Eyes closed
Inhale deeply
Filled with the scent of you
Exhale slowly
Unwilling to loose
The scent of you

I am bare
Just skin against skin
Raw and beautiful
So soft and smooth
And easily scared
Be careful with this skin
It's wrapped around my thoughts
Like a turtle's shell
My heart is hidden beneath
Just in knifes reach
It bleeds and bleeds
Blood thick and bright

My skin is soft
Yet also scared
From careless love
Of a time past
The scars are faded
Faded scars can take a lifetime
A lifetime of pain
Of healing
To finally fade away into the background
Barely noticed
So be careful with this skin

Skin I'll let you caress
Caress it slowly
Gently
Lovingly
My skin knows all too well
A fast hand
The sting of a blade
And the wet sticky feel
Of blood
It's time this skin knows a caress
The warmth of a hug
The tenderness of love

February second
The day beckons
Cries out
A joyful cheer
Older by the year
Marvelously so
Your day to glow
Wishing you the best
That you'll be blessed
With zest
And without stress
Nor worry
Soak up the day
Be spoiled
And let us say
Happy birthday
I love you so

Release the stress
Let go
Let yourself breath
Just be
Flow with Mother Nature
Melt into the songbirds' echo
Blend with the ancient trees
Oh so high
Mix with the tide
The push the pull
Of life
That's how it's meant to be
For you
To just be

Let go
Feel the sweet release
Of the self doubt processing your happiness
Stealing your peace of mind
And just be
Be okay with who you are
Fly to you
Accept yourself with open arms
And just be

Be one with everything
Be apart from nothing
Let yourself drift
Feel everything around you
Just be

Breath
Breath in
Breath out
That's all I can do right now
When my heart is torn
In two
No words left
Nothing to mend
This brokenness inside

Breath
Breath in
Breath out
Fake a smile
Keep from crying
All the while dying inside

Wishing
Praying
It'll all be okay
But knowing it won't

Craving
Needing
His touch
Wanting to feel the warmth
He brings in my soul

Breath
Breath in
Breath out
Only thing to do
When you have nothing
Left

The perfect fit
Between two people
The worst time
Yet
A love so true
Meant to be
But must say goodbye
Wanting to rewind
To make it all right
You're everything
I dreamed
Oh why
Must you
Be my true love
When it can't work?

Heart beats
It races
Adrenaline
Strong and sweet
Courses through me
Wind howls
Screams at me
"You wouldn't
"You couldn't
"You're not brave enough"
Laughter
Squeezes out my throat
"Watch me"
I shout as I
Fall
Wind through my hair
Bubbling laughter
See?
I did it
I float
As the parachute
Comes out
I just proved
That I am
Brave

I'm haunted
Not with ghosts
But with a disease
You would never guess
By looking at me
I seem normal
But I have a secrete
A dark
Dangerous
Secrete
That keeps me up at night
A shrink
Once a week
A doctor
Once a month
Nothing helps
At least not yet
Food
Fattening food
Scares me
Eating is hard
I hate it
Hate being
Haunted

I cry
Sob
Loud
Ugly
Sobs
As I watch
My beautiful
Bald baby boy
Slowly
Painfully
Take his last
Breath
Who said death was peaceful?
They were wrong
It's painful
Pain that will never
End
Time does not
Heal all wounds
Not when you watch
Your son
Die
All hope is lost
Cancer stole my
Beautiful blue-eyed son
From his mother
From me
Don't say it's okay
Because it's not
It never will be
So don't expect me
To move on
Like I never had
A son
A beautiful son
A bright son
I kiss his lips
Lips now blue
From death
One last time
I may have reached
My breaking point
But I'll keep fighting
Fighting for
Other kids
That still have a chance
Chance to live
Live like my son
Never did
Live a life
Without
Cancer

Abandoned
Left to fend
Not knowing a thing
Expected to survive
Adrift
In a sea of forgottenness
In a blanket of misery
Hungry
Afraid
No where to go
No one to run to
Knowing deep down
I won't survive
Dread
Roaring in my soul
Fear
Clouding my thoughts
Emotions raging
Going insane
From the uncertainness
And abandonment
Feeling reality's sharp sting
Finally realizing for the first time
He used me
****** me dry
Like a ravenous vampire
Drank every last drop
Until all that's left
Is a shell of
Myself

