Christina walked home
from school
in a strop
she'd not seen

Benedict all day
not on the sports field
(too wet
the prefect said)

nor in the corridors
despite searching
wide eyed
high and low

and in double maths
she'd doodled his name
in the inside cover
of her exercise book

to feel close to him
at least in mind
he was there
his sister said

he was some place
or other
she'd said
in a classroom

or gym
(oh to be there
Christina mused
to be close to him)

and once home
she strode
through the house
(ignoring

her mother's complaints
of this being left undone
or unwashed linen
left on the floor

of her room)
and up the stairs
and into her room
shutting the door

on her mother's tirade
(in one of her
blue moods no doubt)
and putting a chair

against the door
to keep her mother out
she lay on her bed
and took out

the photo of him
from beneath her pillow
and lay it
on her breast

and let him rest
all day and not
one sight
not a glimpse

not a passing shadow
just the teachers
and their talk
and other girls

and their chat
and giggles of boys
or such
oh it was all too much

she mused
rubbing the photo
against her breast
(nearer to her heart

symbolically)
closing her eyes
imagining him there
kissing her lips

******* her hair
talking like he did
of this or that
of some book he liked

or some place
he'd been or liked
to go
but in her mind

at least
he was there
having placed
his clothes

on the chair
being quite bare
(as was she of course
in her mind's eye)

just he and she
laying alone
he saying yea
and she making moan

but disturbed
by her mother's knock
at the door
(the imagining dispersed

he but vapour
in her mind)
and her mother's voice
much calmer

just asking
about some tea and toast
(all sins forgiven)
yes OK

Christina said
tucking his photo
beneath the pillow
and rising

from the bed
carrying his image
and her dreaming
inside her head.

it was so easy to
sit next to him and
grab a donut. too
easy to say hello and
to pat him on the shoulder.
and yet, i wanted to stay there,
because he makes me feel so
comfortable.

then i left and walked towards your
door. i put a smile on my face and waited patiently
and then bam you came through the front doors and
hit me so hard with that smile of yours. i didn't realize how
much ive missed you. ive missed the way you talk and walk
and smile and just everything you are.... I missed you.

but, when you stopped to talk to some other guy i then
decided that i wasn't worth talking to because all i do is
flirt with you and that isn't okay, you're engaged and you don't
want me, no matter how much it seems like you do...

it wasn't you that made me feel non-worthy, it was that single factor
in the equation of us that kept me slowly backing away from your door,
into the hallway, and then out the door to my next class.

i wanted to talk about how i have a math test next period,
how i am taking two college courses and that one of them is
starting tomorrow! how even though my panic attacks are getting
worse, i havent cut in awhile. how my dad bailed on me once again,
and yet im kind of... okay. how i miss you and what i see in you isn't
just kid love. its real love....

it was so easy to talk to you too, but realizing how much i
needed you in my life compeltely ruined my confidence
and once again, i am back to ignoring you..

oh how i wish i could turn it off.

Are you in there?
Miryam said
through the canvas
of the tent

no
you replied
I'm out
you are there

she said
and unzipped the zip
and poked her head
in the gap

you were lying there
in your sleeping bag
gazing at her red
fuzzing hair

and large eyes
where's your friend?
she asked
gone for a shower

you said
she unzipped all down
and came in the tent
walking on her knees

like Toulouse Lautrec
in a wig
and lay down beside you  
how long before he's back?

no idea
you said
have we time for ***?
risky

you said
sometimes risky
is enjoyable
she said softly

running her hand
down the outline
of your leg
not when an ex-army guy

comes in
and see his sleeping partner
******* some red head
in his tent

you said
she pouted her lips
spoilsport
she said

in your ear
yes I guess so
you said
what we doing today?

