& suddenly everything became about you.

i was gold
but allowed myself
to be treated as silver

he told me to hold him
in the palms of his hands
interlock our fingers played

yet his makeup felt similar
of one who dealt heartbreak
upon my endless loving  

wanting to speak independently
feelings of unsecured danger
i do not like to be touched

i still am here
after you have
shown me that
there is nothing
worth staying for

the prized image of me
deserves more respect
from not the world
but my own self
because i am my own enemy

it was late winter when you decided to run away. at first i chased right after you. allowing my mild case of asthma to almost damaged my lungs. i tried my best to keep up but you were just too fast for me to catch up. i allowed the wind to smack my face as i heavily breathed while chasing after you. the neighborhood looked at me as a loser in the game of tag. if only they knew that i have been dying to be “it” for once. my hair felt weightless every step i took. my retro jordans were muddy as my socked feet were greeted to damp soil resting beneath my toenails. i was determined to never give up. i wanted to win. i needed to win. you were going as fast as lightning. at this point you are nearing the meadows. i knew if you achieved to step feet among the tall grasses with dried flowers & barley i would probably never see you again. you see once they reach a certain distance in the game of chase they will continue on & never look back. & at this point the chaser is out of breath and comes to terms to give up. i watch you near the meadows. i am screaming. you are not listening to me. you are making me angry. have you forgotten all the times we spent together. did it not mean anything to you. well i guess this is it. as i watch you prance closer i suddenly stop running. air races into my lungs & nirvana welcomes itself to me. i just stopped. i did not want to but it was as if there was a barrier stopping me. an invisible force that restricted me from continuing on. here i am. stuck. calm. i am okay. i watch you run away. you look beautiful. i have never seen such a view as the sun hits my brown eyes to appreciate the last observance of you in my life. you slowly dance into the sunset. you are on fire. have i told you that gold looks stunning on you. perhaps you should wear it more often.

you are trying to seek the good
in people who have no intentions
of respecting the soul of yours
for they are works of the devil
curse them above for almighty god

should i take him by the hand
to the last place we can be
or should i let go of his hands
& kiss him goodbye for good

if we already know how the story ends
then why do we continue to read the pages

why put yourself in the same situation
if we already know how it turns out

i have spent too much of my seventeenth
loving the man who did not care the least
wasting precious time of my breath on he
when i could have mastered & explored
the truth be told i was not in love with him
just the simple idea of what could have been
if he was the perfect match for my existence
but at the end of the day he was not sadly
& after i opened my eyes some more
i realized he will never be the man i dreamt
because perfect does not exist in his dictionary
it was not anything he could have changed
or said to make me want to stay any longer
but it was my own choice after pain & tears
that i deserve a love that is innocently pure
the kind that i have trying for so long in life
& i will wait until the end of time if means
to be granted that one true love with a man
who will forever treat me like his only queen

my pillow lays me to peace
to remind me of everything
i never had to be a possession

soft fantasies leave me at dawn
for it is time to return to reality

the sun rises to kiss my face
to grasp the sense of my fears

because what could should & would
are stored away within my pillow
constant daydream of false words

let the blood of the strawberries
stain my lips as we both kiss
stinging my plush tinted skin
to have you marked on my body
with nothing to swipe away

for i am terrified
that i will not
be able to experience
a contacting rendezvous
between the sweet souls
we once glorified the world with

for i am fearful
that i will not
be able to hear
your deceiving voice
once again in my lifetime

for i hold a deep fear
that you have moved on

he told me he can mend my pain
just like how the others told the same
he asked me to point to where it hurts most
i took his hand & placed it on my heart

for this lenten season
i will be giving up
loving others before myself
because i have given too much of me
to people who do not deserve it

let the one you goes to sleep with you
be the person
who wakes up loyal to you each day

it is painful for me to look at you
when i see still an everlasting
in your drowning brown eyes

i think what i miss the most
about your existence
is the idea that i have created
religiously believing a dream
that you were the perfect one
for my gracious life
when in fact
you were the worse pairing
for my soul to ever encounter

please do not
profess the love
you claim
that has returned
to the heart of yours
for my sweet self
when i have finally
learned how to walk
independently once again

what i want
is nothing like
what i deserve
& i am trying hard
to understand
that my worth is more
than settling for less

you are the only person
i wish to have on my mind
like a broken record machine
because the melody of your name
is the perfect cure for my broken heart

& each day as i wake alone to a bed that is cold
i think of the memories of what used to be
because they are stuck on repeat
with your beautiful name
as the theme song

there are numerous love letters
sealed with gloss kisses of mine
waiting for you to cry desperately
in the late night full of silence
where i am no longer present
because the tables have turned
and i am no longer desperately
a fool that is in love with you

spring break of two thousand fifteen my family & i traveled to florida. i was limited to my activities because of how fragile i was. keep in mind i just admitted to my family about my eating disorder so we were still adjusting to everything. my sister went to an amusement park without me which was probably the first time being truly separated on vacation. i was upset but i understand that if i went i would not have enjoyed the time there much. she came back late with a big disney bag in her hand swinging it in front of my eyes. inside the bag was disney's despicable me minion themed accessories. a shirt. socks. slippers. & a stuffed animal. it was like the sun exploded in front of my eyes as the goods were decorated with yellow creatures of big eyes with goggles & blue overalls. truth be told i was not so excited to receive this gift because i never saw the movie & who wanted endless yellow gifts? that night of receiving the gifts i decided to trade in my traveling stuffed animal for the yellow plush minion. i wrapped the yellow creature close to my body as i wore the yellow socks my sister also gifted me. the next morning i felt different. i felt a little more me. the old me that has been dead for a long time. i wanted to try to eat something for once. i think i was kind of hungry that morning. the minions rescued me. i was saved from death because of them. because my sister got me them. to comfort me during a dark time. to this day my favorite movie is despicable me. i am a collector of anything having to do with the movie. my room is now colored yellow with about thirty minions scattered all over the place. i have been saved.

