& you know what hurts the most
that you were not the person
there for me anymore
to kiss me goodnight
comfort me during nightmares
& still be there in the morning
after going through it all
& eventually it got lonely
without your presence in my life
i kept waiting for you to come
& part of me knew you were not
but a small part of me still held on
because that is what i do
i keep a small fracture of hope
hope for you & i
if you were not going to
i was
& you still never came around
so i had to become that person
to kiss myself goodnight
comfort myself during nightmares
because it was still i
who was there in the morning
after going through it all
but this time
it was without you
& if you ever decide to return
i will be strong enough
to leave beautifully like you did
because i am now able to play both roles
since you decided to turn your script in

you are forgetting

your body is a scared temple

you must invite only those
who have proven
they are worthy to love
everything of you
especially your scars

i am trying hard to find you
swimming in the middle of the ocean
as currents push against me
it is not easy to swim
when i am given options
to simply drown

your love makes me want to
tear off my clothes
& love myself entirely

i still am here
after you have
shown me that
there is nothing
worth staying for

she was like the sun
painfully gorgeous

i am waiting for someone
who has already boarded
& left me for one of better
but i still wait in the dark
because i am a young fool

poetry
why are you haunting me
i am trying to live in peace
but the words bursting in my mind
are too strong to ignore
i must write down each one
until the sun has risen again

you talk so proudly about her
i wonder what makes her not me
tell me everything you love
so i imitate her every aspect

i want to dance until my feet are worn
my body dragging me to my destination

i want to step one by one with you
holding me in your arms in the moonlight

i want our routine to create thunder
with each turn & leap we strut dramatically

i wish to reunite & perform once again together
my solo lacks passion without your presence

take my hand & guide me gently
with the rhythm of the melodies

you will never understand
the power of what i write
because you are not a poet

you will never be able to feel
the strong emotions of words
because you are not a poet

you will never see life as i do
because simply
you are not a poet

i am begging for sunshine
in places it cannot glow

but i was living in a fantasy. there was never an us. because if you spell out loud “us,” i forgot to include the you. you. you were the only thing missing from us. i constantly longed for your presence but you were too hung over of the “us” between you and yourself.

i was willing to teach
but
you did not want to learn
                  
                           - how to love

tell me how is it easy
for you put yourself to rest
each & every cold night
knowing that i am home
crying tears of you in the dark
cradling myself as a baby
in my bed of depressed moisture
as you once did comfortingly
when you were committedly mine

spring break of two thousand fifteen my family & i traveled to florida. i was limited to my activities because of how fragile i was. keep in mind i just admitted to my family about my eating disorder so we were still adjusting to everything. my sister went to an amusement park without me which was probably the first time being truly separated on vacation. i was upset but i understand that if i went i would not have enjoyed the time there much. she came back late with a big disney bag in her hand swinging it in front of my eyes. inside the bag was disney's despicable me minion themed accessories. a shirt. socks. slippers. & a stuffed animal. it was like the sun exploded in front of my eyes as the goods were decorated with yellow creatures of big eyes with goggles & blue overalls. truth be told i was not so excited to receive this gift because i never saw the movie & who wanted endless yellow gifts? that night of receiving the gifts i decided to trade in my traveling stuffed animal for the yellow plush minion. i wrapped the yellow creature close to my body as i wore the yellow socks my sister also gifted me. the next morning i felt different. i felt a little more me. the old me that has been dead for a long time. i wanted to try to eat something for once. i think i was kind of hungry that morning. the minions rescued me. i was saved from death because of them. because my sister got me them. to comfort me during a dark time. to this day my favorite movie is despicable me. i am a collector of anything having to do with the movie. my room is now colored yellow with about thirty minions scattered all over the place. i have been saved.

oh my heart
how much it hurts
for i long for a love
that is everlasting
but i have not received
what i have been seeking

oh my heart
how it beats so fast
for the recognition of
an endless relation

oh my heart
how it is in two
waiting for the one
to repair the breaks
with forever glue

your ears were shut
when i sung to the world
poetic words that made
everyone fall in love

i know i am not the only one
who has been bitten by english bug
can anyone out there prescribe me
with medication to get me through
the late nights
because i am tired of trying to sleep
when my mind is dancing with
endless stanzas & rhymes

i was gold
but allowed myself
to be treated as silver

whatever you want that person to be
that is not currently the way they are
in the life of yours
will never be the way you want them
unless you be the way you want to be
make yourself the ideal way you want
then everything else will fall in place

you told me that i was your dream girl
i guess you were right
because you never pursued me
to be your reality

i do not classify myself
as a famous teenager
when the only attention
i am trying to seek
is the one from you
as the world applauses
my every move

i purposely put myself down
only to be told by others
how strong my worth is
because i like hearing it from them
when i cannot tell myself
in times of loneliness

if i do not ever know my worth
then who will ever either

i need to stop putting myself
in the category of nothing
when clearly i am worth
more than something

it is not easy to let go
& allow myself to be the chase
when i have been accustomed
to being "it" all my life

you cannot have me one day
then put me away to dust
then decide to pull me out
continuously times for play
i am not a toy
& i will not be treated like one either

