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If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain,
the endless rain, the purple rain...
If you like Special Brew, well, no-one actually likes Special Brew,
but if there's times you'll do anything to misconstrue pain.

If you like Pina Coladas sharing a bath,
if your heart's been smithereened but you still like a laugh,
if sometimes you feel like you're still 16
and no-one wants to dance, then I'm the love

who's bit bananas, bit vanilla, prudish heart true,
I'm the lover it'd hurt to hurt you.
My exes said they loved me, but they all had X-ies.
Sensitive guys just ain't ****.

If you like making love at midnight in the dunes at Walberswick,
if you think you'll never meet anyone interesting on the internet,
if you've put 'non-smoker' but when you get let down you seek
cigarettes, then reply on OKCupid and we'll quit regrets.

If you think short guys ain't worth ****,
but you must admit you're a manlet magnet,
well, I walked the eggshell vale from l'homlette to Hamlet,
the razor's edge of the quietus a bare bodkin makes

to meet a sensimilla Ophelia too ******
on sadness to be near the lake this late.
I'll throw the rubber ring of love like a bouquet, catch it!
It's yours.
But sensitive guys just ain't **** no more.

I'll throw that life-preserver of love tho' I throw like a girl,
and Pina Coladas leave me cold like the rain.
But reply on OKCupid and for the 1st time in les temps perdu,
let's feel like French teens frenchying by banks of the Seine

(if you 'll settle for  picnic by the Broads, Norfolk don't have a cape).
Don't make me feel like Gimli from Tolkien, who his battleaxe
for chap of below average height's bare bodkin escape, ay?
Like sensitive guys just ain't **** these days.

— The End —