I found you in a pool of blood in the bathtub of your grandfather's house and I swear it took a lifetime for the ambulance to show up and I was crying and holding your hand and watching the life drain from your eyes that once were so beautiful and blue but now are just hollow and dead and they wouldn't let me see you for almost a day but I cried in the waiting room the entire time. I guess you weren't lying when you said that house reminded you of death.

The circle of life says that anything born must die and Jesus **** I must have died at least a hundred times by now and I swore my heart stopped beating when you slammed the door but I can still hear the 'I love you's' and I can still see the way you look at her and grab her by the hips with the same hands that you had around my ******* neck so it only makes sense that someone would have put me in the ground by now but I guess the poison you spit into my mouth hasn't made its way to my bloodstream yet.

I don't really mind if you got a C in history your sophomore year in high school or if you sometimes laugh so hard you snort. I don't mind if you talk in your sleep or if you can't dance to save your life. It's okay if you sometimes have one too many drinks at the bar and you come home drunk, or if you hate Crazy, Stupid, Love. If you don't like my meatloaf or you can't stand my best friend,  that's okay. As long as you promise to always **** spiders for me and keep my feet warm, and you don't go around giving free 'I love you's' to any girl who smiles at you like I did, I'll love you until the day I die.

In my anatomy class we learned that the ribcage was meant to protect the heart, but mine must be faulty because you reached right in and grabbed it out of my ******* chest and threw it against the wall. For someone who said they'd always be there, you're being kind of distant and if you're going to pretend I don't exist it'd be nice if you put me back together first.

It's easy to fall in love with someone when you believe their touch is magic and their words were meant just for you. It's easy to love someone who smiles at you in class and who holds your hand in the hallway. It's so easy to love the idea you created in your head of someone, but when you finally realize that their touch was toxic and their words were ******* knives you'll see that what you thought love was is actually pain and you'd do anything for it as long as they called you beautiful at the end of the night. Smiles can be deceiving, baby girl, and sometimes when he grabs your hand it's not because he loves you but because if you got away he'd have nothing left to control. Don't let anyone spit poison in your mouth unless they're willing to spend all night in the emergency room with you when you try to rip it out of your veins to stop the burning in your throat and the aching inside your heart.

I'll be the first to admit that I cried when you left. I cried for three god ****** weeks. I'm surprised my cheeks aren't permanently tear-streaked and red, and I'm sure my pillow is still damp. You broke my heart when you hung up the phone that night, and although I said you were the only one for me, today I saw a cute boy in the book store who smiled at me like I was the only girl there. And even though my heart is in a million pieces on my apartment floor, I'm willing to glue it back together if it means you will stop bothering me in my nightmares.

I never understood why they called it 'falling in love' until you kissed me. I must have lost my balance somewhere along the string of 'you can trust me' and 'I'll never hurt you's' because I fell and I couldn't find somewhere steady to catch myself. But then you slammed the door when you left and I hit the bottom and I shattered on the kitchen floor and I realized that falling means breaking and 'I love you' has an expiration date.

It took me two months to fall in love with your laugh, your smile, your eyes. Two months to fall for your stories about high school and the way you talk about your mom. Eight weeks was all it took to be completely captivated by everything you were. The way you walked, the freckles on your arms, the deep breaths you took when you were focusing as hard as you could. And I swore that you were heaven shaped into a man and that if I could just pretend that you would stay forever, maybe it would be true. But just like my dad told me when I was little, good things never really last and boys who look like they can give you the world would rather hold oceans and mountains before they'd ever dream of holding you. You couldn't give me the world but I hope you at least take the sand with you when you go.

I told you that you could leave when you wanted to, so long as you didn't slam the door and take my heart with you when you went, and you told me that you'd never leave, you promised to love me forever.
Hesitant as I was, I learned to trust the words you said to me over the phone at three in the morning. Silly me, I should have known you were spitting poison down my throat the entire time, waiting until I looked away before you set fire to everything I thought I was. You slammed the door so hard I swear it almost came off its hinges and all the pictures hanging on the wall almost shattered on the floor. My heart and my sanity must have packed themselves in your bag when you left because I haven't been able to get out of bed in six days and I feel so fragile I could break if you called. I guess my mom was right when she told me to watch where I fell because sometimes puddles can be lakes and when I called her crying at four am screaming, "BUT HE PROMISED MOM, OH GOD HE PROMISED HE'D NEVER LEAVE" she had nothing to say but "I told you so."

5/16
Thanks for driving me home, I had fun. Tell your mom she's a wonderful cook. I'll call you in the morning.

5/30
I think I left my cardigan in your car. I guess that gives us an excuse to hang out after school. Text me tomorrow.

6/12
My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow. Call me if you can. She makes an amazing stew. Love you.

6/29
I love you so much. Call me tomorrow.

7/20
I can still feel your fingertips on my face. I love you.

8/1
I'm sorry about your grandpa, call me if you need anything. My mom made stew again and she wants me to bring it by. I love you.

8/19
I skipped history so I could get drunk behind the football field again. I've already had three shots but I'm sure you could catch up. Meet me down here.

8/20
Thanks for driving me home again. I'm sorry I threw up on your passenger seat. I'll buy you a seat cover. I love you.

9/2
I think I'm more drunk than I've ever been. I don't know where I'm at. Can you come get me?

9/3
I know you're mad at me but you could at least answer my calls.

9/7
Hey, it's getting dark and I'm getting drunk. Come over.

9/30
I really need you. Call me?

10/16
It's almost 4 am. You forgot to call me tonight. That's okay though, I forgive you. I have a lot to tell you. Call me when you wake up.

11/1
The first time you kissed me I could taste the ***** on your lips. When he kissed me last night I tasted the beer you couldn't stand.

11/30
Please come over. Your lips are poison but I'm ready to die.

12/9
I miss you.

12/23
Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas. And take care of yourself, I know you drink a lot during the holidays.

1/1
My new years resolution was to get over you. It was going good until I took four shots and accidentally called you instead of deleting your number.

1/7
You ******* ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall and when I cried you spit poison into my veins. You're a ******* monster.