                                          - self respect

in this exact moment
you are placed perfectly
where you are supposed to be

everything you did
everything you said
everything you thought
was exactly perfect
because you are here now
as they planned for you to be

you are waiting for things
that have already been
designated to a new owner

he told me he can mend my pain
just like how the others told the same
he asked me to point to where it hurts most
i took his hand & placed it on my heart

i was never once alone
because your absence
spoke so loudly to me

i think we spend most of our lives
continuously wishing for things
that we all know will not come true

we spend our entire lives searching
for that one thing we cannot live without
only to realize we cannot achieve it
& eventually we struck gold
but with something more times as great

if only we were not so stubborn
& knew what was in stored for us
much earlier before we adventured
for that one thing we thought
we could not live without

i see the truth & ignore it every time
making up excuses for avoidance
so i can just feel alright & fantasize more

poetry is the worst addiction
after a while you notice
you are immune to it
& your writings
portray no emotions to yourself
but the world is still moved

i wanted to show you the world
but i realized
it was standing right in front of me

how is it so easy to not think of a girl like me. i thought i was unforgettable but you proved me wrong. did you not like the smell of my perfume. was my hair parted the wrong way. did i not smile brightly enough for you. or my works of poetry that reveal high selling books of mature language. tell me what i am doing wrong so i can become more like your type. because i want to be memorable. always on your mind.

stop putting off that thing
you told me you were
going to do
before this & that
became more of a priority

perhaps you should return
to that thing you told me
that you were going to do
&
ignore your so important
this & that

because i guarantee you
this & that are not as successful
as that thing you told me
that you were going to do

yes that thing
that you spoke
so excitedly about

                               - lazy to succeed

it was late winter when you decided to run away. at first i chased right after you. allowing my mild case of asthma to almost damaged my lungs. i tried my best to keep up but you were just too fast for me to catch up. i allowed the wind to smack my face as i heavily breathed while chasing after you. the neighborhood looked at me as a loser in the game of tag. if only they knew that i have been dying to be “it” for once. my hair felt weightless every step i took. my retro jordans were muddy as my socked feet were greeted to damp soil resting beneath my toenails. i was determined to never give up. i wanted to win. i needed to win. you were going as fast as lightning. at this point you are nearing the meadows. i knew if you achieved to step feet among the tall grasses with dried flowers & barley i would probably never see you again. you see once they reach a certain distance in the game of chase they will continue on & never look back. & at this point the chaser is out of breath and comes to terms to give up. i watch you near the meadows. i am screaming. you are not listening to me. you are making me angry. have you forgotten all the times we spent together. did it not mean anything to you. well i guess this is it. as i watch you prance closer i suddenly stop running. air races into my lungs & nirvana welcomes itself to me. i just stopped. i did not want to but it was as if there was a barrier stopping me. an invisible force that restricted me from continuing on. here i am. stuck. calm. i am okay. i watch you run away. you look beautiful. i have never seen such a view as the sun hits my brown eyes to appreciate the last observance of you in my life. you slowly dance into the sunset. you are on fire. have i told you that gold looks stunning on you. perhaps you should wear it more often.

you always leave
without me telling you to go

you never are here
when i beg

but you return
when i do not ask

why are you like this to me

it is painful for me to look at you
when i see still an everlasting
in your drowning brown eyes

one day i will get
that call from you
& i will not answer
not because
i did not want to
but because
i was too busy
to notice you called

& that is when you
will realize
it has been too late

he was my preview
of what heaven is
on earth

i keep stressing over things
that only time has control of

come on time do your thing
because you have been
surely letting me down lately

i hope you do not think
that i am writing this
in the occurrence of you
resting beautifully on my mind

truth be told
i am no longer writing
with your name being
the dictionary reason
to my scripted words

i truly am i not
thinking about you
i promise i have
forgotten about you

here it goes again
me with the lying

i lied because truth be told
this has everything
to do with you
dictionary defines it too

why do i always allow myself
to experience heartbreak
knowing that i enter the same situations
that will give me the exact outcomes
i have encountered many times in the past
for i keep disrespecting myself
in hopes that people who have never cared
will one day care for a girl like me

i want to say that i am in love
but i know that love does not hurt

a feeling like this is not true
if you have little care about my place

they say love should be easy
but why do you make it so hard

silly am i to be
to think you did love me
because if you truly did
i would not be standing
in a puddle of my tears

i watch the days slowly pass
with our love hanging on the line
for you have not cared to change
the unconfirmed status of you & i

i wonder if it is time to call quits
& bow for my perfect solo performed
because i have presented a love
greater than you will ever live to know

i am nothing but a fool
who is crazy over you

my phone rests quietly
by my side as i wait
checking for a notification
that i have missed a call
or am receiving a loud ring
from the boy that is on my mind
man i cannot forget your face

i wait each day & night
it has been quite a while
since you have called my name

i wonder if you have forgotten
or misplaced my information
because to this day i am still
waiting for just one ring

i can spend the entire day
creating lasting memories
just to have them see me
smile greatly upon them
only to be heartbroken
when they decide that
i am easily forgettable
after giving them everything
from my heart to my soul

you were the perfect being
created for my special kind
i am convinced we are meant
but there is only one thing
stopping us from being together
which is sadly time

for i will see you again in life
after i have grown from my youth
to greet you with a loving smile
as i stand next to my husband
watching you two shake hands
with your wife on the side observing
as she rests her hand on her stomach

& that is when we look at each other
& accept that we were both
the ones that got away
because we were only teenagers