Depression hit me harder than I'd thought this time, the loss of a brother pushed me to my end, since the day we met it was conditioned as a heart that learned from mistakes, the friends made were the stakes at high and the loss of self and gain of lesson was the turning point of a heart........and yet, he, no I dwell on the past, I drown myself in regrets of what I could've done and what I could've said, I had no idea that this would hurt, I'd no idea that my heart would ache more and more as I thought about you, I, I drowned in what other called depression, I called it drowning in your heart, I made excuses and made endless distractions abroad because I wanted to run away.......he felt the need to cope, so he bought drugs and told himself he'd be okay, he made everyday the same in his mind even though every day is meant to change, he felt his heart was tragedy and his mind was creatively crashing.......he, no, I told myself every aspect of the heart was a lesson, and every aspect of the mind was a growth, but how can that be when you drown in the unthinkable, you push yourself to see the unbelievable, he hopes for better days, endlessly knowing and knowing deeply he had no options in choice, he had no voice because fear of disappointments pushed him to sorrows.........I as a kid had no way of showing how I felt because tears were my friends and beatings were the antagonist, I threw endlessly screams and howls at the wall and tears flew, my blood flowed like it would in my body and it hurt, this boy who had endless love for change, learned pain is a must in the creative and even more so growth through pain.......he made endless quotes and endless stories endless songs and poems explaining his hopes and his sorrows as if writing a book of his life which couldn't be explained this boy became the steering wheel for a breed of children who knew hurt and put it aside to learn from what they saw, they learned what abuse was, they learned loss, when they lost themselves. And they loves to learn those adoring pretending basterds, hope for the best is what they'd say but advice given to them would not be looked upon as helpful, they had levels of pain and love which never countered their pain......so tell me the truth realizing that your heart and mind are loving and learning will you be quiet to the fact that holding him back will make the boy unhappy, wanting to grow and yet having a brick wall in the way.......telling me this boy is ambitious, yet apparently to gain and loss would he even be so......

No more excuses, no more laughs and fake smiles/ I've got to change, I'm so stuck in the past and dwelling on the future that I can't even choose where my present will be/ I've choked up and looked at myself as a clown and haven't even chosen my path, I'm straying from the given path and getting off at the wrong stop/I have to change for the better and no it's not for Rocky, it's not for my mother, it's for me, it's so I can adore what I'd become, so I can love myself like I love my mother, so I can love myself like  my friends and enemies love each other, unconditionally/ ironic right, hate turns to love and love turns to hate, but me the one person I'd rather not be is me, I hate myself with a passion because I always disappoint and never intend to/ I break down on the inside and crying is the thing I'd hate but love to do because it will let me know that I've become more than a man, I've become a man whose dreams became reality/  I'll become that person that's not looked at as another statistic, I'll be the kid everyone looked at as better day, the kid everyone put a burden on and he led them in the right path/ he helped them like they helped him, stories will be told of his ***** ups and then his strives will be brought up like water to a dry ocean/ he ***** up and then he arrives with a different way of thinking, his love becomes reality and he explains it through his actions not his words/ lust becomes his enemy and he eventually destroys it, it may have seemed to him like an endless maze of sorrows and endless ******* with nothing but desires unfinished/ but now, now this boy will become something better, his heart will become his desire, his love for a better self becomes his true friend and he does not stop till he feels his heart, he does not stop till that dark heart beat becomes apart of his mind state and motions/ for the better this boy WILL change in the aspects of Gods love, he will not hesitate and be afraid he will look at the ocean and not see darkness he will see his reflection and see his light shine through, he will see his heart beat louder than a whale squeal, he will become the one outstanding piece in a puzzle he will cause love to be his motive and will not change that motive until love is being until love is seen in the opposite *** and that love shown is given on a wide scale/ he may choke in certain aspects or maybe all, but he will not change his being, he will become the boy who became a man for the better.........