Should I fear the sunset
At daybreak?
Should I be numb?
Or should I gild a mask
And live out the rest
As though
Acknowledgement
Of the bell toll slipped
And pretend.

One day
Has through been marked
And life goes on.
No beginning
Can avoid the end
And certainly
Not one such as I,
I’m a piece of the puzzle
A star to blaze
In the night.

The only question on my mind--
Will that blaze carry on
Through the night sky
Careen through
And outshine
Andromeda,
For galaxies
From millions away
To be awe-inspired
And unite if only for a moment,
Or will it be snuffed out
Only to be left
In the memory of few.

Should I fear the sunset
At daybreak?
Should I be numb?
Or should I gild a mask
And live out the rest
As though
Acknowledgement
Of the bell toll slipped
And pretend.

One day
Has through been marked
And life goes on.
No beginning
Can avoid the end
And certainly
Not one such as I,
I’m a piece of the puzzle
A star to blaze
In the night.

The only question on my mind--
Will that blaze carry on
Through the night sky
Careen through
And outshine
Andromeda,
For galaxies
From millions away
To be awe-inspired
And unite if only for a moment,
Or will it be snuffed out
Only to be left
In the memory of few.

Of all the scars
Amassed from misadventures many
Beside the ones I'm proud to have survived
And the ones I've humbly taken a lesson from
There is one scar I can't bear to see
A small scratch of a scar
But it's being so mild that drives me crazy.

This scar was created
By separation from someone
Who I once tried to be one with
Yet it is not the fact they left
That covers my taste buds in bitterness when I recall
But the fact that they only left

It's a small scar
And should've disappeared by now
But I can't keep myself
From reopening it to keep the pain fresh
In hopes that feeling some small pain
Over and over
May someday satisfy my desire to be punished

They left me with this scar
But I left them with many more
The deepest kind that comes from trusting
From believing in me
Before I believed in myself
And I betrayed this trust
This belief

Not once.
Not twice.
I left you with three deep cuts.

In moments of apathy
I lost sight of what you meant to me
I lost sight of everything
And with the will to live resigned
I told myself you deserved better
As if I had any say
A naive ******* and a child.

I hid behind these excuses
Believing I was a victim of my sickness
To deny responsibility
And whether because of exhaustion
Or some small part of you that still believed
I was granted a pardon
You would only leave and nothing more

But now that I've chosen to shoulder the blame I deserve
I'm sick to see this small scar is all I have
For all I've done to you
But maybe the punishment I want now
Is not the one I deserve.
Maybe this is justice
To ever so slowly burn.

Why do I let you steal my sleep,
With tattooed memories of
Your eyes before you kissed me,
Or the way your breathing felt,
When my lips could feel
Your intendedly loud exhales
Against your throat?

You’ve stolen my will to dream.
I just pull at my hair,
And burn my arms
With streaks of red  
From fingernails scratching
Away my skin,
To appease the temptation,
To ignite my masochistic tendencies.

I am scattered as a vase,
Let from fingertips,
Whose will was promised strong,
And fidelity was faked.

I’m nothing but a train
Wailing the horns
With no brakes,
My memories of you are replaced with scorn,
Opposing my heart--
Too stubborn to be convinced
Of your lies.

I’m sputtering, with a loving
Heart that never predicted
This path to take.
I have nothing to say.
You had a lot of firsts in my book,
But never would I have thought
You’d be the first I erased.

Honesty was a trait I once admired
Within you, but now,
I wish your hypocrisy
Was hidden from the light;
The smoking gun you handed me, yourself,
I wish you kept it out of sight.
Why must I be forever scarred
Knowing the one I loved,
Shot me in the heart?

Why does despair hold me tighter,
Than your words or the touch of skin?
Fall witness to your impiety, pray,
And victimize the weight of your sin
And be forgiven.

For the grudge I hold might beg of me,
In my own impiety,
Onto my knees, praying, myself, that you won’t be,
But cursed are we who think,
Any control is given within clasping hands,
And narrow teeth;
Cursed are we,
Who speak
From the backseat,
On revenge’s itinerary.

I woke up breathless and gasping
My heartbeats almost too fast to count
Even my dreams now
Are riddled with anxiety
Like blood dispersing through clear water
The blackness swirls elegantly
Spreading gently to every part of me
To lie in wait
Until the stress comes
And when it does
The inky blackness that settled gently
Into my muscles and bones
Contracts all at once
Locking me in place
Squeezing the air out of my lungs
Accelerating my heart towards burnout
Setting my mind on fire
Until I can't focus to have a single thought
And dissolve into panic

It's days like these
That make me wish I was bored again.

Wringing out a cloth
Of blood tinged indescribable,
Will you accept the loss you’ve gained
Are you scraped within the shadow?

Life is springing from that material
As though the one who lost,
Has made a new
Through the stains
That will never be completely flushed.

Color will be reimposed,
Washed will be the hands riddled with red,
Deep breaths will be regained
After the brutal adrenaline subsides,
But the memory of the sanity lost
From such an impulsive enclosure
Proliferates rancid transcendence
Within your lungs.