Praise Anna
Praise Mia
Shackle me up
Please
Please
Rob me
Rob me of
My innocence
My childhood
Fill me with lies
Make me believe
I'm unloveable
Because of my size
I kneel before you
Spoon down my throat
Trying to throw up
These crumbs
I forced down
Keep me
Keep me
As prisoner
Hand me the pills
The knife
The gun
Anything
So I can die
Young and
Beautiful
Because beauty is life
I don't want to grow old
If it means
Ugly and grey
Teach me
Teach me
Food is the enemy
And you
Are my friend
My best friend
My only friend
And you won't let me
Down
Let me cling to you
Adrift
All alone
In your sea
Of broken promises
And crushed dreams
Make me see fat
When others see bone
Let me get lost
In you
So I won't face
Reality
I'm 90 pounds
Skin and bones
Close to death
A hospital bed
Tube down my throat
Pumping fat
Into my stomach
Rehab telling me
I'm beautiful
I'm strong
Trying to wake me up
Break your chains
Free me
From your embrace
Oh dear
Anna
Mia
You do a marvelous job
Claiming lives
Ripping apart
Families
Stealing joy
Trapping people
With your silkily smile
Convincing them
To throw everything
Away
For beauty

Your fiery touch
Burning my skin
Igniting my soul
Hot breath
Against my ear
Your voice
Whispering
"You're so beautiful"
Hold me close
Keep me safe
Never let go
Passion courses through me
Temptation whispering
More
More
More
I want more of you
Your eyes
Bright in the moonlight
Full of hope
Promises
On your lips
I sigh
Softly
Giving you all of me
My heart
My soul
My life
I plunge freely
Happily
Knowing you'll be
Right here
To catch me
Time
And time again
You're perfect
Like you were made
Just for me
Love like I've never
Felt before
I know
In my heart
We will last
Forever
You are the reason
I now have
A future full of hope
I can love you
Limitlessly
Unconditionally
Forever

You want to steal
My light
You want to ******
My thoughts
You want to impregnate
My innocence
With your ******* children
You want to torture
My soul
You want me
All to yourself
Lock me up
Throw away the key
You believe
I was made
Just for you
To use
To control
To manipulate
But
I refuse
I refuse to hide
To stay silent
To bow down
You don't have power
Over me
You want to strike me down
Vanquish my hopes
My dreams
But I realized
You're the coward
You actually believe
You have to beat me
Into submission
You don't want me to leave
You all alone
But I've got news for you
I refuse
To be controlled
To be powerless
I refuse
To be beat
To be *****
To be yours
All yours
I am me
Unique
Wonderful
Beautiful
I am not
Your slave
So don't expect me to stay
To love you
You don't deserve me
I refuse
To stay
With you

Cinderella
Works all day
Crys all night
For a prince
To save her
Snow White
Asleep with the dwarfs
Dreams of a prince
To kiss her
Good morning
Reponzel
High in the tower
Grows out her hair
For the prince
All around the world
Girls wait to be saved
By a prince
Not realizing
They can save themselves
They are strong
They are beautiful
They don't need a prince
To rescue them
But
How would they know that?
Hardworking Cinderella
Couldn't stand up for herself
Trusting Snow White
Needed a prince to wake up
Patient reponzel
Couldn't escape
Without a man
Girls are taught
They need a man
They can't survive
They are useless
Worthless
Without a man
It's no wonder
Girls reduce themselves to nothing
For an undeserving man
All because
We are conditioned
All around us
All we hear
Too fat, too thin
Too short, too tall
Too many wrinkles
Too many freckles
Too many pimples
Not perfect enough
You are only perfect
If you have a man
They objectify us
And we let them
But worse
We objectify ourselves

