i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

My head is behind on the rent
The eviction notices never end
Overflowing
Choking me
Smothering me until I can't breathe.

The lights are out  
and the bills aren't paid
it's been months
a few weeks
or days?
too long to be sure.

My fridge is empty
my ribs are bare
my cheeks are hollow
and I'm losing my hair

There isn't any water
So I can't wash away
the pain of today
and yesterday

I'm so cold
and my fingers are blue
my heart is black
and numb
at this point
my entire being is done

I'm going under
there's no hope
I have reason
to not swing from this rope
So please remind me
just one more time
that you believe that ill survive.

Being cliche is common
People don't have an original thought
They act as if individuality is a sin
and things your way
is the wrong way
Society has become an army of hateful words
shared from behind a screen
where the worst insult given is "gay"
we are a bigoted society
sipping on cynicism
this is America
Where being cliche is common.

My eyes stare when I'm around you
My mind begins to freeze
My body starts to melt and
My knees do as they please
My heart begins to pause
Momentarily not a lot
My eyes dart everywhere not
Wanting eye contact
When you smile, I smile I feel
Like a wall still and upright
You never cease to amaze me
Or make me forget what
I was going to say

It's hard
It's hard to live
Every turn there's a new obstacle
for you to go through
Sprinkle some fun happy moments
and you get a normal life
Then there are others
Some that are overwhelmingly extravagant life and then those
that were never meant to be good
No matter which of these lives you have
It never hurts to make the best out of it
And to those that would rather die than
Live your life
Why? Why waste a perfectly good life
You were meant to rule over
A life you were meant to lead
A life YOU yourself can change
To those that look down on those who don't have the finer things
What have they done to you?
Do you even know WHO they are?
Do you know why they ARE
Who they are?
Lives were meant to be lived by one person
And one person in particular
You live your life YOU make the decisions
On your own
Why take for granted a life someone else would want
Why frown on someone for having a life
they themselves didn't want?
What's the point in judging the lives of others?
There isn't one.
For my final say
I'll say just one thing
Don't forget to be happy
At least once a day