you tell me not to rush
time is slowly for perfection
but time is ticking too fast
& i have no other choice
but to fall in love with you

i was willing to teach
but
you did not want to learn
                  
                           - how to love

i loved you too much
more than the earth
had to simply offer

he might have been the one
the perfect bonding given
to accommodate my life

but i willingly let him go
for another beautiful lifestyle
that i believe is better than any

nothing will change my mind
yet he is the best one for me
foolishly i let the right one go

we used to be best friends until we fell in love with each other.

i am begging for sunshine
in places it cannot glow

you tell me not to rush
time is slowly for perfection
but time is ticking fast
and i have no other choice
but to fall in love with you

you never finished the story

what happens when the prince & princess
carry on with their love they greatly found

is it an everlasting love that they gossip of
or it is a false rumor to give us high hopes

because lately my fairytales
have been brutal nightmares

love is not measured
by the amount of ****** encounters endured
but instead
the amount of fidelity put forth among two

i need more of myself
to fall deeply in love
with everything about me

i have a red little shoebox
full of endless love letters
for the boys who have
captured & broken my heart
but there is just one envolope
stashed in the box of romance
for a man who awaits my love
with appreciation & devotion
because he will be my soulmate

she was like the sun
painfully gorgeous

in this exact moment
you are placed perfectly
where you are supposed to be

everything you did
everything you said
everything you thought
was exactly perfect
because you are here now
as they planned for you to be

i am always dedicated to revising my poetry
but i never take time to focus on me
my actual life
perhaps it is time to revise the toxicity
crumble up the paper you have been writing
endless ink colors on
& begin a new story on a fresh piece
i am beginning to understand that
it is never too late to start over in life

i keep stressing over things
that only time has control of

come on time do your thing
because you have been
surely letting me down lately

you cannot have me one day
then put me away to dust
then decide to pull me out
continuously times for play
i am not a toy
& i will not be treated like one either

                                          - self respect

he promised me a future. of him and i “one day.” yet explain to me the estimate, of exactly the meaning of “one day.” shall we cross paths simply in the next twenty four hours of breath? or shall we wait a week’s worth to a month? or simply is “one day” an excuse for never, to make my heart throbbing pain ease slowly away? if “one day” does not exist in our lifetime, please explain why.

& the next time one decides to leave
i will securely fasten my shoelaces
& follow
not desperately in the same direction
begging in tears on my weak knees
but towards a new path of beginnings
sweetly existing in content without you

i thought about the times
we once spent endlessly
married hand & hand
but the calendar only
marked our forever
as just a few hours

i thought about the times
we once spent endlessly
separated heart & heart
& the calendar only
marked our isolation
as countless hours

i thought about the times
we once spent endlessly
thoughts mind & mind
as the calendar only
marked our shyness
as just a forever

i knew God existed,
when he woke me up every morning
and let me feel everything,
just so i could keep loving you.

i see the truth & ignore it every time
making up excuses for avoidance
so i can just feel alright & fantasize more

what would you do if you had one last chance?

& if there is only one thing i want. it is to hear his voice on repeat in my mind. not telling me that he does not love me. but having him tell me that he does. like he used to everyday in the past. but if there is only one thing we both want. that is for me to forget him. & i wish that for me. but for my future self. & i have not come into an encountering with her. she is too hung up on the future that could have been with him. & i think that is what hurts the most. not everything that we lost. but what could have been greatly together. we benefited each other. & it happened too quick. him being taken away from me. i was not expecting it. i feel like it has not happened. i lay awake each night in hopes he will ring my phone to put me to sleep like he did every night by telling me stories. to eliminate the chances of me having nightmares because he knew how much they haunted me. & i try to find a piece of him in others. sadly i have failed to find that in the man who is currently loving me more than his own life. i have taken for granted someone who sees me as the sun. his own sun in his life. yet i am still in love with someone who views me as a sunrise. a beautiful viewing only paid attention to when wished. & when it is appreciated it is beautiful. but long forgotten as time goes by. & at this point all i can do is laugh because of the failure i have continuously put in my life. waiting for someone to realize my worth & come back. after times of being told no by not only him. but everyone. & yet i am the only one holding onto the breaking rope. because i foolishly believe that he was the best of my life & i have already lost the one thing that made me a little more of me.

i am nothing
but stardust

gracefully falling
galaxy’s mistake

stardust
nonexistent

i purposely put myself down
only to be told by others
how strong my worth is
because i like hearing it from them
when i cannot tell myself
in times of loneliness

but i was living in a fantasy. there was never an us. because if you spell out loud “us,” i forgot to include the you. you. you were the only thing missing from us. i constantly longed for your presence but you were too hung over of the “us” between you and yourself.

touch me.
tap me.
feel me.
let me know your presence is existent.

hug me.
kiss me.
hold me.
let me know your availability is existent.

taste me.
crave me.
want me.
let me know your desire for me is existent.

and if i move slightly close enough
will you remember the smell of me
when you are physically in contact
with the girl you claim not to love

it was the only thing i ever wanted
she
was the only thing i ever wanted

and i was the only thing
me
the only thing she never wanted