Smoke rising
Fire blazing
A beautiful sight
No one can look away
Eyes watering
From the heat
Me and you
Trapped inside
But we don't want to leave
Just hold each other
Tight
We kiss
One last time
Before the flames take us
Just me and you
In this burning house
We'll die together
Like we dreamed
Our ashes mixed
A part of me
With you
And a part of you
With me
Forever
This burning house
Will keep us together
In death
Like we were
In life
We stayed together
In our own
Burning house
We chose
Together
It's only fit
For us
To go up in flames
In this burning house

These shadows
All around me
Are now my life
My depressing life
My life
Is one big shadow
Covering me up
Surrounding me
Suffocating me
Killing me
I will die here
And I'm okay
With that now
I have learned
To accept it
But what I don't accept
Is that this shadow
Is killing my family
My loved ones
My friends
My God
This shadow
Seems to be
Everywhere
Nothing I can do
No where to run
It shouldn't matter
That I am a
Jew

Sticky sweet smell
Sweat
Manuror
Hay
So soothing sound
Flies buzzing
Hooves thumping
The tickling touch
Little hairs on skin
Sloppy wet tongue
Gross!
Gently giggling
At the sweet silliness
Of the moment
Beautiful horses
Waiting wonderingly
At what today brings
Apples?
Carrots?
Oats?
But what they will never know
Is that they are
My only safe haven
Left

Stress eats at me
Old monsters
Roar to life
Bad habits broken
Reawakens
Eyes wet with
Tears unshed
Hands shake
Bad thoughts resurface
Triggers cut deep
Be calm
Be quiet
Be a good girl
Don't make a sound
Stress tearing me up inside
Trying to make me insane
I know I can cope
The monsters
Stay dead
Bad habits remain broken
Bad thoughts trampled
Triggers still cut
But I won't scar
I may struggle
But I won't drown
Life is hard
I can do hard things
I am
An overcomer

one day
i'll fly away
leave this place
far away
one day
i'll ignite this world
burning your soul
one day
i'll be brave
enough to walk away
from you

She comes home
Tear filled eyes
Red rimed eyes
Pleading
Pleading for a simple explanation
“He pulled my hair on the playground”
Reaching down
Hugging her
Tight
“my baby
My beautiful beautiful
Baby,
He just wants your attention
He likes you.”
As if raising a hand to a women
Calling her *****
Means I love you
I respect you.

I shouldn’t have been surprised
When at 16
She comes home
Shaking
Shaking and wondering
“Why does it hurt?”
These bruises are love
My bleeding lip
Is proof
Of his love
Bruises she hides
Covers up
From me
I taught her
This is love
Harsh words
And fast hands

Listening to her
Cry late at night
Asking
Asking god for help
To get him to stop
Hurting her
But never once
Realizing
All she has to do is leave
But she can’t
Because I taught her
This is love
She thinks she will never be good enough
For someone else
She believes when he says
“I love you
I want you
Forever”
Yet when she turns around
She feels the sting
Of a slap
Hears him say
“*****
You are lucky
no one else will want you.”

Years of therapy  
And a lifetime of learning
Learning to love herself
Learning that bruises
He gave her
Was not what love looks like
Learning to say no
Learning it is okay to walk away
To leave him
Like the piece of trash
He is
It takes a lifetime
To finally believe the truth
The truth

All because I taught her
When a boy pushes her
On the playground
Calls her names
It means that he likes her
As if like and hate were the same
As if respect meant disrespect
As if love
Love is selfish
Love is the man’s will
To bow down
Because abuse
Is love  

Regretting teaching her
Leading her astray
From words
Words I thought were innocent
Not realizing
The impact I had
On my daughter
Words are power
Lessons are engraved
In a child’s brain
Innocent phrases become weapons
Weapons that tear apart
Their life
Teaching them without realizing
We as mothers
As fathers
Need to learn that our children’s heart
And mind is not to play with
Don’t teach your daughter
Something you will
Regret when she takes it
To heart
Takes it as truth

beauty
unearthly beauty
stares back at me
gorgeous green eyes
perfect
but bittersweet
love so strong
hurt strong too
too strong
how can i do this?
i have to do this
not for me
for her
Love
Love hurts
tears
silent tears
of pain
of love
of torture
fall down my cheeks
as i hand
my beautiful baby girl
   to her new
mommy and daddy
she will have a better life
but it still hurts
hurts to have
a mother's love