how was your day?
so, do you want the version where
I fought the dragons just after you left
fell off the cliff before coffee
was paralysed by fear after lunch
sweat an ocean
didn't speak to anyone all afternoon
curled up and waited for you to come home and ask...

how was your day?

fine. yeah, it was fine
how was yours?

@journeyofdays

say this will end
tell me something good
keep me here with you
hold me close
don’t let me fly away

                                                                ­            ...I won't know the way back

@journeyofdays

I. antemortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
antemortem, would I …
take the path
say nothing
submit to the pain
still believe it was worth it
avoid cataclysm
fight harder
not fight at all
believe in a higher cause
endure the torture
deny my nature
avoid the execution
accept the cup
walk into that storm again

II. postmortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
postmortem, could I
walk in that desert
get totally lost
live without hope
not haunt myself
see the outcome
park my brain
know that it will end
suffer with gratitude
exist
forgive myself
accept the loss
forgive them
not want death
skip this part
willingly submit to it again

III. antenatal
from this place, further along this journey of days
antenatal, I understand
impacts of trauma
being empty
processes of grief
some wounds heal
… others do not
manifestations of evil
fighting to live
seeking control
...and never getting it
human frailty
frailty of mind
reconstructing a mind
listening to quiet
struggling for reason
struggling for purpose
seeking pain
going backwards
pulling together the threads
becoming
submitting to time

IV. postnatal*
ut consilium*

@journeyofdays

this analogous dance step we have happening
looks beautiful from above
we dip, parry, swirl and turn
creating marbled patterns across the battered and weathered landscape of other people’s lives

a progression for two voices
written together, but, we'll never meet
the same tonic
do you sing your part or play
I play, the other to create the chord,
a harmony, not seeing the instruments each other plays

we could be friends you know
share our story, the ones that looks so alike
at best we simply yell across the divide
warning each other about the things that are thrown at us from the sides
events and types that divert our paths and cause us to dance our river, cutting through the dirt

the bomb that went off in my life is coming to you next
you can see it from where you stand
helpless to stop it, unable to run ahead, we know it is going to hit….now
I feel your pain, understand, riding the the shockwaves tumbling through the aftermath
just like you did for me last week.

lives in parallel
destined never to meet
observing each across a plane
knowing the path each other treads
destined never to meet

@thisjourneyofdays

don’t leave my side
finding this really hard...the being social thing
I know, I know, I was fun..before
talking is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
smell the fear...****, I can smell it
I know, I know, these people are friends
being someone is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
spinning, the room is spinning
I know, I know, ...keep it light, chat, smile
happy faces is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
please
please
just h-hold my hand

#thisjourneyofdays

my merry-go-round in space recklessly spinning and dipping generating an impending doom
building it’s cyclical appointment with a crash
it ***** at the air
look to the horizon! God! I feel sick
think... think... need to get off
leave this crushing fatigue
but it won’t let me sleep.

#thisjourneyofdays

meditate - ink -  pray
keeps me from
drink - cry - coma

think - draw - breathe
helps with
process - know - conquer


punch  - walk - yell
guards me from
fear - hate - intemperance

write - write - write
saves me from
myself


#thisjourneyofdays

the stone in my chest
sits
weighs heavy
almost cannot remember the time before
it came to lodge
it knows I am writing about it


I notice it more when thinking
like now
it knows I am writing about it

distracted, feel it there.
most of the time it just presses ever so still against my heart
not letting me forget
masking
it knows I am writing about it


the stone in my chest
grinds me up
inside out
it moves around
sinks me
it knows I am writing about it

know you are there
my little ticking time bomb
opportunist without a face
it knows I am writing about it
plotting

@journeyofdays

you had it but you don’t anymore
but why
anxiety rising
fear places
fear people
over analyse any situation
protect

you had it but you don’t any more
but why do I ...
not trust
not sleep
drag my **** through some days
sit near the exit
sit at the back

you had it but you don’t anymore
ok then, so this, right here, is normal now???
******* great!

@journeyofdays

you want to understand beyond the observation
there is more to this than what you see
something more than words can ever describe
it changes you inside
changes the fabric

a test of fire
and it can be unbearably cold
overload of emotion raw and raging
leaving you numb and lifeless
retreating to indifference is a survival plan

do you understand
you need to feel this
words cannot describe
drink this cup and tell me it is otherwise

@journeyofdays