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Broadsky Jul 2019
I want to scream at you. I want to shout at you until it clicks; I'm the one for you. I'm the one you should have loved. I'm the one you should be smiling at when you wake up. You never should have let me go, I was sold. No refunds with this purchase. So you just left me on the side of the road and said you'd come back for me. Days passed, months passed, years passed. I've built a home while you've left, would you like a tour? When I finally move out will I ask you to come over? Even when you become single will you return my calls? Ha, if you become single. You're going to be 25 in November, I can't believe it. We broke up when you were 20 you said. That really shocked me. I wish you still read my poetry, I wish you still saw a future with me, I wish you had more patience, I wish you could have seen that you can’t use the same standards with me. I'm unlike anything you've ever held in your **** hands and you know I have the cosmos in my eyes. Did you want to venture beyond that? Was one universe completely devoted to you not enough? Oh right, money. I won't achieve my goals? My goals are to be happy, to be healthy and to heal myself of wounds caused by people who didnt believe in me like you. I am achieving my goals. It's amazing how well someone can do in the right environment. I dont think you get how abusive my father was, I dont think you realize I have dreams that I can't remember in the morning but my heart is racing and I can't breathe. These night terrors, moments of mania, moments of low, moments when I needed you. I needed you. You weren't there. How many times did I go to the hospital? Do you remember coming over to my house with beer and holding me while I slept after I got home? Do you remember going home when I told you I wanted you? I remember you fell back in love with me and I ******* pushed you away. What the ****. My life has been moving so fast ever since you left and I can't see you anymore. I’m spinning too fast and I'm holding my hand out for you to stop me. Every time my phone rings I pray it’s you. Every single time my phone chimes I hope it’s you telling me you miss me and that you want to see me. I want to beg you to come back but no one should do that. I want to push this girl off of you and kiss you instead, I want you to come behind me while I dance and move with me like we used to. Do you still watch the videos we made? We made a couple. We made a great couple. We were so ******* cute together. Poster couple, poster happy, hip, cool couple. With me you'd be reminded of the taste of life, with her she's reminding you to take the trash out. I wanted to make our ******* bed. I wanted to wash your ***** clothes and hang them up, I wanted to dust off our shelves with our pictures of all the vacations we took and the trinkets we picked up from them. I wanted to get our kids ready for school. I wanted to drop them off and kiss their curly haired heads. I wanted to walk around your father’s backyard barefoot, in a skirt, hair long as could be, with our son picking flowers. I impressed your father to a degree but without a degree I was still just a girl from a broken home with another excuse and then that’s all you began to see. And that ******* killed me.
I wrote this in December of 2018, I reread this just now and my jaw dropped. Sometimes I impress myself with my ability to explain just how badly I wanted you and just how badly you hurt me. I don’t feel this way anymore, I’ve finally healed from the lashes you cast upon me. I no longer look for you on those downtown streets and I no longer wish I was still yours, I learned what it meant to be loved by you... to be hurt by you and make no mistake I would push you away in a heartbeat if you wanted me back again.

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