reason to live...I'm selfish. I'm caring. I'm lost and I'm learning. I'm not a bad person but I'm no saint. I'm trying to do this for me.

It feels so strange to look back on those days
The simple time when play was common
And laughs were but a word away
But in these last few years you have been so far
Past Charon's cold ravine , upon a cliff  bathed in stars.

Each year I wonder, wish and dream.
That your memories of me were held serene
Tainted not by the crippling pain
The fights, the running, and secret shames
Filled witty banter and bizarre reprieves

Brother. How I've missed you so.
The years they creep and memories fade
Despite my love, my pleads to know
That in that wretched day of loss
Your heart was left unscathed

For in my cruelest darkest times
When my eyes started cold and glazed
Where leaving bed made atlas falter
When fear left me but a window's flight away
You smiled and shone the way

How many days went and came
With that scribble not upon your picture frame
Hoping for just one exchange
And promising I would take your place
Promising to take the pain

Despite all the things that I have wanted
All the times that I have missed
I'd tear this world asunder
Pull down the stars and blacken the sky
Just to see your crooked smile

If I have to agree with you
in order to be right;
I don't think I need to be right.

She's so sweet
She makes my teeth hurt
Open cavity