Will you be able to live with what you’ve done?
Are you lost to the silence
Ringing in the blood flow
That cannot be unimprinted?
Your hands too cold to feel
Your blood too clotted to boil into an outpour
To let a scream reach inside
To unrestrain your throat.
No way you’ll endure
You’re just a second
From realising taking a life
Isn’t something revenge restores
And the punishment is written in your eyes
I wonder if you’ll keep them closed.

I see you over there
Staring at the floor
Behind your eyes
I can see that you want more
You know what it is
What you’re looking for
But dreams are hard to chase
And they’re easy to ignore

So you keep your head down
So your feet don’t leave that floor
Cause there’s no chance of falling
If you never try to soar
But does the pain of knowing
What you could do
Ever go away
When you pretend that you don’t want it
Is it any easier that way

You can tell your feet
To leave the ground
Take a deep breath
And ignore the sound
Of the doubts inside your head
That are keeping you down
Do it now

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Your body’s heavy  
And it’s a battle just to breathe
So where could you ever find the strength
To even try to leave
Take a long look inside
Don’t leave the dreaming for your bed
The fire inside you will burn
Until you give up or you’re dead

Stillness is the surest sign
That you’ve lost sense of your will
It may be small in the beginning
But in time it’s strong enough to ****
You can move your body
With a soul that’s stuck in place
And it’s easy to lose sight of the point
When you learn that all will be erased

So what if nothing here
Means anything
If you find something
That means everything to you
A reason for living
A purpose you give yourself
Chase it now.

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Just hang in there
You’ve only a moment to shine
You can’t impact everybody’s life
But you’ve impacted mine
You’ve made the one small speck of time I have
So much better
I’ll remember you forever
Even though my forever has an end
It made my everything
Just to know you, friend.

My eyelids wane like a raging
Sun strewn across
An unexpecting moon’s surface
To be viewed
From the thin slice of this desolate
Bitter blue planet.

Given a phase
By the uncomfortable
So that 28 days were easier understood,
And when eclipses flair,
Screaming across the sky,
We predict
So that schedules are constructed,
Making safe the unstable.

Writing a soft chill
When the dark side
Is the point of complexion shining
And we give labels
And names
To block out our
Primal fear
Of being so far away
And so forgotten to the stars.

The waxing and waning moon
In the sky residing,
Has no phases to itself,
Its rotation is not
But an orbit around our world.
Blame it on the moon,
But the moon never changes
Unlike these eyes
Eclipsed by your arrogance,
And shamed through your labels.

Not everything has to align
To your egocentricity.
Not the labeled one in the sky,
And not these,
Whose iris blocks out the aurora
That rages shallowly behind.
Your view may be true to you,
As the moon is only true to itself,
But the only difference:

One is an opinion
Forged within but a lifetime
As the other has folded upon tens
For a myriad of chances to evolve,
And yet never changed, thus has been
Sewn into fact,
Avoiding your cage,
That, if you only looked closer,
You’d understand
These bars
Wall up only yourself,
And maybe that comforts you.

So build your walls,
Tighten the blurry line,
Make true to life
Your ability to shine
In God’s eyes.
While the outsiders
Remain,
Free to finally come to accept themselves,
Since you’re barred behind your cage,
Raging,
While the world presses on,
Without you
And your idealistic crowd.

Falter your steps
To form a line
And march, you saints,
To where the road tapers,
Maybe you too will be left behind
By those you thought
Were on your side,

I wonder if your God
Is more forgiving
Unto those who lived
With an open mind,
Than those of you
Who counted heads,
Locked yourselves away,
And despised.

It’s cold
And there’s no air here
But there’s no need
After all we’re only dreaming

The cold is only here
As long as you believe it is
So simply believe the weather’s nice
And lets gaze out into nothingness

Deep into the great empty
Small white lights blink at us
As if to say hello
And we’ll wink back

They are distant friends
Of our giant shining orb
Busy lighting up
The moons and planets and all other bodies in their orbit

It’s quiet up here
Surrounded by silver sands
Nearly untouched
By the other animals

The animals below
That live and die
That laugh and cry
Every experience on the spectrum of animal emotions all on a blue dot.

It’s nice to be away from it
If only for a little while
And truly just do nothing
But nothing with you is everything.

I hope I don’t wake up soon
So I can still take in the view
So I can cherish this moment while dreaming

After all, that’s the only time I’m with you..

I came into the world
Covered in slimy filth
I was given a name
My hair and my eyes
Already their gene appointed color
But it seems that nothing about me
Would shape my future more
Than what was or wasn't between my legs

I will always be a male by ***
But gender was assumed
Assigned because nobody knew better
A sign of the times I was born into
But as the world changed
New parts of my mind
Were opened and now I see differently

*** determined organs
And ****** functions
The rate of my growth
Tweaked hormones and such
Made me predisposed to conditions
Purely biological,
My ***

My gender however,
Determined how I was treated
Came with social implications
Of how I should act
Often split me from other humans...

I was given different advice
Held to different expectations
My role in a marriage
Other strange implications...

But   why ?

Not why genders have rules
But why genders at all
It bothers me the differences
Made by the pronouns you're called

I was born with a *****
I was born with a ******
But I don't feel like a man
I don't feel like a woman

These labels are arbitrary
And I long to be free of them
Why must I be man or woman
I just want to be person


I believe my consciousness is without gender.
I'm just a person. That's it.


This experience - is gender apathy.