Why is it that some parents
Think that it's okay
To name their children Jesus
If they're born on Christmas day?

They name their children badly
Christmas names just do not fit
Imagine Frosty Watanabe
I bet he feels a twit

There's rules that must be followed
Jesus is not the name to use
No matter when your kid was born
He's not the leader of the Jews

We knew a J.C. Fitzmorris
When I was a kid in school
Said his name was Jesus Christ
To us, that wasn't cool

Poor J.C. took a beating
When he said that name of his
You see, no one did believe him
I felt so sorry for old Fitz

Holly Berry, Frosty
Snowflake and the rest
Are just not names for children
These names just aren't the best

Your child will just hate you
If you name them by the season
A friend of mine named Cupid
Is in therapy for this reason

So, please don't name them Jesus
Rudolph, Frosty, even Nick
There is only ever one of these
And your kid will feel a ****

But, if one night three months from now
The Holy Ghost pays you a visit
I think Jesus might be a good name
It's not so bad now...is it?

Do you know those Christmas Letters?
The one's that people love to send
The one's that make the family
Just feel like they're a friend

We get them every Christmas
And we cringe when they arrive
They make me want to  have a few
And go and drink and drive

I'd sooner jump off of a cliff
Than send these letters to
My friends and yes, my family
I hope that you would too

I don't care if you planted mums
or if the cat gave birth in May
You can phone if it's important
If you've got something good to say

I don't need to read a journal
Of every thing you did last year
If I really truly counted
You'd phone me up so I could hear

I like a card at Christmas time
But the letters have to end
don't even send them by e-post
Think twice and don't hit send

Next year I may send one myself
Something I've not done before
It's gonna be a long one
It will start in sixty four

So, please, although I love you
and I want you in my life
Don't send me Christmas journals
They're too heavy for my wife!!!

On Christmas Day we wake up
We've no stocking on our bed
We've got a plastic kit box
taking up space there instead
You see, we aren't at home with you
Even though you wish we are
We're celebrating Christmas
Over here in Khandahar

A big Merry Christmas to friends and family
of Cpl. Mike Cannandale of St. Louis, Missouri, USA

We have our turkey dinner too
Stuffing, taters, pumpkin pie
We all sit here telling stories
And it's hard just not to cry
so, we do, because we're not back home
Having Christmas like you all
But, we're over here in Khandahar
Because we all answered the call

Merry Christmas to all friends and family of Liuetenant James Mc Caskill
of Great Grimsby, Lincolnshire, England

We have a snowman by our tent
He's made of plywood, painted white
Thank god, we made no snowballs up
We'd get splinters  in a fight
We go to church and pray for peace
And wish we could go home
But, over here at Christmas time
There's just no where to roam

Merry Christmas to friends and family of
Captiain John Watson, PPCLI, in Greenwood, Nova Scotia, Canada

We made our videos last week
To send you our best wishes
We'd all love to be back with you
Washing up those Christmas dishes
For now, we are one family
Joined in heart, and soul and mind
Having a Christmas meal in Khandahar
The best meal of it's kind

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to friends
and family, of Marine Master Sgt. Tim Wilcox, Plano, Texas, USA

Next year we will be home with you
Having Christmas as we should
Praying for peace, hope and prosperity
And all things that are good
for now though, we are over here
missing you this Christmas Day
We just hope you're thinking of us
As we keep the foe at bay

Merry Christmas to all the friends, family, co-workers and supporters
of all the soldiers in War Zones everywhere, who can't be at home this Christmas
May they all get home safe.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Fall is here
With it comes colour
Hallowe'en
and dread

Not dread from having to rake
Not dread because another year slipped away
Not dread because the kids are back to school
Dread because Christmas is coming

Dread because you haven't taken down the lights
Dread because you haven't checked the lights

Dread because you haven't got your cards ready to send
Dread because you need to update address lists
Dread because you're hosting dinner and aren't ready
Dread because you don't know who is bringing what
Dread because you can't trust everyone to bring the right stuff

Dread because you haven't got sizes for everyone for gifts
Dread because you need paper, and ribbons and bows
Dread because the 3 spirits haven't visited yet
Dread because you haven't been to buy the spirits yet
Dread because you don't know how big a bird to get
Dread because you don't know if it should be goose or turkey
Dread because your son is bringing his vegetarian "friend"
Dread because you don't know if the "friend" is male or female and you've met twice already


Dread because your'e not ready for Christmas
and it's ONLY SEPTEMBER 3 !!!