she asked
we're moving
onto Malaga apparently
the coach leaves at 9.30

she looked
at her wrist watch
gives us an hour
she said

in a whispering voice
gives me an hour
to get showered
and dressed

and breakfasted
and such
you said
she lay back beside you

on the sleeping bag
isn't Malaga
where Picasso was born?
yes that's right

you said
do you like his work?
she asked
sure

it makes me
want to see it again
and again
it does?

she said
as if I had said
I like to wear
ladies's underwear

don't you find his work
kind of odd?
she said
that's what I like about it

it breaks out
of that prison
which people have put
around art

as if only
such and such
can be art
she put her lips

on your cheek
wet and warm
don't I tempt you at all?
not one little bit?

she walked her fingers
down your leg
and moved them
towards your groin

not about 6ins worth?
she said sexually
how did we get
from Picasso

to you finger walking
on my *****?
all is art you said
she whispered

you've left the zip unzipped
the ex-army guy said
poking his head
in the gap

what's she doing in here?
he said
just popped in
to see how he is

Miryam said
looking at the guy
with his short
back and sides haircut

and smelling
of shampoo and soap
well now you've seen
you can go

he said
can't he and I
have *** first​​?
she said

in her imitation
Monroe voice
no you can't
he said

go elsewhere
if you must do
such things
and he sat back

on his haunches
and stared at her
his arms folded
Ok

she said
and kissed your cheek
and walked on her knees
out of the tent

and stood up
and looked in
before the ex-army guy
could zip back up

shame
she said
we could have had
a *******

go away
he said
before I slap your backside
promises promises

Miryam said
and walked off
towards her tent
across the camp base field

girls huh?
you said
but he didn't reply
he just began packing

his stuff into his suitcase
ready for the next move
and so you closed your eyes
and imagined her

there beside you again
listening
to the patter patter
of the Spanish rain.

Her dark silhouette moved beyond the grilled window
Was she a living woman, an apparition, or a shadow?

In the evening sitting there her head bowed low
I loved to think of her a ghost on the window.

That house from ours was within a stone’s throw
At that time looked remote now only I know.

Her hands they always moved what she was up to
Was she knitting corpses’ shroud I had little clue.

Don’t look at her, mom would say, stay away from her
Her words ran me down the window didn’t seem far.

Quickly I shut my eyes there was no way I could dare
To ignore mom’s caution and had her in my stare.

I went back to my homework not that I much willed
But lessons had to be learnt pages had to be filled.

I heard ghosts could pass through wall anyplace they could be
What if she had stopped her work and come looking for me?

I sat frozen in benumbed fear my courage they all fled
For courage would be of no use when dealing with the dead.

I wasn’t safe alone cried out 'mom' to find her I frightfully ran
*Passed by the house the grilled window but there wasn’t a woman.

Crazily he loved the cadaverous moon,
the goddess sans merci of his dark noon.
Heady wine of love she offered him was pain,
in all *seven stages of love, his heart bled,
turned white.
                He was laid to rest in silence, in her  heart,
               when wailing violins all, fell dead in grief.

You weren't ready to love me.
Lord knows I tried.
To make you feel,
To blow your mind,
To show you the moves to make.
You can't teach love with faltering steps,
Your wavering gaze moved me to tears.
You cut out my heart, piece by piece
and fed it to the wolves running wild.
You can't love before you feel,
You were too scared to let me hold you.
You didn't want my kind of love.

Two innocent eyes look up at me
Blue pleading watery eyes
I catch that moment on my cellphone
Before long they would be gone!

Come back cute fluff
I croon in each dark corner
Come back milk bright fur
Come back silk smooth caress
You can’t have gone too far!

Crescent moon hides you in shadow
Covers you the pale ashen star
Come back not wrench my heart
You can’t have gone too far!

Why the ones I love don’t stay long
Like you I carry on my cellphone
A few tunes and part composed song
Hushed into dusty yellow tone!

Why I can’t hold them back
The ones I love disappear at dawn
Go hide in the moon’s shadow
Leaving me bruised forlorn!