i am trying to find
the advantage
in the disadvantage

how is it possible

to easily forget my name

if there is more to this life
without you in it

i wish to go blind
because i rather wait
for another lifetime

to see the world
with you by my side

i am starting to come to terms
that i cannot have everything in life

i just wish i knew earlier
that included you

i wish there was something more
i could do
to be more perfect like her

i wish there was something more
i could do
to have you love me like her

i wish there was something more
i could do
to have never seen you & her

i wish there was something more
i could do
to have never given you to her

i wish there was something more
i could do
to be her

it is starting to feel painful
being the only one
to still have love
for you & i

i was scared of the commitment
you were begging for me to give
because i could never commit to myself

but if i don't love you
then who will?

your lips made love to mine
every dawn and eve with passion
as your hands and eyes secured my body
to make sure i knew where home was

you gave water to my roses
when the world convinced me
that there was a drought

i was so terrified of losing you for the longest time
that i became angry with myself
for not finding the perfect solution
to reinvent myself
to make you stay in my garden

i wondered what i could do to make things better
for you to only praise the ground i walked on

day and night i fought battles alone
to become your dream

but then i realized you were sleeping
and never wished to wander
among the roses in my garden

and that made me realize
that you were never the gardener
that i deserved nor should have ever wished to have

for i am the owner of my garden
and i have the power to decide
who should smell the petals on my roses

for the longest time i was comparing myself
to anything imaginable in life
i was convinced that everything in this world
was better than me

i would chase shadows down the grocery aisles
thinking that you would be in the floral section
picking out the bouquet you promised to deliver
to my house's porch steps in the pouring rain

i was convinced that if i was a perfect ten
we would be a match made in heaven
and no one else would be worthy of your love

then it took time to realize
that mindset would get me nowhere

you are not obligated
to be attached
to the root
of any flower
in your garden

i cannot keep bargaining with time
if it was meant to be
it would have been

you are the only person
you should be giving
limitless chances to

i didn’t think
that there was anything i could do
to make myself better
once i found out about her

i had to **** myself
in order
to be resurrected

for the old me
was not enough
to survive in this world
      
                     - my revival

i am trying to master the art
of not giving a ****
the same way the world praises you
for succeeding in perfectly

i only wanted you obsessed with me

to mend the pain
of the absence

of me never loving myself enough

was your pinky not tightly holding mine
when you promised to have devotion
to only me
as your lips preached the words
of forgotten love
on your strawberry stained lips

i am starting to realize

you cannot give emotions to a reaction
when thee gave birth the action

what disappoints me the most

is that i was really wishing

you were rooting for me

in the end of all of this

my heart breaks in shatters

as you knew it was
always me
but you
always been
for her

what if you were the one

for me

and i let you go
but then again
if you were the one
this situation
wouldn’t be
the one

to think if you were the one

for me

i think i am falling in love
with someone who has forgotten my soul

because i have neglected their existence
as i praised another

and my words of lipgloss stained lies
will not bring them back this time

what hurts the most

is that

i always knew

you’d be the one to hurt me

first

i wish i knew that
the day we met
we would not last a lifetime
so i could cherish the present
instead of reminiscing now
everything that could have been
through the ghost of you

caught in the middle of deciding

to wait for you
or
to wait for me

the old me before you

and as i watch the smiles
shine bright across my sight
i still remember yours
as you brightened my life
and now i must do the same
alone

they come around
always they come back
yet not
at my right time
gosh i hate timing

there was so much i wanted to say
but
he was not the one
i wanted to tell it all to

what hurts the most
is that
i can never get back
what you have taken
from me

you

i gave a million *****
yet
you could not give one

the sore pain my heart is suffering from
will never heal
as you broke a piece of mine
to bandage yours
to be a better you for your return to her

if you loved me

then

why was there a her?

was your heart not devoted to mine
when my melodies sung for yours
as the sun rose on my side to wake
the soul of yours you have left behind
in the life you continue to forget
that we have created together
as the sunsets on your end to her

what hurts the most
is that i loved you
when i was meant
to love him instead

and as i lay myself to sleep
my dreams remind me
you are only here
to hurt me

what they did not know
was that i was not the villain
wickedly casting spells of hatred
on thee who spoke hell
upon the name of i

what they did not know
was my origin story
that caused me to go wicked

what they did not know
was that it was thee
who stabbed the knife
poured blood of revenge
from my pure golden skin
to spark the evil within

i realized that
i am not in love with you

i am in love
with the person
you promised to be
in my very own life

i prefer gold over diamonds
because at the end of the day
even the prettiest
can be artificial

your heart did not
match your actions
and that is when
i decided to
say goodbye

my heart is giving up
and my body is tired
for giving the world
to those who
do not view me
as their world

you are showing me
every possible reason
not to love you
yet i still ignore the warning signs

i am starting to get disappointed in myself
for allowing acceptance of the ****
that i should not be putting up with in my life

forgive me but i am hopeful

i am falling in love
with just the idea of you
living inside of my mind
beautifully as imagery

having so much on my mind
dying to tell you my secrets
but
it would be the death of us
forgive me for i cannot say

it is funny how
i see myself inside of you

it is funny
because i am saddened with the girl i have become

i think it hurts to be me
searching for the girl
who used to be
before used was she

teenage years haunt a falsehood of reality
but i think it hurts me most
becoming someone i shall disappoint

it cannot be the color yellow
if shades of dark fade faintly
in the background of falsehood