I've picked on all those Christmas sweaters
and the letters we recieve
I've written about Santa and the Angels
and the things we all believe

But, I have never ever written
About the food we choose to eat
I've never picked on Christmas Turkey
and all the other kinds of meat

At our house for our Christmas dinner
We'd get turkey, maybe duck
It was always something different
And it wasn't just to save a buck

One year we sat down to dinner
something different every year
we had pig, goat and chicken
and one year we sat down to deer

Birds of every sort have fed us
We've eaten things I can't describe
But, with every meal we drink a little
to **** the taste, we must imbibe

One year we had some seafood
Drumsticks there to be had by all
Octopus, was on the menu
It fell off a truck back in the fall

To tell the truth , a Christmas Turkey
Is not something that we get
I love the surprise at the table
Eating what we've not had yet

What we get, our dad runs over
most times squirrel or a deer
We get more food when he's been drinking
So we always send him out with beer

I know that we once had rabbit
Thought it could have been a cat
Another Christmas Dinner surprise
And that is all I'll say on that...

Merry Christmas...enjoy your turkey

Have you ever "dashed through the snow"
"in a one horse open sleigh"
Seen eight maids a milking
saw the three ships I saw today

Have you ever seen a reindeer
With a nose that blinks bright red
Dreamt of fairies and of sugar plums
While sleeping in your bed

Have you ever put a penny
In the old man's hat
Sat down in the parlor
And played "the ministers cat"?

Have you travelled off to whoville
Seen the grinch, his fur all green
Have you ever seen Oriental Kings
Frankincense..I've never seen

But, at Christmas, yes at Christmas
We all sing and sing so well
Of these things that we believe in
And of things we know so well

I've never seen a Christmas
Where a snowman comes to life
But, for me, he lives each Christmas
With Jack Frost, and Frosty's wife

Seeing is believing,
But at Christmas, not so much
We believe in Father Christmas
Things we can't see and won't touch

Christmas is more than  giving
It's a feeling in your soul
It's believing in mankinds goodness
Christmas makes me whole.

It doesn't matter if you're set
Christmas always comes
Even if you do forget
It doesn't matter if you're set

Even if real ****** you get
On egg nog with five different rums
It doesn't matter if you're set
Christmas Always Comes!!

If you've never pulled some tinsel
Out of your cat's ****
Or cleaned up after "Fluffy"
Eats the poinsetta and throws up

Surely, you've redecorated
After "Fluffy" climbs the tree
You hear it smash into the floor
In the morning, about three

You've used wire to support it
Keep it straight, that is your goal
To "Fluffy" it's her present
It's her brand new scratching pole

When the tree has got no water
But, the cat just has to ***
You have to fill the bowl again
Beneath the dying tree

You kick ornaments around the room
And find out that they're glass
Because "Fluffy" had to play with them
So, you kick her in the ***

It's a Family Christmas Ritual
If you're the owner of a cat
You can't decorate and leave it
She won't have none of that

Christmas is the season
For cats to drive you mad
And give you Christmas memories
You wish you never had

So, if you've never seen the tinsel
That the cat ate just last night
You can see it just below her tail
If the light just hits it right

This is why I have a dog....

I'm not one for religion
I believe in what I choose
I am not one to comment
on Christians, Hindus, Jews
Put your faith in something
It's not my place to say where
But, if it doesn't work the first time
Don't just leave it there
I believe there is a reason
But, I still do not know what
Things are not determined
Make the best of what you've got
I can't explain to someone
the things I do not know
And I hate religion salesmen
On TV selling faith there on their show
Having faith is something special
It's something I can't quite get
Many people talked to me
But, I don't get it yet
I have been to church to listen
And see if I find God
But, I leave still feeling empty
I feel such a silly sod
Mary, Joseph, Angels
I can put a face to these
But it doesn't give me solace
I can't drop to my knees
The last time that I went there
I sat in back beside a lad
And when the service finished
He was sitting, rather sad
He looked at me and questioned
Between some sniffles and some sneezes
If I could help him understand
About the baby cheeses !!

Bill Watson was an average man
Had a wife and just one kid
He always gave top effort
At everything he did
But, one day, Bill was shaken
He was taken by surprise
By a visit from the heavens
And it was right before his eyes
Bill, went out into his backyard
And the sky lit up so bright
It could only be an angel
Come down to him that night
He looked, but couldn't make out
the shape that  came down  from the sky
He thought what was the reason
And he found no reason why
That he should get a visit
From an angel of the lord
His life was not of great importance
He was just one of the hoard
He believed and read his bible
But didn't quite live by the word
He went to church each year at Christmas
Although his sins could not be cured
But, here in his back garden
On his knees before the light
Bill Wilson confessed his sins to god
In the dark, this  Christmas night
He told the angel of his feelings
Of all the sins, of thought and deed
And he knelt there before the angel
waiting for the penance that he'd need
But, nothing broke the silence
Only Bill there in the yard
He couldn't quite make out the angel
though he tried so very hard
Then from behind the illumination
Came the word he waited for
"You've tripped the motion light, you *****"
"Now, come in and close the door!"